Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #521  
Old 08-10-2012, 08:31 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,722
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by noisycthulhu View Post



So as well as wanting to be poly with a man and woman together as well as some one on one (staying within the three of us), I am into more than vanilla sex. I would have to compromise greatly or be extremely lucky to get what I want/need. =_=

I understand that a lot of people are into BDSM as well as polyamory but it just seems nigh impossible to find what you're looking for. Sometimes I hate the way I'm wired, it just seems I'm making it harder on myself.

Perhaps if I was more the mythical hot bisexual babe it would be easier, as least to try out. But I'm chunky on top of everything else as well as being nerdy.

I'M DOOMED.
No, you're not doomed. I am similar to you, chunky... er, voluptuous, kinda nerdy, my drag is sometimes femme, sometimes butch.

Don't give up! I found my love, my gf, within 3 weeks of joining ok cupid, and in the next 3 years, a few guys along the way who also shared our kink interests (although I dated them separately). 7 months ago, my bf Ginger appeared in my life and our V is developing slowly into a triad of sorts.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-10-2012 at 08:43 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #522  
Old 08-11-2012, 03:26 AM
noisycthulhu's Avatar
noisycthulhu noisycthulhu is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 15
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
No, you're not doomed. I am similar to you, chunky... er, voluptuous, kinda nerdy, my drag is sometimes femme, sometimes butch.

Don't give up! I found my love, my gf, within 3 weeks of joining ok cupid, and in the next 3 years, a few guys along the way who also shared our kink interests (although I dated them separately). 7 months ago, my bf Ginger appeared in my life and our V is developing slowly into a triad of sorts.
I don't have it in me to give up, but I certainly have it in me to bitch and moan about it :P thank you, though, for giving your example as a light at the end of the tunnel. I will try to be more positive ^_^
Reply With Quote
  #523  
Old 08-11-2012, 06:04 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,156
Default

noisycthulhu -- chill. not everything has to come up at the front end of a relationship.

I had kinky desires I wasn't going to trot out right away because -- I don't need to play in the deep end of the pool with someone I JUST MET. That doesn't mean that over time it can't happen as the relationship simmers along and catches fire. Don't be so hard on yourself.

If you are a sub newbie, check out "The New Bottoming Book" and for sake of completeness "The New Topping Book" . There are other titles for techniques and things but I find those are easy to read for ethics. And even if you don't want to top, reading about topping can help you find a safe top and get your "what do I look for in a dom/top" thing worked out. You don't have to say "yes" just to any top that comes along cuz they call themselves a top. YKWIM?

DO work out your ethics. Knowing YOURSELF and what you wants, needs, soft/hard limits for your "man-woman triad w/ some light BDSM" dance card. When you can be CLEAR, it makes finding a partner that much easier. Then you just have to see if the dance cards can line up or not.

Consider getting involved in your kink community. Dungeons, munches, and so on offer classes, roundtables, socials, support groups in person etc.

Being plus-size is no biggie -- people come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. I was pretty svelte at the start of my adult dating life but illness has tacked on poundage over the years -- and I'm still happy in my rship and haven't had a problem with that. It's how you carry yourself -- truly. There will be people not attracted to plus size -- and that is their right. People get turned on by whatever it is. But there are also people willing to look beyond their initial attraction points. I have a thing for brunettes. So what? I married a blond!

Hang in there.
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-11-2012 at 06:09 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #524  
Old 04-25-2013, 04:55 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,366
Default

Hey everybody,
I came across an interesting blog and did a little reading about a certain kind of domination which got me curious about something, so I thought I'd post a question here. I know I've read on this forum that people have been, or know others who have been, in D/s relationships that are totally online.

How does that work? I admit that totally online relationships of any kind mystify me for many reasons - but to dom someone that way would seem even more challenging. I am aware that pros do this sort of thing online and charge subs for their various services - and I imagine there is a lot of web-camming going on. But what about real Doms and Dommes who are not pros? In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it). How do they develop the relationship, dominate, enforce their contracts, etc.? And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?

If you or anyone you know has an online D/s thing going on that isn't professional, I hope you share the logistics of it and how it is managed and maintained. Just so curious - I had to ask!

Also, do you think anyone gets into domming in order to gain confidence and develop leadership skills, or is it usually just something they are naturally skilled at?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Last edited by nycindie; 04-25-2013 at 05:24 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #525  
Old 04-25-2013, 06:32 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

I think it's something some people are naturally skilled at and/or enjoy, but i also think it's possible to "act" dominant in order to please your partner... or satisfy your customer.

That said (that's my latest segue), i don't think there would be any use for dominant partners or Masters/Mistresses, etc. if there wasn't such a demand by submissive types. Perhaps i'm mistaken, but i do not believe being submissive is something you can fake and still enjoy in order to please your partner, due to the "optional" nature of that power-imbalance. Besides, i thought i read that subs outnumber doms by... I don't remember exactly, but it was at least by an order of magnitude or two.
Reply With Quote
  #526  
Old 04-25-2013, 06:36 PM
BSP83 BSP83 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I think it's something some people are naturally skilled at and/or enjoy, but i also think it's possible to "act" dominant in order to please your partner... or satisfy your customer.

