Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-20-2012, 03:00 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

Thanks for that feedback, I appreciate it.

The idea behind me not talking to my lover about how I feel is more that I feel that it's MY issue, not ours. Therefore I don't think it's right to dump it on him; I'd much rather deal with my feelings on my own. I'm not really sure how though which is one reason why I am here.

It's also not that I'm not into kink, because I do enjoy some activities very much. I'm just not into D/s. And it's definitely not that I don't want him to be happy. I would feel awful knowing he wasn't getting regular sex if he had no one local. I care about him so why would I want him to be miserable?

Frankly, these feelings are about as unattractive and un-fun as they get. I get that when a relationship is more than sex, there will be some un-fun elements to it, but most of the time I think it's better to enjoy the positive in a relationship. That's a big reason why I don't want to talk about my feelings, too.

Please keep in mind that he doesn't identify as poly, either. I think for both of us that it's a very loaded, heavy term. I'm having enough trouble dealing with the idea that I might be, because I have never seen myself that way.

No, I really didn't get rid of my other partners because of him. One wasn't able to see me with the frequency I wanted, so I didn't feel like keeping in touch with him to have sex once every three months, and the other treated me like a booty call which I hate. I gave him a chance to shape up, and he didn't, so I cut him loose.

I am actively searching for a couple more local sex-only partners and my lover is aware of that, but similarly understands that he cannot see me often enough to meet my needs, either. Believe me, if he was local, I'd be banging him 2-3x a week and not wanting to see anyone else! Although I guess he we wouldn't have as much time together then. Even a once a week overnight might be tough to manage. But anyway, it's irrelevant.

Yes, I am dealing with NRE, but it makes me feel more loving towards my husband as well. It's actually been interesting. My lover makes me so happy, that I am happier and more appreciative of my husband.

Yes, it would bother the hell out of me if we had equal time. I'll be honest. I don't care that she had a relationship with him first, I still want to be first among his girlfriends. I know that isn't what poly is about, but I'm still wired that way.

It's just such an odd situation. We had started off thinking we were going to be a one night stand and we obviously have started a different path. So a lot of the stuff that you guys take for granted, just doesn't make sense to me. I didn't go looking for a relationship, I went looking for sex. And certainly found it! So the parts about determining long term compatibility etc... I don't think like that because if it meant we had to have a shallower relationship to keep having amazing sex, I'd be okay with that. I mean, I'd hurt a lot, but the sex really is that incredible that I'd deal with it. I would much rather have a loving relationship with him, but the sex part is certainly far better than nothing!

I'm just really not sure how to behave around him at times.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-22-2012, 05:59 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

Well, he's out with his sub this morning... I'm trying not to be bothered by it. I really want to deal with this stuff so I can just relax and enjoy what we have for what it is.

We had a talk the other night and I tried to explain to him that I just like to hear stuff verbally at times. I know that I should just see from his actions that he cares about me and is excited to see me, but I think it's just a lot easier to rationalize things like that away than him telling me that I excite him and he wants to see me, if that makes sense. He pointed out that this past weekend when he came to see me, he was at work from 7am to 9pm and then left to make the 3 hour drive to visit me even though I suggested he come in the morning, so I shouldn't worry that he isn't into me. And he's right, I know. I need to deal with my issues.

I think it's mostly going to be time helping. I know it'll never really be the same as my marriage where I know he'll never leave me, but I just wish it wouldn't be at the forefront of my mind so much. I guess the problem is that I am overthinking what it is, because I really want it to stay like it is- just somehow more like a committed thing than a casual thing. Does that make any sense? And I guess it would be nice if he felt about me the way I feel about him, except that I really don't know what I feel anyway.

I also want to deal with my insecurities because I have the opportunity to make three of his fantasies come true at once, and if I can figure out a way to wrap my head about it, I'd like to give it to him. He has always wanted a FMF, the opportunity to tie two women up at once, and to have two women sucking his cock. I am straight, so we both figured he was going to have to get those things from another partner. But another hotwife lives around the block from me and she and I are getting to know each other, and she's said she would be interested in helping him fulfill those fantasies if I wanted to. But that brings up a host of issues for me.

He actually doesn't expect me to play with the other woman; he says in his fantasy, he satisfies us both. And he's the kind of man I think might actually be able to keep two women satisfied at once. I'm not sure how limited my interaction with the other woman would be, and I guess I'd be willing to experiment a little, but guys do MFM all the time with no other contact so I'd imagine that's workable. My concerns, of course, are that he'd like the other woman better. She is 20 years older than I am, but she has a very slim tight body, and I'm still about 30lbs overweight. Plus, she'd be new and I'd be familiar. She lives so close... what if he decided he'd rather see her instead of me? What if she satisfies him better than I can? I don't know. I don't want my selfishness to keep me from giving him something I know he would love, but I also know if I can't deal with my concerns, it's better not to do it. I did mention to him it might be a possibility and he made it clear that if I am not 100% comfortable he doesn't want to do it.

