Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 08-12-2012, 11:44 PM
DarayTala's Avatar
DarayTala DarayTala is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: York, PA
Posts: 42
Default

First of all, congratulations on having loving and fullfilling relationships with both your lover and you husband. Its great to hear that you and your lover have shared your feelings with eachother, finding out you love someone and that they love you back is one of the best feelings in the world.

Also, it sounds like you are doing a great job dealing with your negative emotions. They may sometimes still linger after you think things through rationally, and sometimes analyzing them will lead you to finding a way to making them go away. I know i've been able to target what makes me jealous and how to handle it through my years of being poly. Despite that, i still often find myself getting jealous at times and having to remind myself of the same things. Sometimes those feelings never really dissipate, but what matters is that by thinking and remaining rational, i can avoid acting negatively because of them. Also i've found that one of the best cures it to be reassured, its a lot harder to be jealous of someone else when you know you are loved and cherished for the wonderful person you are.

Oh, and in response to Greg, I feel like you were very presumptuous and rude. From what i've read and what i feel, polyamory is more then one (or the possibility of more than one) romantic relationship, with the knowledge and consent of all involved. That sounds to me like what has happened here. Just because it started off as sexual and then evolved into love, doesn't make it any less of a poly relationship now. The OP may not choose to identify as a poly person, and may not want to label her relationship as poly, but she certainly could say it fit the definition if she chose to. Also, yes, polyamory works best with open and honest communication, love, and trust. Not every poly relationship has that. The same way monogomous relationships work best with those things as well, but still, that doesn't mean everyone in a mono or poly relationship is perfect with being open and honest about everything all the time. The same way someone could say that you are not truly poly because you are being judgmental and close minded, and to be poly you need to be open minded. They would be wrong in saying that though, clearly you are able to be polyamorous while still being judgmental and rude to the OP, but it doesn't make for a good trait to have certainly. Hopefully we simply misunderstood you though, and you did not mean to come across in the way you did.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 08-16-2012, 11:48 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

Deep breaths... L is out with his other girlfriend tonight and I'm having a bad dose of the green eyed monster. I know that it's because we haven't been able to see each other in 5 weeks and I miss him terribly, but I'm hurting tonight.

Any advice for how to cope? I'm still not going to be able to see him until the beginning of September.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:12 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

What's the jealousy speaking to?

That you don't get to see him til Sept and the other person is seeing them NOW?

Would it be better if you did not know his calendar items?

I haven't really been commenting because it did start to feel like your diary where you work stuff out for yourself.

I know I could comment if something struck me but I thought your questions were in the "asking things out loud to myself" bucket.

Sorry if it seemed slow to respond.

GG
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:17 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

When I feel jealousy, I ask myself why, but with more detail. As in, "what am I afraid of losing if he loves someone else?" or "why do I think it takes away from my value to him if he enjoys another woman's company?" or "what does being upset buy me?" I try to take a step back and examine my jealousy as if I were a scientist looking at a specimen. So, I usually discover, and have to come to terms with, some insecurity or fear I have.

And then I think about the person I love, and remind myself that when I love someone I want them to be happy and feel free and unencumbered by any neediness of mine. I remind myself that I want him to express who he is fully and not keep him small just because I am feeling insecure. I don't want to load him down with my insecurities, baggage, and tears. I remind myself that I want him to be with me because he wants to be, not because he's obligated to be, and if I give him the space to be himself and enjoy life, he will come back to me. I then say to myself, "Why wouldn't I want him to have as much love go his way, as he can possibly get?"

This process of questioning, and then reminding myself of the best ways I know to love him, usually puts me in a good state of compersion. And then, sometimes, it just helps to put on some upbeat music and dance in my underwear, or go do the dishes.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:18 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

I think that's most of it. I miss him very badly. We have not seen each other in person since we said our I love yous and I am craving some physical intimacy from him. We have talked about our feelings and he tells me he misses me too. It's just unfortunate that it's impossible for us to see each other any sooner.

I am glad that he's out and having a good time. I hope she makes him happy. But I am aching because I wish it was me.

I don't think it would be better not to know, because I worry about him and I want his sexual needs to be taken care of. It's just a double edged sword, because I feel glad for him and frustrated for me. Then I get mad at myself for feeling frustrated and it kind of snowballs into a mass of negativity and I hate that.

I've been feeling better about my insecurity issues, knowing how he feels about me. I feel okay that I am in touch with my feelings at least, but I wish I could manage them better. It doesn't help that I am feeling pretty lonely tonight. H has been out of town for 2 weeks so I've been a single mom lately, and I'm pretty tired and run down.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:20 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
. . . I've been a single mom lately, and I'm pretty tired and run down.
Time for a candle lit bubblebath!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

Hrm. Maybe note this for future? Like if you know both are going to be out of town or away -- get another friend to come in to watch a movie? Or get out to be among other people?