That said (that's my latest segue), i don't think there would be any use for dominant partners or Masters/Mistresses, etc. if there wasn't such a demand by submissive types. Perhaps i'm mistaken, but i do not believe being submissive is something you can fake and still enjoy in order to please your partner, due to the "optional" nature of that power-imbalance. Besides, i thought i read that subs outnumber doms by... I don't remember exactly, but it was at least by an order of magnitude or two.
I totally agree with this. My husband is submissive...it's who he is and always has been. I tend to lean toward dominance, but am more vanilla. I can "act" dominant to him when that's what he wants/needs. He can also "act" dominant during play, but that's where it ends. His submissiveness is a part of who he is.
__________________
B-That's me! About to turn 30, mom to 3 brats, married to P for 11 years and dating S.

P-my husband

S-my/our girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #527  
Old 04-25-2013, 06:46 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Deliciousness

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hey everybody,
I came across an interesting blog and did a little reading about a certain kind of domination which got me curious about something, so I thought I'd post a question here. I know I've read on this forum that people have been, or know others who have been, in D/s relationships that are totally online.

How does that work? I admit that totally online relationships of any kind mystify me for many reasons - but to dom someone that way would seem even more challenging. I am aware that pros do this sort of thing online and charge subs for their various services - and I imagine there is a lot of web-camming going on. But what about real Doms and Dommes who are not pros? In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it). How do they develop the relationship, dominate, enforce their contracts, etc.? And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?

If you or anyone you know has an online D/s thing going on that isn't professional, I hope you share the logistics of it and how it is managed and maintained. Just so curious - I had to ask!

Also, do you think anyone gets into domming in order to gain confidence and develop leadership skills, or is it usually just something they are naturally skilled at?
My online dom was back in the days of IRC, when there was no readily available way to transfer pictures. We would meet in a chat room, and have sessions. It was wildly sexual and liberating for me, and he enjoyed having someone who was so willing. I suppose I could have been faking and he wouldn't have known about it, but I didn't fake. I did everything he told me to, without question - that was our agreement, and I thought about him a lot in my day to day life. For me it was more intellectual than anything else, and *I* chose to make it physical.

For me, domming is a way of using my confidence and authority to bring pleasure to a sub. It's a role, and it's fun - but I'm a switch, so being a sub can be really fun too. I think being a dilligent and obedient sub gives me a standard to hold my subs to when I switch. It's good for my leadership skills because I have a place in my life where someone cannot say no to me (unless they use their safe word, of course), but it's totally different, as I would NEVER manage my staff from an 'on high' place - that's no way to build a team, LOL. In that same breath, I think that my style of real-life management adds something to my sub's experiences - I can spot their shortcomings as a sub and completely and utterly capitalize on it - I am used to spotting weaknesses in a team and working to strengthen them, so challenging a sub in a really psychologically taboo area is easier for me.

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 04-25-2013 at 06:50 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #528  
Old 04-25-2013, 06:48 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,722
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hey everybody,
How do they develop the relationship, dominate, enforce their contracts, etc.?
I've had a bit of personal experience in this. You develop the relationship by talking. The Dom/me tells the sub what to do. The Dom/me demands to be addressed respectfully, usually to be called Ma'am, Miss, Sir, Daddy or some other term of respect. "Enforcement" isn't needed, because it is all consensual. If a sub doesn't please, he or she knows they will be dropped.


Quote:
And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Not really a sub? Not really the gender or age or whatever that they say they are? A sub can send pix or get on cam even if their Dom/me doesn't want to. But I can imagine some Dom/mes who would be ok with getting on cam themselves.

I've ordered subs to do various things and I am pretty sure they were actually doing what they said they were, just by the apparent excitement they showed in their typing. Sometimes you have them do such and such (wear a certain outfit, get in a certain position, masturbate in public, flog themselves, tie up their cock and balls, etc, there are so many fun things to do!), and write on a piece of paper, or on their body, something like, "Hello Miss X (the Dom/me's name), this one (meaning themselves) is your slut," and take a pic of themselves, along with the piece of signed paper.

Quote:
Also, do you think anyone gets into domming in order to gain confidence and develop leadership skills, or is it usually just something they are naturally skilled at?
You need a certain degree of leadership skills, but they can be further developed in the relationship. Likewise, the sub/slave is trained to be a more pleasing sub, learning to do things that specifically please their Miss/Master.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #529  
Old 04-25-2013, 06:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

I certainly would never argue with someone who says they CAN feign submissiveness and enjoy it ONLY because it pleases their partner, but i have never met one or heard it second hand, or read about it on a discussion thread. That doesn't mean they dont exist. On the other hand, i have met and read and heard of people who can act dominant or learned how to be in order to please their partner. Some of them actually do not like it after all. Others like it because their partner likes it. But i have never heard someone who does not enjoy subbing or bottoming say they get vicarious enjoyment out of participating in that activity.

I realize i just repeated myself, but this is a touchy subject for people sometimes and i wanted to make sure it is understood that this is MY experience ONLY and is in no way a broad statement about all things everywhere.
Reply With Quote
  #530  
Old 04-25-2013, 08:16 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

Wendigo is involved in an LDR D/s relationship. They talk primarily over Skype and have known each other through his online RP Group. They became more involved outside of the group last year and it has moved to the point where he collared her last month. The likelihood of them meeting in person is slim to none as she lives on the other side of the country and her fiance would not be okay with them having a relationship in "real life". The funny thing is, most of what he tells her to do are things that are directly benefiting her fiance; like ordering her to dress sexily and drive to where her fiance lives and fuck him senseless.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, d/s, dominant, fetishes, metamours, poly, relationships, sex play, submissive

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:39 AM.