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  #1421  
Old 07-21-2012, 11:50 PM
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I have agreed to wait and see and not make plans to abandon my friendship with Ken. He asked me to see if it works out and I will. I don't see how it will turn out well as I have gone over (at all hours of the morning) different scenarios and possible complications in my mind and can see that all of us, depending on the scenario, stand to get hurt. Still, here we are... In it and just waiting to see. Again.

The tricky part for me will be to see how much monogamous values play into the future of our friendships. I wonder if the monogamous values my co-worker has will be challenged and what that will be like for her. I wonder how much he will be worth to her. I wonder how my poly values will be challenged and how much that will be worth it.

Right now its the beginning time for them when generally people are still feeling autonomous from new partners and are able to make statements such as "you do what you want in life" with confidence that they can separate themselves quite well because it doesn't feel foreign to do so. Given time, often people merge until it becomes impossible to be okay with watching a partner spend time with another person that they know they have a connection with. Such scenarios for Ken and I come to mind such as his coming to my burlesque shows, or going on the poly camp trip together at the end of the summer.

Sure, burlesque shows and poly camp or going to various events I host might become a thing of the past for him and that would be sad for me. Its his choice. It happens that way when new people come into any relationship dynamic. What was once a normal activity becomes a threat or isn't interesting any more. We aren't partners, we are friends and it shouldn't matter. Thing is I don't really know how to be friends with him in this way. I guess this is my learning curve. What I do just won't be as interesting. That's how it goes when someone new comes along. Not much different than any other poly dynamic. NRE abounds for him I am guessing, just as it would if we were dating.

I said to him to stay true to himself when I left him yesterday. I just hope he remembers to make choices that reflect what he thinks and feels and not for other people. We talked a bit about making decisions and choices that come from thinking about what we want, need and what feels right to us. What resonates with ourselves rather than because someone else is confident in what resonates for them. I hope he found some value in my saying what I did yesterday and doesn't take the easier route of following what me or her or anyone else thinks he should do.

Regardless of what I agreed to, I must admit I am preparing for some shit hitting the fan. Wouldn't you know it, she's now off of work for a month and comes back to work the same week that Mono's lady friend comes back to town. Stay tune this September when redpepper loses her mind!
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Last edited by redpepper; 07-23-2012 at 02:43 PM.
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  #1422  
Old 07-23-2012, 03:13 PM
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My friend wrote on her blog a post about what it means to be completely open and free from the shackles of fear and attachment. I would add to that. I would add certainty and doubt to that also. Certainty and doubt are shackles also I think.

She reminded me how, when I open myself up, I become vulnerable but that beyond that there is complete freedom. Fear and vulnerability disappear. Emotion becomes so deep its almost shattering its so loud. It feels like floating weightless on and ocean, lost at sea, but knowing the shore is close at hand and its swimable to reach it.

I am reminded by her that events unfold regardless of my clambering to control them and that everything passes. If I can reach that place of openness then I will be free from all of that and even if that floating feeling comes and goes in a moment, once reached I can obtain it again. This is what I stay awake for at night. This is what I practice over and over. I am working on finding that place of "open" so I can find it when I want to find it. So it gives me perspective and releases me from control.

To do that I let my mind wander where it will. I have given up trying to control it. Its lead to my burn out. I decided there must be a better way to deal with things that haunt me. I lay there, huddled with the blanket up to my mouth fearful of every thought that comes to mind. I suppose some people in the poly world would call it jealousy or envy, but really, its all just fear. To me jealousy and envy are what occurs in that moment of being informed of something that could be a threat. Allowing that to fester without working through it is what jealousy and envy are to me. Working on that feeling, pulling apart the emotions that tangle together in jealousy and envy is something different. To me it boils down to fear.

I allow myself to fear when I lay in bed at night and then mold it. I've discovered that I can stand outside of it and look in on it. When I can do that I can pick pieces of the scenario and let my mind go from what I know to be what is happening to what could happen. Every scenario plays itself out until there is nothing more I can think of. Its an exercise in futility to one extent because I can't predict what will happen, but I find some kind of comfort in being prepared for anything. It allows me to find that moment of openness. I eventually reach a place where I float and feel shattered emotionally. Euphoric and exhausted. A world where only I exist. Finally I sleep.
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  #1423  
Old 07-30-2012, 08:26 PM
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Did I ever mention I have the best girlfriend ever! Derby is one of a kind. She really is an inspiration to me. I have learned so much from her about how to remain grounded in my emotions and that they will pass in time regardless of how I respond to them or don't. She is a rock to me in so many ways. I am really fortunate she is in my life.

