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  #11  
Old 08-10-2012, 12:42 AM
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Glitter Glitter is offline
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I am upfront from the get go. If someone is not willing or able to accept that I am in another relationship, then we don't even get started. Too many cowboys/cowgirls out there, thinking they can change my mind, lol. Hubby is the same, upfront about the situation. Just seems logical to us, why hide or omit our SO? He is a huge part of my life, so I don't exclude him in my conversations. To not say anything would leave a smaller window of things I can discuss, haha.
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  #12  
Old 08-10-2012, 04:44 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I'm definitely in the "let them know from the get-go/first date" camp.

I generally meet people via OKCupid. It is clearly stated in my profile that I'm poly and it is linked to my husband's profile. His is the same way.

Now, I also think that not mentioning poly or any primary partners until the first date would be fine in my book, but like a few others I would feel deceived/uncomfortable if I went out on a date, or even just a get-to-know-you meet for coffee, and a person in a committed relationship didn't tell me about said committed relationship(s).
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  #13  
Old 08-10-2012, 04:17 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I met one guy who insisted that it wasn't something that was needed (and preached endlessly about "radical honesty") until he got to know someone better. This was taken to the point of lying on his dating profiles, saying he was "single" when in fact he was legally married to his primary. No mention in his profiles about having anybody.

When I asked him when he brought it up, it was usually after the first few dates (which could easily have included sex). His logic was that he felt that if he hid that, it would allow the person to get to know him first, and then would be more likely to stick around after knowing the truth than if he came out with it first.

I wasn't impressed.... I think I actually called him a hypocrite to his face. He was unfazed....
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  #14  
Old 08-10-2012, 04:27 PM
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Ugh, bad stuff Ciel! Why would anyone want to stick around after such blatant deceit?
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  #15  
Old 08-10-2012, 06:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I met one guy who insisted that it wasn't something that was needed (and preached endlessly about "radical honesty") until he got to know someone better. This was taken to the point of lying on his dating profiles, saying he was "single" when in fact he was legally married to his primary. No mention in his profiles about having anybody.

When I asked him when he brought it up, it was usually after the first few dates (which could easily have included sex). His logic was that he felt that if he hid that, it would allow the person to get to know him first, and then would be more likely to stick around after knowing the truth than if he came out with it first.

I wasn't impressed.... I think I actually called him a hypocrite to his face. He was unfazed....
Well, to be fair to the guy, his method is effective.. especially if the girl has no experience with polyamory. That's partially the reason I started this thread. I wanted to hear stories of single girls (with no poly history) who met poly-guys (who have primaries) and dated them, knowing they were poly from the get-go. Are there any stories like that around here? It's easy to say, "guys should do this" and "guys should do that", but I'm more curious about what is effective.

Thanks again, everyone, for your time.

-Wolf
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  #16  
Old 08-10-2012, 06:29 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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My husband is in an online (email and Skype) relationship with a woman who had never heard of poly until reading his OKC profile. She was kind of weirded out by it in the beginning (and actually they started corresponding because she viewed his profile and he was curious why - she lives in another country, so he was just being friendly, not trying to start anything). After talking to him a bit, having him explain poly and our relationship specifically, she decided it is a really neat concept and something she could see fitting into her life to some degree.

She has admitted to him that even in the online world she would have stopped talking to him altogether if he hadn't been so up front about being married/involved.

I'm also confused about how that method works (waiting multiple dates, claiming to be single, etc). Are there really that many women out there who are okay with dating people who have lied about something that huge? I couldn't imagine not having enough self respect to walk away from a guy who did that to me. I would think getting to know a woman just to get to know her while letting her know about polyamory and then letting her decide if this really nice person who has been talking to her in a no pressure kind of way who happens to believe in alternative relationship structures would be someone she wants to date. Seems a lot more honest and a better way to build a sturdy foundation for a relationship.
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  #17  
Old 08-10-2012, 07:29 PM
Wolfwood Wolfwood is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I'm also confused about how that method works (waiting multiple dates, claiming to be single, etc). Are there really that many women out there who are okay with dating people who have lied about something that huge? I couldn't imagine not having enough self respect to walk away from a guy who did that to me. I would think getting to know a woman just to get to know her while letting her know about polyamory and then letting her decide if this really nice person who has been talking to her in a no pressure kind of way who happens to believe in alternative relationship structures would be someone she wants to date. Seems a lot more honest and a better way to build a sturdy foundation for a relationship.
I thought I was clear in my earlier comment, but apparently not. I don't lie, I strongly imply that I am seeing other people, and I answer questions honestly. However, I'm cautious about how much information I put on a public profile and about how much information I volunteer to a person when I first meet them. I just don't believe that people should have access to those details of my life unless their is a possibility of a more serious relationship. If I'm only going to see them a few times or they want a non-serious FB relationship, then they don't need (or probably want) to know who else I'm sleeping with.

I don't really have a problem with this method, and it also serves the purpose of easing the transition to poly for a girl who has no poly experience. If a girl wants to be a more serious part of my life, then they need to accept that I'm polyamorous and have other relationships. Unfortunately, my girlfriend has reservations about this method, as she is much more direct when dealing with guys. I'm considering changing up how I do things, but I'm trying to do some research on the realities of the situation. This is the biggest poly forum I know of so it seemed like a logical place to start.

