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  #11  
Old 08-10-2012, 10:10 PM
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Entry #6

I had a crazy amazing date with S. Not wickedly wild, but just great. We talked for hours, kissed and fondled a bit. Watched the shooting stars and talked more. We asked each other a lot of blunt, honest questions and each replied with honesty. I feel a real connection with him, and we both agreed to keep pursuing this relationship.

G had a pretty harsh evening. P told him she does not want a relationship with him, because of his stomach. She told him that if he works hard, loses weight; she might be willing to give him a chance in another year. Fat chance, pun intended. G saw her true light and realized how shallow she is. She spent the entire night bashing S and asking G if he knew what S and I were doing. They eventually quit chatting, and he was in a pissy mood (who wouldnít be?).

I got home at nearly 5AM (5 hours later). G seemed to be in an angry mood (I assumed he was upset that this date may have been sexual). He told me all that P had said to him, how she kept giving him ďthreads of hopeĒ, and just outright bashed S the entire time.

We had a very long discussion, as he did not want me to be around S (thinking P was talking absolute truth about him). I explained what we talked about, how he was, his emotional state and what we decided about our feelings for each other (definitely on the way to a full on loving relationship, just taking it slow so we donít muck up our lives). It really opened Gís eyes that S can be a wonderful person, once he lets down the Bravado faÁade. He and G are very similar in their emotional needs and wants (and physical, haha). They have different interests (G is tech-inclined, S is artsy, like me).

But anyways, I decided to tell G what happened (he asked for details, S was fine with me telling G). G became so happy for me, and relished sharing my afterglow and NRE. We talked for a good 4 hours and cuddled. I still havenít slept

But, G wants me to continue with S, as long as I feel it is something I want. He is so happy seeing me enjoying going out on dates, sharing common interests and just enjoying the new sexual energy and intimacy. He is in agreement that he wants to get to know S, the real S, without the Bravado. He wants to have a friend in his metamour. S wants this as well, calls us part of his family.

I honestly worried I would not be able to even hold his (Sís) hand. He was just as nervous as I was, lol. We laughed through our nerves and really opened up to each other. It was intimate but no sex. It was absolutely amazing. Iíve honestly had my sexuality bound up and gagged in a closet for so many years, it is liberating to share myself with someone whom I care for, and who cares for me. G and I have been together for 10 years, and we were very inexperienced when we met. Itís just different with S. I donít compare them (apples and oranges, haha) I just love the differences.

G has slender fingers and smaller hands. Heís more submissive. Heís 2 years older than I. S has larger hands and thick fingers. I love the feel of them on the back of my neck! Heís very attentive, tender andÖI donít know how to describe it. Heís nothing like anyone Iíve ever been with. He is also 5 years younger than me. Itís rejuvenating.

Now, I donít know what will happen between S and P. It doesnít sound like they want to be with each other (based on conversations with both). I told S I will never give him advice or my opinions on his relationship with her. However I did tell him I would stand by him, whatever he decides to do. We also agreed to take whatever time we both need (more him at this point), and not label our relationship, but just date and not pursue anyone else. If we find anything lacking, or off or anything hinky, we will talk about it. It feels great having set our boundaries and set some goals (example, S and I will go camping within a month or so, for a few days alone). We have mutual agreements about not being intimate with anyone other than our partners and each other. Keep in contact and be honest about any needs we have (space, time alone, sexy time, cuddles, a shoulder to lean on, etc).

All in all, I am glad that I didnít fully discard him. I had thought I should, briefly. I kept going back, and feeling I need to get him alone and talk. See who he is without P around. Heís a good soul, and I am grateful I went with my instinct to take it slow and go at his pace

I know there is some manipulation on P's part, promising sex if S stayed home instead of coming to see me - while for weeks has not allowed him to touch her (seen this in action myself). Then asking G to call S and find out what is happening, what we were doing, when he was coming home, etc. She said to both me and G, that she was fine if S and I had a relationship. Then says totally different things to G when we are not around. I think G and I will stay away from her...she sounds potentially toxic to me (am I wrong about this?).
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  #12  
Old 08-10-2012, 10:25 PM
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p told him she does not want a relationship with him, because of his stomach. She told him that if he works hard, loses weight; she might be willing to give him a chance in another year.
run!!!
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  #13  
Old 08-10-2012, 11:15 PM
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run!!!
Thank you! G has already said she is out, because he is very strict with his personal rules, which include not being a doormat and not being manipulated by anyone, regardless of how attractive he finds them
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  #14  
Old 08-11-2012, 03:40 PM
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Let me first say, having always been shy, scared to make first moves thinking I'll insult a woman. Having spent 3 days with S & P and never having the balls to ask P how she feels about me, how she'd think our overall relationship would work and encouraging by all T, S, P about just balls up, be honest and say what's on my mind when I approach women Tonight I DID ask P point blank if she found me attractive and if she thought we had any future. I DID tell her I want honesty as usual. I got the honesty and the truth. (even if it fucking sucks and I don't like it, lol)