This weekend she asked me if she could take me on a secret date. I made the arrangements to have saturday afternoon off and went to her house. She got me in her car and drove for about 45 minutes to a remote spot where she turned off the high way and went along a country road. All the while we chatted excitedly about things going on in our lives and the lives of others. The windows were down, the sun was hot, the radio on. Already just the drive was thrilling me to bit.

I watched out the window until finally she turned off into a long driveway surrounded by fields of grape vines. She was taking me to a vineyard! It was beautiful! Queen Annes lace in between the rows, crickets buzzing, dry yellow grass and the promise of grapes just bursting into fruit on the vines.

At the vineyard we sat in the shade on the patio along with other patrons all glowing in the sun. It was quiet except for chatting, cutlery and glasses coming together and wait staff reading out the specials. We had a delicious meals and wine parings and then a coffee before we walked hand in hand among the vines.

At one point I turned and held her face close to mine, pulled her in closely so our hips met and gave her a long meaningful kiss. It made me weepy to be there with her. I weep now at the memory. What does this beautiful woman see in me. What is it that she feels for me that she would create such a wonderful moment. I loved her so deeply in that moment and I will remember it always. Those are the moments that I will cherish as I grow older and as time passes. I am so blessed. So incredibly blessed.
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  #1424  
Old 07-30-2012, 10:59 PM
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Where's the *love* button?

She is pretty amazing... and your description of the date was really sweet
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  #1425  
Old 08-03-2012, 06:53 AM
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Marksbabygirl has been staying at Derby's house for a bit for a visit. We all went out to Karaoke the other night. Fun times. It was really great to meet you the other day Jane.

I haven't written for what seems like ages because there is so much going on right now I haven't had a chance and can't seem to find where to start.

Ken texted me today under the week we agreed upon. I didn't mind, I thought it was kind of cute and was really pleased to hear from him. I can't believe its only been a week! It feel so much longer.

It seems that the purpose of our not spending time together might of been lost on him. The idea revolved around my staying away so that he could have a chance to talk to his new girlfriend about what her expectations are in terms of a relationship with him. I have been waiting to find out if I was right and that she would not be willing to tolerate him having another person he loves in his life.

It doesn't sound like he has asked her about her feelings and thoughts on people loving more than one, even if that love is not acted on romantically. I don't think he has talked with her about his loving more than one person wither. I don't know for sure though. We are hoping to find a time to phone each other. After that it will be two weeks before we talk again if we agree that the course of action we are on is a good idea. If he does talk to her and finds that she is okay with him loving me as well as her then this whole separateness is for nothing and we will have to figure out what to do next I guess. I am hoping I will be forgotten and that he will find he only loves her. That my even mentioning that he loves me will become a joke to him and feel like a coat that is too small, awkward. I don't know if that is possible, but maybe after the two weeks I will be a faint memory. I miss him though and that will never change for me.

Things with Brad are going swimmingly. We have enjoyed many moments of joy together this summer. I especially liked our camper van date where we looked at the moon over the ocean and drank coffee I made in the van. Candles everywhere and some lovely bonding time.

It turns out he is very similar to me in many ways and this I find amusing and puzzling. I can see more clearly how people have to deal with me would need to process how I am. He is organized, forthcoming with thoughts and questions, likes to have a plan before doing something, considers details and people involved in everything he does. Is selfless in his interactions with others yet has a need for a clear procedure in activities and in dealing with issues. I swear we could organize the Olympics in our home town easily!

The inclusivity of Brad's wife in our relationship I find to be a lovely change to what I have had in my life thus far. I am thrilled to bits that she is loving, caring, expresses her feelings and thoughts to me with a concern that makes me realize that she wants what is best for herself, but also to make sure that in advocating for herself that she doesn't leave out that Brad and I also have needs and requests of our own that might not include her. I am sure, at this point, that I can go to her about anything and it is making me think that I can relax into what is possible with them rather than feel like an outsider that is no more than a fun time every now and then.

Brad and his wife, along with their boy, are becoming close to me and I feel included in their lives. That I would be missed if I weren't there. I feel as if I am cherished and appreciated as an added addition to their family. It makes me feel safe and confident about the future. It makes me want to find ways to give to them and to nurture what we have. I find myself wanting them to help nurture what they have together and support both of them in their new poly life.

Brad is also becoming part of my life, although I don't include him in my life as much as they have included me in theirs. I think that could take some time as there is a lack of trust now due to the pain of my last break up with Leo for everyone in my family. I am not so willing to rush into anything that involves my other loves as I was before. They aren't as quick to jump in either.