Take you out of yourself.

GG
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 08-17-2012, 12:35 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Hrm. Maybe note this for future? Like if you know both are going to be out of town or away -- get another friend to come in to watch a movie? Or get out to be among other people?

Take you out of yourself.

GG
Unfortunately, that isn't something that can be done. I'm a SAHM, so I can't go anywhere in the evenings, and most of my friends live out of town. I am not the most social person in the world, so I don't have a lot of friends in my area. I spend a lot of time alone.

Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but at times it does. My lover lives out of town anyway, which is why he can see her but not me right now. H travels a lot for work so I usually try to line up a casual hookup with a FWB during the day when my kids are at school but I wasn't able to do that this time, either.

Guess it's been a pretty crappy couple of weeks this time. Or rather, it would have been if I hadn't had so many intense, emotionally fulfilling conversations with my lover. I was staying up far too late talking with him and it was totally worth it
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 08-22-2012, 12:43 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

It's starting to weigh on me that I've been lonely this time H was away. Sometimes, things suck. It's now been 6 weeks since I've seen my lover, and 3 since I've seen my husband. Who will be home this weekend for two days and then off again for another week and a half. In the meantime, I'm a single mom but I also got called into work this week so I am not really getting any downtime. It's getting wearing.

It's been tougher than usual too, since L is also travelling for work and he's in a time zone that makes it difficult for us to spend much time together online at least. We communicate a lot, which is probably why our relationship deepened so quickly. It's normal for us to trade texts and emails all day, and then chat for a few hours at night unless one of us has plans. Given the time change, we're only talking maybe ten minutes a day. We haven't gone one day since we met without talking, so this has been tough for me. He tells me he misses me, and I miss him terribly.

Normally I see at least one of my casual sex flings when H is out of town, but I'd dumped one of them recently and the other was unavailable, so I haven't gotten any physical release, either. That usually helps a lot when I can't see my guys.

I can't wait for the summer to be over. I want to make love with H... I want to make love with L.

Come to think of it, I wonder what is going to be different in sex with L now. He tells me he has loved me for a while now, and I think I did too only I didn't know it was; I thought it was NRE until I finally couldn't keep telling myself that anymore. We were both keeping our feelings restrained so as not to scare each other away. I wonder what things will be like the first time we see each other, especially since it will have been 8 weeks...

I miss them both so much. I want to be held, kissed, loved.

Last edited by Vicki82; 08-22-2012 at 12:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 08-26-2012, 04:58 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

I'm full of conflicting emotions. I'm really not used to this!

H came home for the weekend and things are absolutely perfect between us. I don't think we've ever been this deeply in love and appreciative of each other. We had some amazing connected sex as well that was very intense. Even though he is leaving again this afternoon, I feel good.

On the other hand, I am just feeling so low about L. We've had much less communication than usual since he was on a work trip, and he's only home for a few days before he is leaving to go on a hiking trip where he will be virtually unreachable for a week because of no cell signal. Between that and still having no firm date on the calendar when we will see each other again, I am hurting.

The little devil on my shoulder starts telling me things that I know aren't true, like that he obviously doesn't care about me or that I am just not important to him. I know I am; he makes it very clear by the things that he does and says, that I matter, and that he loves me. But when I'm feeling sad, it's really hard to brush those negative thoughts away.

I am hurting. We're heading into the 7th week without seeing each other and I had thought it would be early September but now it's looking like it will be mid to late September. I know it's only a couple more weeks but at this point it just feels crushing.

I'm wondering if I am really cut out for a LDR. I always swore I'd never do it, actually, but that's because I knew I could not handle a monogamous LDR. I need physical contact. I didn't go looking at him for a partner... this was just supposed to be sex, until we fell in love. The amount of communication we have is so intense that it really helps me feel connected with him, but it's been getting harder and harder as the weeks slip by especially since this week and next week are comparatively low communication.

I can feel myself emotionally pulling back right now, because I'm sad and hurting. It is very painful for me to have expressed my love for a man and it's been weeks and we still can't be in each other's arms. Love is not a word I use casually; I've said it to three men in my whole life, and once was when I was a teenager :P

He knows I miss him badly, but I don't really want to tell him how much I am hurting because I know there really is nothing he can do about it. It's not like he is choosing not to see me- for various reasons, he really can't. So all I would be doing is making him feel bad, too.

I am reading the LDR tags but I could use some thoughts and advice if anyone has any to share. Oh, and to whomever left the two star rating on my thread: gee, thanks. Exactly the kind of feedback I needed to hear :P

Last edited by Vicki82; 08-26-2012 at 08:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:05 PM.