Also thank you SNeacail. Yes that was an extremely harsh evening and overnight as I think I talked with P from about 11pm till 3am, trying to continually remember keep that "wall" up as it is now "just friends" as we just talked about things, some ways they would help eachother with their own relationship issues, etc. Which in itself is very complex, with before being "interested" in P or now being "rejected" by P puts me in a fairly bad light. But, I still DO want what is best for both of them and Bean and unfortunately even S agrees that it'll likely not be a happy ending.

I understand this is more about T and I, but rather than leaving that last bit wide open about the happy ending where readers are left to think WTF!? I think this should clear it up.

Quote:
Basically S and P have been in a unstable relationship for years with resentment, anger, heated arguments and belittling eachother to just let off stream to prevent further fights. Neither is happy, one only stays in it blinded by love, accepting feeling worthless is worth the pain to keep the relationship going, both continue to live through the pain for Bean.

In spite of both saying they came from broken homes with anger and psychical fighting (just like this) they both want to keep it together for Bean. Now I may be wrong but common sense to me says raising a child only a few years old in that environment is not the best the the child since that is the main reason both choose to try to keep it together. I asked P ok you'll put up with it for Bean "for how long? Till Bean is 18? or longer?" Is not the best for Bean. I guess I've always been the counselor type while I CANNOT tell either of them oh just dump the other. I believe we both have been open trying to make them see reality outside of their anger and feelings they have. Looking at all the options and outcomes. Can it be fixed, whose willing to try and top of all how are each's own needs and feelings will be met so it can be a more equal open, honest relationship without feeling worthless and just putting ones feelings aside to make it work. Seeing their doctor, counseling, etc. Catching and trying to change the actions which lead so often lead to the bad feelings is also a very key part.
T didn't get home till around 5am when she was on cloud 9... *hangs head* till with my mind racing I was fairly angry preparing for the worst. I believe she stated earlier S like most men puts up a pretty thick macho tough guy attitude (which I hate in all men!!! In my opinon it makes them look fucking childish and I know *evil grin* that is just all the more insecure they are under it. I'm hoping S will get it just be yourself!!!) couple this with a locker room type way of joking S has *sighs* I really was worried if they both walked in and he cracked a joke something like "Man you're lucky, boy was T tight tonight!" I felt like I would have kicked the shit outa him and toss him out the door!

Now don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine and understand sex will happen. I want T to to be happy and of course part of their relationship will include sex. Admittedly I guess I'm a guy that even thinks it's hot in a kinky sort of way but the bottom line is Respect! in our/my house. Unless we were waaaaaaaay further down the road and casual about just screwing eachother at will while we're all at home. I told T while I could see us being that close and comfortable around eachother at some point if he's respectful. It would take quite a while before I might be ready for it.

In spite S saying P is just shy and P saying take it slow, it'll take time I never expected she would slam on the brakes over such an issue. Personally as intense as my love and feelings are (for potential or steady relationship), I was VERY surprised when P commented that she actually did not find me attractive due to having a bit of a belly (yes honestly currently 232lbs down from 250lbs about a month ago) I was not so much shocked or heartbroken but laughed and looked down and touched my stomach thinking wow on her part.

Now I'm not trying to deflect anger or be rude but the first thought I had was. S is likely in the high 200's closer to 300lbs but after a few seconds it was more clear in which I told her "well you know I understand, you've been with S for years! You're blindly in love with him as you've said, you probably don't even notice nor care how big he is as it's a long term relationship. Although with a secondary partner you DO have a choice, you CAN be picky. Your not stuck in the relationship yet as it's brand new and fresh."

After this we continued talking for hours just as friends. I think my biggest hurt was nothing really to do with P but my own feelings, insecurity and mind wandering thinking fuck now what! Plus the fact within five minutes this happening T was picked up for her date and started her very real relationship with S.

When T got home and after discussing why I was angry and that it was NOT about her time/date with S nor if they had sex or not. We had a very good night in spite of my harsh night with P. T and I ended up talking, enjoying the kinkiness of it and the NRE off T led to a very enjoyable night for us both. I admit we both did take a few jabs at P as we talked and it just made things feel even more hot about S, knowing how good a night T and S had and while besides dumping me P stayed at home babysitting Bean asking "So how long do you think S & T will be out?" "Umm can you call S and ask when he'll be home?" Honestly I quickly said "sure np" and changed the subject but no way in hell I would phone and risk screwing up T's date (ya think!?) especially after the actions of P

While we had a great night once T got home the next day only after being up for a few hours it started weighing on me while I was back on Okcupid and several other dating sites.