In a few weeks we are going camping together Brad, his family and I. Derby may come out to visit and LB will be with me for a night with his friend. Brad's boy will be there, but other than that, Brad has his two ladies with him all to himself all cozy and working together as a team. It makes me very happy that he can have that. I know something of what it feels like to be surrounded by people who love you
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  #1426  
Old 08-05-2012, 07:26 PM
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I'm pooped out. Really. Ha! I'm going full throttle in so many areas of life. Most of which I can't talk about here. Sigh... Here goes. Will try and write a bit because it always helps.

I had a fantastic day yesterday. I went to a electronic music festival with my husband of 11 years this weekend. The night before we celebrated by going out for dinner. Later I spent the night in my own bed with Mono as a guest. He complained that I wasn't sleeping with my husband on our anniversary. Seriously, it makes no difference any more who spends time when and on what occasion, yet he clings to our old mono ways. Well, his mono ways. PN and I have never been regular in our marriage. Why start on our 11th anniversary. It was a lot to even go out for a meal! The flowers and card blew me away, lol! I'm blowing PN away tonight with a toast at dinner with my parents a card and a present. The parents love to hear we are still going strong and doing fine.

So back to the festival... PN, LB and I wandered down to meet up with Brad, his wife and boy. LB spent the whole time quietly sitting amongst the dancers and crazy costumes. He was overwhelmed I think, but I was also wondering if he has noticed that we spend a lot of time with Brad and his family.

Brad's boy is 4 and LB is 9. LB asked if he is suppose to look after him at one point. I explained he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to but I asked that he at least be polite to the boy. I wonder how much he misses Leo's kids, his friends of three years and whether he is processing the loss of them. I suspect that PN and Mono are also processing that too as they have been weary of inviting new people into our lives. So far I have left it alone and continue to explore my new relationship and the depth it could have.

Brad and his wife have invited me in and opened their hearts almost entirely it seems. Such as it goes when new to poly. Open to everything is how it rolls. I am flattered and honoured and also apprehensive myself. It seems so delicate to be so open now. So trusting. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want my loves to be hurt, I don't want to hurt them and I don't want, most of all, my boy LB to have to mourn any loss on my part. Its part of life, but its taken its toll on me this last year knowing I had something to do with causing it.

Brad's family is going through a lot of emotional turmoil at the moment in regards to other relationships going on in their lives. It reminds me of what my life was like about four or five years ago. Its tiring, makes me impatient and due to those involved, causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety. Its to do with Leo's wife.

This community is way to small sometimes for me who has been told by someone in their past that they never want to see me again. Its really impossible to NOT be in someones life in some way when you are in a community of poly people. Now I have found that my metamour is possibly interested in a woman that is also connected to this same person and I am again stressed and anxious about what might come and how to make myself scarce.

It came to a head for me last weekend when there was a swingers party put on by some friends of mine that a group of my friends were going to including my gf and her husband. I don't swing at all but it was a social gathering with some cock sucking etc. as part of the entertainment. Whatever, I know where I stand on all that and that is good enough for me. I purposely didn't go so that Leo's wife didn't want me in her life didn't have to see me. I am trying to be repsectful of her space in the community, but I find myself unable to be when it pushes my boundries. I did that for a lot of my relationship with her husband and I got resentful that night of how much I am honouring her request for me to not be in her life. I have come to the conclusion that if she has a problem she can make some choices too to not be in mine. For some reason I didn't think of that before now. I've decided to let it go and just do whatever suits me. See if that ends my anxiety.

Some input on where she is at and where Leo is at would be welcome at this point as time changes things and they might not care as much as I think they do. Although I've posted this now and part of their beef with me is that I write this blog with them in it. As if everyone knows who they are. I've been on the verge of just contacting them and finding out where they are at actually. If it weren't for the situation between them and Brad's family I likely would of by now. Part of me thinks its them that should reach out. After all it was them that said some nasty stuff to me.

Ken texted me this week a day before the agreed upon end of the week. He asked how I was and told me he missed me. He asked to call sometime but has made no attempt. I wonder if its because I explained to him again what it would take to be able to spend time together again. Again I explained that he needed to talk to his new mono gf about what she would like to have with him in terms of a relationship. If she says she is okay with him loving others but not being romanticly involved, perhaps we can resume our friendship. If she freaks on that idea then I will say "merry meet, merry part and merry meet again" and let it go until another time. I have three days of work with her coming up this week and I can feel the stress rising because of it. She's been off for a little over a week and will be off again for another chunk of time after. Having the space to breath and let time work stuff out has really helped.
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  #1427  
Old 08-06-2012, 11:49 PM
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Busy fall coming up... Starting a burlesque troupe after almost two years of performing, choir starting up again with the promise of more solo parts, the poly women's group I facilitate is starting up again after a summer off (we have our big summer party this Friday), poly pub night continues monthly, Mono's lady friend comes home and we shall see where that situation is for him, my co-worker is back from holidays, and a new relationship to make room for more than ever. so excited. And so busy.

