I am trying to understand but need help

[confusedchic]

My boy friend just told me he is not a mono, but a poly. Honestly I never knew there was a difference. After about an hour of shock I decided to look it up and found this site. I am still very confused about it. I did read a post on how it is different than cheating, but still need a lot of clerification. I do not think I am against it, honestly was just shocked when he told me. Honestly, after he told me and reading I wonder if I am a poly too cause it makes sense to me. I would just really like to understand more and I am sure I have stupid questions, but please bare with me.

First why does he seem to get jealous when other guys flirt with me, but he wants to add another girl to the relationship?

Would we still have a relationship(we live together) or would the other person move in and always be here?

Is poly like when a man has more than one wife?

Please, try to explain what ever you would like or tell me about.
Thank you

[bleego]

My wife and I just recently came over from a Mono to a Poly relationship. We pretty much already had the "we can mess around with other people as long as it doesn't get too serious without each other involved" rule before this since a few months before we got married. But once she realized her relationship with one of our good friends was starting to become more, we had a talk about it and decided that this is what we want. We know it will take a bit of work and a fuckton of communication. Given how our relationship has been so far ( awesome! ) I have high hopes for us, and while I may have anxieties ( Mostly just needing to follow a lot of the advise on this board and work on myself and get out there ) I know one absolute truth. My wife loves me, and I love her dearly. Sorry for the longer intro, but let me try to tackle the questions

1) I don't see how this is going to work if he has a free pass to go find other women, but gets jealous over you. You may or may not actually want to see other people, but you should by all rights have the option. Especially since HE is the one who is wanting to go forward with this.

2) I would sure hope you two would still have a relationship, the idea is that he want's to love you as well as other people. I'm pretty new to all of this myself but I don't think there is any sort of living arrangement protocol, but if you already live with your boyfriend, that shouldn't change. If her moving in comes up later, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. But that should be something further out in the future to make sure you can actually live together without killing eachother.

3) That is polygamy. Polyamory is a bit more open on who is seeing who and what the extent of their relationship is. I know a few couple's who are married and have their boyfriends and girlfriends.

I would encourage just looking through the forums here, Here are a few links a friend of mine gave me to read through.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
http://www.modernpoly.com/
http://www.pepperminty.com/
http://www.planetwaves.net/jealousy.html

People on here seem pretty good to talk to, but if I can answer anything else I'll be glad to try my hand since we both seem to be in similar stages of newbiness in regards to this.


-edit-
I wanted to make a quick clarification of Poly vs Cheating. In my view your relationship is what you make of it. And thus the bar for cheating changes with each relationship. Cheating in my mind is sneaking around outside of the boundaries of your own relationship. In an ideal relationship, if you are open about your other lovers, than it should not be a problem, you agree'd that you could have other loves. It is within the boundaries of your relationship.

[redpepper]

don't forget lovemore.com too.

I would be a tad concerned that he gets jealous about flirts as he may not of considered that you might want to add someone to your life too. That might hit him hard to think of but it may help him understand how you feel... as for the rest of what you ask, with a bit of reading and research you will find your answers relatively fast as they are common questions, but good ones

Feel free to ask more after a good read.... it might help to read together with your boyfriend and make it a together adventure.

Good luck

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by bleego

3) That is polygamy. Polyamory is a bit more open on who is seeing who and what the extent of their relationship is. I know a few couple's who are married and have their boyfriends and girlfriends.

Polygamy simply means having multiple spouses. Polygyny is the term for many wives and polyandry means many husbands. If there is love involved in any of these types of marriages then they are polyamorous relationships.

Some couples approach poly by "adding someone to their relationship" and making some sort of a closed triad. Most often (though not always) couples seek to add another woman. This a pretty common way that couples who are new to poly approach it. While it often appears to be the safest way to approach polyamory, it tends to be the most difficult because the relationship is prescriptive. Meaning that you have a very specific set of requirements for what that relationship will look like (she will fall in love with both of us, etc) before the other person is even involved. This tends to constrict the other person. The most successful closed triads I know came together without planning it.

Other couples approach poly by just exploring relationships outside of the bond that exists between the two. These things work best when everybody is comfortable with everybody. But this often gives each member of the couple their own space to explore while still keeping the core of their relationship strong.

By the wording you used ("add another girl to our relationship") it sounds like he's looking for the former approach. If he's getting jealous over something like flirting, it definitely sounds like there's some work to do before approaching another relationship.

[crisare]

Here's my stab at some of these questions:

First why does he seem to get jealous when other guys flirt with me, but he wants to add another girl to the relationship?

It sounds to me like he might have a wee bit of a double standard going. Maybe not even consciously, but there nonetheless. Unelss you agree between you that it's ok one way but not the other, then the issue of his jealousy would have to be addressed. As the old saying goes: sauce for the goose ...e tc.

Would we still have a relationship(we live together) or would the other person move in and always be here?

That would depend entirely on what you agree to and what kind of relationship you develop. That's the thing about poly - is that there are so many variations. Some people all move in together because that's what they want. Some maintain separate lives while still dating. Some do a combination of the above.

FWIW, my husband and I live together and we are each other's primary relationship (emotional, not sexual); he does not have another relationship and claims not to want one, but the opportunity is there if he does (and I think he's been looking more and more recently). My (ex)boyfriend is married and lives with his wife; they are also each other's primary relationship (emotional and sexual). His wife has a girlfriend who is only involved with her and not with him (or with me, for that matter). We all know each other, have socialized together sometimes (although not usually all at once), and had pretty good communication between us. (My b/f and I broke up earlier this year - which is why I'm using the past tense, just in case you're wondering.)

That's one way that poly can work. But it's only one way. There are dozens of other permutations that are possible - and it's all about what you and your partner(s) agree to.

Is poly like when a man has more than one wife?

It can be, but it doesn't have to be. Some people who are in long term, committed poly relationships will refer to their partners as their spouses/husbands/wives ... in the plural. But polyamory (many loves) is not necessarily about polygamy (multiple marriage). A person can be considered a spouse (although not necessarily legally) or a boyfriend or girlfriend. It just depends ... again ... on the agreements all the partners come to.