Again, what I REALLY want to know is whether or not poly-guys are successful at starting sexual relationships with secondaries who do not have prior poly experience, when they fully disclose the nature of their primary relationship at the get-go. So the big question is: Are there any women here who were introduced to poly by a guy who (1) already had a primary relationship and (2) announced that fact at the very beginning of the relationship?

/sorry it took me so long to really narrow down my question
//poly-guys with experience are welcome to chime in

Much love,
-Wolf
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  #18  
Old 08-10-2012, 07:46 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfwood View Post
I thought I was clear in my earlier comment, but apparently not. I don't lie, I strongly imply that I am seeing other people, and I answer questions honestly. However, I'm cautious about how much information I put on a public profile and about how much information I volunteer to a person when I first meet them. I just don't believe that people should have access to those details of my life unless their is a possibility of a more serious relationship. If I'm only going to see them a few times or they want a non-serious FB relationship, then they don't need (or probably want) to know who else I'm sleeping with.
I was referring to the method that Ciel said some guy used that involved blatantly lying about being involved with others.
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  #19  
Old 08-10-2012, 08:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfwood View Post
Nyc, it's actually not a particularly easy subject to search for.
Yeah, you're right. I was thinking "dating" and another term... not sure. For some reason, I thought there had been a bunch of links to threads on this topic gathered somewhere, either by me or someone else, but now I don't see it. It is tricky to search for, but I feel like I have read at least ten different threads on the same thing. When I have a chance, I will do an extensive search and post it in Golden Nuggets.

But I just looked up some of the threads I recall responding to, and there are a few good ones that are related (some more than others) to this topic, that you might like:
Time to tell a new partner you're in a relationship?
When and how do you tell them?
Question about discloser
Dating vs. Poly

How/when to bring up an interest in poly?
First Poly Date
Telling a non-poly "date" about myself

Generally, what I have found is that solo people tend to give dating someone a little time before saying they have other lovers, and married people tend to reveal it before any dates take place.

I was in a brief relationship with a married poly guy, and I met him online. His dating profile states that he is married and has links to both his wife's profile and to Franklin Veaux's site so people could read about it - all in his first paragraph.

I am currently corresponding with a married poly guy and I met him online, too. Pretty much the same thing as the other guy - it's all upfront, except his wife doesn't have a profile, so no links.

Neither of them introduced me to poly. I was already looking for poly men. But I feel that anyone who has a spouse should state so before making a date. A primary who is not a spouse, I could wait a little bit to find out, but it should be fairly soon-ish - especially if they've got a bunch of rules and guidelines that would affect additional partners! But I tend to look for and attract poly men who have very loose, less structured arrangements with their SOs, and not many rules.

As for myself, I am unpartnered and do not have nor seek a primary. I want the parameters of my poly relationships to be a little looser and more casual than that. Plus, I do not see dates as auditions for long-term relationships. I simply see going out with someone as an opportunity to have fun and get to know somebody. I mention poly and non-monogamy in my dating profile without coming out and saying that's how I roll. I don't want to exclude or scare away "civilians" who might be interested and willing to embrace something new. If I had a spouse, I would definitely have it upfront in my online profile, but I don't feel it's necessary if I just have several casual lovers or a partner who is also solo, and not a primary. I don't subscribe to that hierarchy, btw.

If I were married, or partnered and considered that partner a primary, anyone I date would know on that first date. I am not sure I would tell someone I met in person before going out with him, but probably fairly soon on a first date. But I don't have a primary. I think it could sound a little arrogant to state to someone that I have lovers and practice polyamory too soon, as if I was assuming that this guy must want me. No, I like to see if we're hitting it off first. For people I meet in real life, sometimes "relationship talk" and the subject of non-exclusivity takes place on a first date; sometimes it happens on the third, or fifth date, or even the morning after boinking someone.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-10-2012 at 08:22 PM.
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  #20  
Old 08-10-2012, 08:13 PM
Wolfwood Wolfwood is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I was referring to the method that Ciel said some guy used that involved blatantly lying about being involved with others.
My apologies if I took your comment out of it's proper context.

Incidentally, the lie Ciel was referring to involved a guy who marked himself as single on an online dating profile. I think that is a somewhat forgivable sin. If I were married, then I would probably not mention it on an online dating site either. I wouldn't necessarily lie, but I'd leave it blank if possible (like you can do on Facebook). If I didn't have that option, then I'd probably consider putting single or just using a different dating site. I'm not really sure though, because I've never been in that situation.

@Nyc - Thank you so much! That was exactly the kind of thing I was looking for! I think you are right about the married / unmarried thing. I would probably tend to meet more people WITH my girlfriend if were in a more marriage-like scenario (living together, have kids, etc). I'd also probably be more likely to announce my marriage because a wedding ring is a dead give away (I'm not the type who would take it off to go on a date). Anyway, thanks again.

-Wolf

Last edited by Wolfwood; 08-10-2012 at 08:18 PM.
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