And I guess I'm just having issues because I think that I've gotten pretty heavily emotionally involved and I don't know if he feels the same way. I would tend to doubt it. I know he cares about me as a person and will always treat me with respect, but I doubt he's worrying about whether he's in love with me :P He did make it clear to me that he doesn't want to replace me because he enjoys spending time with me so much and that we have a lot of fun together, and he likes that we can do normal things as well because we enjoy each other's company. I hate that didn't take away my anxiety.

Thoughts?
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-12-2012, 03:05 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

After some thought, I'm not sure if I really am poly after all. I am wondering if I just got to this place in my life because of this specific man. He feels like everything I would want in a secondary partner, and is no threat to my marriage. Perhaps the right person just came along and I made room for him in my heart. If at some point we end the relationship though, I don't think I am going to go looking for another "real" relationship and will go back to just having casual sex partners, I think.

He and I had a talk about our feelings though, and I am still feeling giddy. We love each other and that is incredibly exciting... except that I have no one I can tell!

Is this board normally slow or is my situation just uninteresting? I have always found that more perspectives are always helpful, whether I agree or not.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-12-2012, 03:13 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

If you are in love with more than one person, and can imagine yourself happy in a relationship with them both at the same time, and want this to be honest and transparent for all involved, then yes, you are poly.

Poly can very easily mean a specific situation with specific people involved.

But why worry about labels? You are who you are, and are facing some of the standard issues that poly brings. If you find discussion useful here, then by all means join in.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-12-2012, 06:05 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,419
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
After some thought, I'm not sure if I really am poly after all. I am wondering if I just got to this place in my life because of this specific man. He feels like everything I would want in a secondary partner, and is no threat to my marriage.
Sounds delicious. Why the need to question it, then? You don't have to be poly to live poly. You just have to be present and willing to put the necessary work into more than one relationship to be successful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Perhaps the right person just came along and I made room for him in my heart. If at some point we end the relationship though, I don't think I am going to go looking for another "real" relationship and will go back to just having casual sex partners, I think.
It doesn't matter if someday in the future you find yourself perfectly happy and satisfied to live monogamously, or if you eschew more serious commitments altogether; for right now, you have two relationships that work well. So... be here now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
He and I had a talk about our feelings though, and I am still feeling giddy. We love each other and that is incredibly exciting... except that I have no one I can tell!
Tell us!! We love it when people come here and gush. The board is full of posts about problems - give us the good stuff!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Is this board normally slow or is my situation just uninteresting? I have always found that more perspectives are always helpful, whether I agree or not.
Your thread actually seems more in tune with what people write in the Blogs forum. You asked people for their thoughts on things while you unraveled and examined stuff in your mind, rather than posing a situation that needed an urgent, concrete solution. You've been musing and ruminating, and people have added their thoughts. I'm sure more people were reading but perhaps didn't quite know what to add, since it has a bloggy feel. But do keep writing!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-12-2012 at 06:09 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-12-2012, 07:20 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

I don't really want to keep a blog- seems like that would be too labour intensive although sometimes there are words and phrases that I wish I could reread forever.

I posted here because sometimes it's just helpful to have other thoughts on my situation given that this is completely new to me. I figured the people here have experience in poly relationships and would understand how I am feeling.

Do people comment on blogs? What I really need is an outlet- people I can talk to about my life. It's not like I really have anyone I can tell. Right now I am so happy that I want to stand on my roof and shout that I'm in love... and I can't. Well, I can, but they'll all just laugh and ask how I can still be so madly in love with my husband after being together nearly 12 years. And I am madly in love with him... but who else can I tell that I am madly in love with my lover? Pretty much no one. So I don't just want to start a blog just for the sake of writing- it's the interaction that I need.

I am deliriously happy. I have never felt this way in my whole life. I have an extremely rewarding and loving relationship with my husband, where we have reignited the passion we felt in our "honeymoon" period so long ago and combined that with the security and comfort of a marriage. And I have a very exciting, passionate relationship with my lover which combines incredible sex with an intense emotional connection. My cup runneth over.

I'm still having issues dealing with the green eyed monster, but I am trying, I really am. My fear of abandonment has gone way down since he told me how he feels about me. Thinking about him with other women still gives me a twinge (again, except his wife).

Every time I have a twinge, I try to analyze it and figure out why I am feeling that way. Like, he just got back from a week's vacation with his wife, so I am sure he was very turned on and wanting to have sex. It's Sunday, so I know he saw his submissive this morning. I made a list of reasons why I was bothered. One reason I felt jealous was that she got to enjoy that extra passion that comes out when you haven't had sex in a while. But I asked myself, would I rather that he stayed frustrated until we are together? That isn't fair to him and I want him to be happy.