Deciding to let go of a bunch of stuff that keeps me from being free in my mind. Its liberating and the more I practice the better I get. I care less and less about what others are doing and more and more about what I can do in life. I have made some good choices in who I spend my time with and have much to be thankful for today.
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Old 08-08-2012, 06:54 AM
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I realised tonight that its pain as much as stress and anxiety that keeps haunting me. Its hard enough to hear about what Leo is doing and then to somehow remain seperate when my metamour is struggling? Sigh... Have to be a big girl now and stay away as well as be supportive somehow.

Thing is its nothing that anyone is doing that makes it hard for me. Leo's wife is just living her life, as is my metamour. Its their common bf that is a newb and is struggling to handle the situation they are in with integrity and consideration for all. I wish he'd get some help. He's failing miserably in many ways I think and as a woman that successfully balances four relationships I can see his pit falls. He'll learn I guess and like those before him, break some hearts along the way.

I realised that I really have no hope of fully making up with Leo at this point in light of the situation I'm in... I just want some peace with it ya know? An agreement that what's done is done, its water under the bridge and past. I won't be getting that soon.

I did reach out to Leo's wifes ex however and say hi. They aren't together any more so I took it upon myself to create space to talk if he wants to. It was largely because I met him for coffee one day that my break up with Leo was created. At least I have patched that up in time for the possibility of her ex being in my life in some way. I now won't have to avoid him too.

Little by little it will work out. I hope.
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  #1429  
Old 08-08-2012, 03:28 PM
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I read back what I wrote last night to see if my midnight rambling would be helpful. I am so glad to not be new to this poly thing any more. I knew that in deciding to date a newbie I would spend some time dealing with newbie stuff. I get why seasoned poly people don't date newbies... But, I love him and his wife and I would have it no other way. Here I am and I intend to see it all through.

This morning I got a very apologetic and sweet email from Brad's wife. I can handle just about anything if I know people are aknowledging my feelings and are aware of what I am going through. I really appreciated that she understood that this whole thing might be hurtful to me and that is really all I needed to find a place in myself to be extra supportive.

I feel for her, she's been pushed to the edge by this man in her life and expected to blow off her feelings. He doesn't operate like she does and doesn't get why she is so hurt. Mind you, I don't know how much she has told him of how hurt she is.

I don't know his wife, but perhaps she is able to handle more than Brad's wife. Maybe he doesn't get that not everyone can? I admire Brad's wife's depth of feeling and concern. She hasn't been thoughtless in her pain. She has thought of how Leo's wife might feel and her bf and wishes she could walk out of her feelings. Thing is he has neglected to tell her about sexual experiences he's had with their friends, about plans he has made without her and has struggled to keep her in mind through some major decision making.

To me it looks as if he doesn't care about her as much as he says he does. His actions don't reflect that to me anyway. It looks more like he is working from a place of his own feelings on everything than that of others. It seems selfish to me, but I know I am only getting one side of the story.

If there is one thing I have learned being the gf and wife of many its that I need to weigh up every ones feelings and my own, decide on a course of action that considers everyones feelings and then wade into it very slowly, looking for pitfalls all the way. I find it better to wade in more slowly than any of my loves think is necessary because something seems to come up every time.
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:09 PM
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Well, it seems to be going okay that my co-worker is back. She doesn't appear to have any clue as to what kind of loss I feel and that's perfect for me. I feel the loss of Leo over again and of Ken. Double whammy these days but I am managing.

This past weekend I spent part of it on the island that my parents have a house on. The very one I talked about back in 2009 that they were about to build. The spend a lot of time their and invited all of us to visit this past weekend.

I made a nice dinne. My parents pulled the table out onto the deck and set it up with wine glasses and nice linen. I wanted to make a toast to PN and give him a gift for our anniversary.

When we had finished eating I pulled out a little box and a card for him. In the box was a music box that played "imagine" by John Lenon. The words fit how PN thinks and his hope for the world is expressed in those words. I raised my glass to our 11 year marriaged and shed some tears as I said to him and all those around the table that "I might share my heart with many but I married the right man."

It was a loving shared moment. We talked about our wedding day and LB asked questions. Mono sat back and looked content with the event. My parents loved hearing my heart felt toast and everyone was jolly
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