Really nothing to do with P but the depressing thinking how "the couple" was a "perfect fit" emotionally, neither of us would feel left out. I loved the whole family dynamic feel, Bean brought out a side in me T has rarely if ever seen. Since I normally do not like children and try to get out of being around them. While we did not knowingly go out looking for swingers finding a M/F couple into us and claimed to both be looking for an actual ongoing relationship was just too bloody perfect! Now that family good feeling is gone. Instead will be replaced by two separate relationships. T & S and Myself & whoever.

Will it be better or worse I don't know. (fuck getting emotional even as I type this) As I said it weighed heavily on me last night, I was depressed, wanted to just cry, annoyed as fukin hell our pets would not bloody leave me alone! Went to lay down and got the dogs barking right outside my window. I was on the verge of exploding... Yes honestly even while on a bunch of crap to *rolls eyes* stabilize my mood. Pretty much begged T that I need to go out for a walk and talk with her now!!!

Told her my feelings, that I and in NO WAY angry at her, nor at S. How I realized the meds mostly dulled my feelings, anytime I did feel upset I had always managed to get her into talking kinky about it all or *cough* a more hands-on distraction. Said that I know they are MY feelings, I have to deal with them I just don't fukin now how right now!!! This was also the first time I admitted to T yes I feel selfish yes I really really wished things did not work out with S & P especially after P said it's over but S was already on his way here. Where I was thinking why why why, oh god if we could have just found another local couple, screw the one hour drive each time we wanted to see them. Also to have that family feeling and so no one feels left out. Had to say I'm sorry I feel like shit saying I wish it didn't work even tho I know how you care about S. It's just... it was so perfect with a couple!

I guess like getting a taste of something new and now is hands-down the best thing you've ever tasted! You believe nothing could beat that.

This also brought up my past thoughts. If should just shove my long time "good guy" lovey dovey sweet I so want to be in love with someone way of thinking and just instead adapt to finding a woman just for sex. Since with poly and swingers there seems to be tons more out there for "just sex" rather than those like myself looking for a loving honest relationship.

T says I shouldn't lower myself down to that level, be true to myself, she married the kind of person I currently am now. I honestly don't know, as we've explored this, I've been more open about sex and at times I do regret being the "nice guy" since my teenage years always needing the feeling of being in a relationship before sex!

Hmm to me it all boils down to what is logical, what are the odds, what will get me what I feel I need. T has changed, I'd say for the better since she's feeling sexually liberated.

I sit here confused, debating in my head. It's not about just sex... but maybe just sex would follow into a relationship. Can I stop feeling bad if I'm just one check-mark on a woman's to-do list for the week. Revolving more around just sex maybe I'd more likely find someone into fetishes I enjoy and that could be a relationship.
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  #15  
Old 08-12-2012, 03:22 AM
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I think you both are doing great in figuring out what you want and communicating your needs, etc., but you could do well to slow things down a bit. While it is great to know what you eventually want for yourselves, making plans for the future at such an early stage can set you up for deep disappointment. Don't hang all your hopes on S and P. Keep meeting people, see where the chemistry is, take chances but just a little bit at a time. Don't try to make a relationship out of a very new attraction before it really actually is one. Be patient, and keep learning from the process.
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  #16  
Old 08-12-2012, 04:21 AM
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Much agreed. I do keep meeting people, but there is no attraction. I mean, yes someone can be attractive or interesting, but there are usually big things that are a strict no for me. Right now I'm not looking for anyone else, because I want to see where this is going. More than one additional person at a time is too much stress for me, haha!
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  #17  
Old 08-12-2012, 10:48 PM
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Well personally I'm having way more difficulty with this than I thought I would especially when things start lacking at home With home environment, untrained loud pets (barking, shitting and peeing inside, I usually leave it for T and just put up with the smell as am sick of it), lack of privacy (with others in the house) to even "take care of myself" except for whenever T goes to sleep which is between 11pm sometimes till 4am then I have till about 5:30am to cyber, look at porn, etc to take care of my needs before others may wander out into the living room. Without other outlets it's being very difficult not to feel left out, tossed aside. Being angry this morning, came to realize with the date T had with S honestly he had more sex with T (which wasn't much) than I have got in likely over a month LOL.

We are both in a bad position, no vehicle, no money. Being female of course T got someone quickly who is willing to drive hours into town to take her out. So now I feel the need to just find anyone for a fuck just to have an outlet, to get out of here, someone to talk to without all the stress of home life. Honestly right now wish had a relationship to just get away from home for a few days to a week to just have a vacation and clear my mind. I find myself thinking back to the married woman I saw when I was very young (yes cougar type thing) and wishing where is someone like that now. I guess at 34 not really the young innocent type to be snatched up by an older woman anymore, lol.