I have to be honest, doing this doesn't entirely take my feelings away. I'm kind of hoping that will happen with time.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-12-2012, 07:30 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,419
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Do people comment on blogs? . . . I don't just want to start a blog just for the sake of writing- it's the interaction that I need.
Yes, we can comment and give feedback on blogs. We're just not allowed to get into debates or arguments (and maybe long tangents?) on them, and the owner of a blog thread can have anyone's post removed from their thread if they don't like what was written. I didn't know how much I'd enjoy blogging til after a while of doing it here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Every time I have a twinge, I try to analyze it and figure out why I am feeling that way. Like, he just got back from a week's vacation with his wife, so I am sure he was very turned on and wanting to have sex. It's Sunday, so I know he saw his submissive this morning. I made a list of reasons why I was bothered. One reason I felt jealous was that she got to enjoy that extra passion that comes out when you haven't had sex in a while. But I asked myself, would I rather that he stayed frustrated until we are together? That isn't fair to him and I want him to be happy.

I have to be honest, doing this doesn't entirely take my feelings away. I'm kind of hoping that will happen with time.
I do the same thing. I try to break it down and figure out why I am feeling a certain way. No, it doesn't automatically always make the uncomfortable feelings go away (although sometimes they do), but it does help, I find, to understand my thought process and how it prompts emotions in order to diffuse them so they have less power over me. A teacher of mine used to say, "If knowledge is power, then self-knowledge is everything."
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-12-2012 at 07:36 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-12-2012, 07:38 PM
buckeye584 buckeye584 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 1
Default Vicki 82

I am new posting here. I know that you are looking for some "general advice" and possibly solutions to your situation. However, I don't think you fit the definition of polyamory. I am in a threesome relationship right now and it is very much a "hinge" relationship or Vee. Anyway, for you to be in a polyamous it takes alot more open, honest, and loving relationship. You are having more of a swinging lifestyle. I did that for many years and it does leave you feeling very empty inside. Polyamory relationships are one of the hardest and most rewarding relationships you can get involved in. You should never have the feelings that your having. That is why I think your more in a swinging lifestyle than polyamory lifestyle. I am kinda rushing this posts and can give you more example if interested. If I am totally of base let me know too. Good luck in all your decisions. Greg
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-12-2012, 07:43 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 150
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeye584 View Post
I am new posting here. I know that you are looking for some "general advice" and possibly solutions to your situation. However, I don't think you fit the definition of polyamory. I am in a threesome relationship right now and it is very much a "hinge" relationship or Vee. Anyway, for you to be in a polyamous it takes alot more open, honest, and loving relationship. You are having more of a swinging lifestyle. I did that for many years and it does leave you feeling very empty inside. Polyamory relationships are one of the hardest and most rewarding relationships you can get involved in. You should never have the feelings that your having. That is why I think your more in a swinging lifestyle than polyamory lifestyle. I am kinda rushing this posts and can give you more example if interested. If I am totally of base let me know too. Good luck in all your decisions. Greg
Wow. Thanks for assuming you know so much about me. And your condescension is insulting, frankly.

You are so far off base on all your comments that it's ridiculous.

Edited to add: I felt attacked by your comments and that you are demeaning my relationship with my lover. And I am definitely not a swinger, and if you knew anything about the swinging lifestyle that would be obvious even from my first post. Your comments about me needing to have a more open honest and loving relationship are incredibly rude and insulting.

Last edited by Vicki82; 08-12-2012 at 08:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-12-2012, 10:27 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Greg,

Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeye584 View Post
I don't think you fit the definition of polyamory.
This should be good....

Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeye584 View Post
I am in a threesome relationship right now and it is very much a "hinge" relationship or Vee. Anyway, for you to be in a polyamous it takes alot more open, honest, and loving relationship.
How is what she talked about not open, honest and loving? Both of her partners know what is going on, and bless it, and she says that he is in love with both of them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeye584 View Post
You are having more of a swinging lifestyle.
I disagree completely. She may have come at this from the swing approach but it has evolved into something that I would definitely call more polyamory than swinging.

Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeye584 View Post
I did that for many years and it does leave you feeling very empty inside.
It may have left YOU feeling very empty inside, but there are many others who feel quite fulfilled from that lifestyle. Sorry it didn't work out for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeye584 View Post
Polyamory relationships are one of the hardest and most rewarding relationships you can get involved in. You should never have the feelings that your having. That is why I think your more in a swinging lifestyle than polyamory lifestyle.
So because she is having some issues, suddenly it's not poly, it's swinging? Yes, poly takes work, and yes it can be full of things that need to be dealt with, including insecurities, jealousy and fears. That doesn't make it "not poly".

Greg, I really suggest you do a little more reading around about the various forms of polyamory and how the polyamorous community tends to accept those who, while still doing poly, do it differently from us. Please do this before handing down your judgments on what is and isn't poly and what is and isn't swinging.

If you'd like to get into more of a discussion on this, I suggest you start a new thread to discuss the forms of poly and their relative merits.

Cheers!
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:37 AM.