Poly and dating in the digital age

[Invi]

So I joined here a week or two ago (I don't really remember when) and have been lurking, but haven't really felt the desire to post on anything until now.

I'm a mono female dating a non-mono male. He meets his dates online.
I'm fairly new to dealing with this, as it started in the last year or so, and I had not really started adjusting until the last few months. I'm still working on it. Jealous type, realizing this is my own issue, trying to handle the underlying emotions, etc.

That's just a little backstory.

The point of me posting:

G, the boyfriend, texts constantly. So much so I was watching the clock after I made dinner for us the other night and timed him texting every. three. minutes. For at least half an hour. I stopped counting after that, but it continued fairly regularly.

The day after he wasn't texting so much, but was instead responding to messages on a dating site at least that often. Again, I made dinner, and he'd leave his food to go and check his messages on the computer.
Mind, I'm pretty DADT about the girls he sees. I don't want to know anything that doesn't directly effect me. I want to know a name to call them by, and when he is going out with whom. That is all. He doesn't tell me when he's talking to anyone. I think he'd rather not, for fear of hurting me. But when he is constantly answering messages from these women, it's kind of hard not to know.
(It really annoys me, this constant communication with other partners. I know it's my issue to handle, but does anyone else feel that way?
Recently we've started having a once-a-week night with no cell phones and very limited computer use in an attempt to make me more comfortable.)

That said, when we were initially dating (we live together now, and have a 15 week old baby), it was a treat to talk on the phone. Mostly we did the same as he is doing now, with lots of texting and messaging. I remember sitting up all night talking to him on OKC until one or the other of us just HAD to sleep.
Maybe we'd talk on the phone once or twice a week.

Having changed phones, I lost a lot of texts I would have rather saved, but our old OKC convos are still in my inbox. heh.

[LovingRadiance]

We've all complained about this-and not just "other partners or potentials" but even coworkers etc.

So, we've started putting agreements in place.

For example, the date times-NO CELLS. Period.
Family time (dinner or special play dates) no cell phones. Period.

If we go camping-we have times for cell use. But, will mostly leave them in the car and we don't do computer.

Also, in bed-no phones or computers.

It does make a HUGE difference.

MIND YOU-we respect that if one of us is out with someone else the same rules apply and we don't try to contact them unless its an EMERGENCY.



I really don't consider this a jealousy thing at all. I consider it a "living in the moment" versus trying to live in multiple moments simultaneously issue.

When its OUR SPECIAL moment-I want us (all of us) IN THAT MOMENT. Including myself.

But-this holds true for other peoples moments too, they deserve to be IN THAT MOMENT-without me.

[CielDuMatin]

I believe that there really is a time and a place for everything. I don't think that it's confined to poly, but I think that we have allowed the Smartphone to start ruling our lives wayyy too much.

While I *love* my Smartphone, I do not have to have it with me every second of every day. When a text comes in, I do *not* run to look at it and answer. Those that do this need to seriously look at their values in life, in my opinion.

The person I am with takes priority. Everybody needs to expect that and respect that. Even though I live with one person, we have "date nights" where I am not expected to answer messages from my other partners. I addition, when I am out with my other partners, I don't expect routine texts or calls from my live-in partner. The rules work both ways.

Now, my day-to-day life is fine for messages and calls - but I almost make a point of not answering immediately, instead finishing what I am doing. If two of us are watching TV, for example, and someone sends me a text - I will only get up to look at it once the show is finished.

To me this is common courtesy and shows respect to the person I am with.

[newtoday]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

The person I am with takes priority. Everybody needs to expect that and respect that. Even though I live with one person, we have "date nights" where I am not expected to answer messages from my other partners. I addition, when I am out with my other partners, I don't expect routine texts or calls from my live-in partner. The rules work both ways.

To me this is common courtesy and shows respect to the person I am with.

Great thoughts CDM! I'd rather have my one date night exclusive to me, but if that's not possible, that's ok, as long as it works both ways.

[dingedheart]

I agree with the turning of phones off. In fact I'll get calls and the people I'm talking with will say your phones ringing, yeah I know but I'm talking with you they're going to have to wait.


CDM I thought you said you don't have more than 2 relationships at a time. Partners sounds like more.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Invi

G, the boyfriend, texts constantly. So much so I was watching the clock after I made dinner for us the other night and timed him texting every. three. minutes. For at least half an hour. I stopped counting after that, but it continued fairly regularly.

The day after he wasn't texting so much, but was instead responding to messages on a dating site at least that often. Again, I made dinner, and he'd leave his food to go and check his messages on the computer . . . (It really annoys me, this constant communication with other partners. I know it's my issue to handle, but does anyone else feel that way? . . .)

It's not just your issue. It's his issue to stop being so goddamn rude. When he's with you and texting other people, what he's effectively doing is saying those other people are more important than the live, flesh-and-blood person in front of him -- YOU. I would ask him to leave the room if he insists he must stay in communication with these people, and then he can fix his own stupid dinner. Fuck that!

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

In fact I'll get calls and the people I'm talking with will say your phones ringing, yeah I know but I'm talking with you they're going to have to wait.

I'm with you here DH. I literally never use call waiting - either it rings through to voicemail or, if the incoming call is from work and I have to answer, I get off the phone with the 1st person and call them back when the work call is over.

For the record I never feel obligated to answer my cell phone unless it is work-related and I am on call (they provide the cell phone for just this reason). They way I look at it - if I had a landline then people wouldn't be able to get in touch with me if I were out for dinner - they would have to leave a message and wait for me to get back to them. Why should it be any different just because I carry my "landline" with me? Then again, I never felt the need to answer my landline, when I had one, either - I hate talking on the phone, most of the time I let the answering machine take it and only called back if I needed to clarify something.

I will admit though that I do tend to check text messages when they come through because I get so few that I am always curious as to what they are - I don't tend to respond however if I am doing something. (My boys and I tend to use text messaging as a "touching base" type of thing - "Leaving work - home in an hour." "Going to store - do you need anything?" and NOT for conversations.)

JaneQ

[Invi]

Originally Posted by nycindie

It's not just your issue. It's his issue to stop being so goddamn rude. When he's with you and texting other people, what he's effectively doing is saying those other people are more important than the live, flesh-and-blood person in front of him -- YOU. I would ask him to leave the room if he insists he must stay in communication with these people, and then he can fix his own stupid dinner. Fuck that!

I may have made this seem slightly worse than it is.
I make dinner, but we don't usually eat together.
Since we have a new baby, I'm usually sitting on the couch with him, eating as I get the chance. G stands at the "kitchen" counter to eat, sometimes not until after I've finished eating depending on what he was doing. Our apartment pretty much only has two rooms, but we still don't really eat together. The frequency is really what annoys me.

I'm thinking it may be getting toned down from now on, though. We had a talk last night and he admitted this recent flurry of non-stop communication may have been related to me being upset with him being on the computer a few times (for longer than I was comfortable with) on our date night. Then of course I had to tell him I was mostly upset because I knew without a doubt he was responding to messages from another woman while he was on there, under the guise of checking the news (usually a common interest of ours). We had both effectively made our problems worse.

Since we do live together I don't expect him to not text them, or to go into another room to do so. I just expect him not to do it every 3 minutes.

[WaywardDruid]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPl9j...eature=related

http://www.break.com/index/cell-phones-are-evil.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2mz5...layer_embedded

They are evil I tell you....

Just Me,
Tim

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

CDM I thought you said you don't have more than 2 relationships at a time. Partners sounds like more.

That is what I have felt works best with me and the partners that I have had, yes. This is not a hard limit, though.