I was on here thinking where the hell do I find locals accepting of Poly when being a male and married and poly seems like three strikes your out. It seems impossible to find a woman even open enough to chat with unless it's just someone looking just for sex, intimate encounters, unhappy married women looking to cheat, etc. Almost all "single" women are turned off at a married man, unless she is unhappy looking to cheat, just looking for casual encounters, etc but no relationship.

I think the "nice guy" and relationship expectations are going to fade fast here since I got the low-key semi-loving relationship at home. Really feeling the need for the spark, fire of passion, elsewhere even if it means just casual sex.

*sighs* It's an interesting journey, I felt I could not deny T of her relationship with S, so I do not really feel... or as hard as it is to say do not care what she thinks of whoever I find for a relationship, if I do, or whenever I do. At this moment my standards are way lower seeing it may be needed to find someone to accept me in this situation. (unless I lie, which I still refuse to do.)

Sorry to sound like a ranting angry child on here... just the brutal honesty of home life. Pretty much how it's been for years and sadly how it is staying. Aside from brief episodes of kink talking about the possibilities of what may come of polyamory or when T comes back from a date with S.

Find myself thinking how to rearrange our living room and bedroom for my privacy and possibly so we can actually have a few more options for sex *cough* whenever it happens with T so it's something other than just the bed on the floor. Almost anywhere else and someone can walk in on us, LOL. It'd be even safer outside in the covered side drive way of the house, the back yard, in one of the sheds it's dark at night, got a solid table and chairs out back and almost no chance of being seen. But the mosquitoes are a pain in every part of the naked body.
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Old 08-12-2012, 11:25 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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It'd be even safer outside in the covered side drive way of the house, the back yard, in one of the sheds it's dark at night, got a solid table and chairs out back and almost no chance of being seen. But the mosquitoes are a pain in every part of the naked body.
I'm sorry you are feeling that you are in a difficult spot. Many posters here have lamented that it DOES seem easier for poly women than poly men to find potential partners. If you are not averse to casual sex I honestly don't see why that can't be a starting point - as long as you are honest (Yes, I am married. Yes, she is ok with it. Yes, I want sex. Yes, I am really looking for something more, but will settle for sex for now. No, I am NOT okay with participating in cheating.)

But the privacy thing really seems like it can be addressed if you are creative...(I must have missed your living situation - who the hell is wandering about at all hours?)

The bit that I quoted reminds me of a time period when Dude was broken up with his ex but she was still visiting here frequently and I didn't feel comfortable having sex with Dude with her in the house even if she was asleep. MrS suggested a blanket and the great outdoors...Dude rolled with the idea and picked a spot - IN THE DAMN FRONT YARD (seriously? 20+ acres to choose from and you pick one visible from the damn road?!) OTOH - I didn't notice the mosquitoes. Not. One. Damn. Bit.

JaneQ

PS. I'm working on how to be a good "wingman" for my boys if they ever decide to "branch out" - right now my plans are 1.) take them to some poly meetup in a nearby city 2.) take them to some hippy music fest type concerts, flirt with every female in sight and introduce them to my boys 3.) help them write up OKCupid profiles that would attract the type of girls that they think they like (i.e. a profile that I would like - I really have no other basis for comparison)
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #19  
Old 08-12-2012, 11:32 PM
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It's my parents, they share our house with their own apartment. However they use our kitchen and main bathroom for showering. They don't wander out often, but my dad works early mornings, so he will walk out in the yard (not through our part), to head out for work.
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Old 08-13-2012, 05:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Storm77 View Post
Well personally I'm having way more difficulty with this than I thought I would especially when things start lacking at home With home environment, untrained loud pets (barking, shitting and peeing inside, I usually leave it for T and just put up with the smell as am sick of it), lack of privacy (with others in the house) to even "take care of myself" except for whenever T goes to sleep which is between 11pm sometimes till 4am then I have till about 5:30am to cyber, look at porn, etc to take care of my needs before others may wander out into the living room. Without other outlets it's being very difficult not to feel left out, tossed aside. Being angry this morning, came to realize with the date T had with S honestly he had more sex with T (which wasn't much) than I have got in likely over a month LOL.
It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a serious discussion on some of the things you guys need to work on. I know that to those that like to be surrounded by pets,they don't even realize that the smell can be absolutely nauseating to everyone else. Storm, if you think this is a real problem (which it sounds like you do), make sure Glitter knows it and the two of you sit down and figure out a plan of action to fix it. Same goes for more privacy and being more intimate with each other.
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