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  #21  
Old 08-09-2012, 03:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I find this whole thread confusing. Because I look at it through my filter of my own experience.

When single? I am responsible for my own safety in mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. I want to know what all is going on before I sign up for anything.

IME, I also did not invite. They invited ME. Then I laid out my wants, needs, and limits for how I roll. Before we agreed to anything, before we agreed to create a common framework. This is how to be in right relationship with me. What's your stuff you want to get on the table? Cuz that's how I roll on my end. Show me your goods.

Both the monos thought about it, said they could hack it. I asked them if they were SURE? Yup, sure. So there we went.

And like I thought, after a few months BF2 (the ldr) started having crazy jealous over BF1 being local. I tried to be supportive, nurturing and asked if this was too big a load to bear, if it would be better to break up. Since he was mono, would it be better for him to have a local Sweetie for himself?

He sighed and told me it was his problem. He signed up. YES. He was jealous BF1 had access to me in ways he did not -- could take me for a walk, share lunch. Lay eyes on me. But he wanted me in his life, so that's the reality of what it is. He just wanted me to acknowledge it was rough. I told him I knew it was rough and I appreciated all he had to go through to be present for me. It would be a LOT easier on him to have a local sweetie. He felt better.

I think you could have thought about the reality of what it is. There's a lot more resources today at your fingertips to Google than back when I was in a MFM "V" thing. The Secondary's Guide for instance.

I think your BF could articulate his limits better. Because if in HIS dating life he keeps coming up on this SAME problem? Maybe it is not the girlfriends. It's HIM -- since he is the common denominator.

Is he not laying the full gamebook in the front window clear enough so they are giving full informed consent to participate in this relationship? Does he not give them that secondary link to review since he's supposed to be the experience open marriage dude?

Is he not making clear the reality of what it is to date and be with him? Is he selling false wares? Since he stumbles across this so often -- what sort of support/nurture is he willing to offer when this stage is hit? If any? Or does he expect the GF's to lump it on their own?

GET CLEAR BEFORE YOU GO THERE.

Well, you went. Not so clear. It happens. No judgement. But now there's slack to catch up.

If you choose to stay in a relationship that is no longer feeding you, that is your choice. Some choices in life are this stinks and this stinks. So which stinks least?

So you have to weigh out if the realities of being a secondary is bringing you joy and feeding you well?

Or if the relationships is too much of a drain (stinky thing!) and the UGH of a break up (less stinky) is where you are at in your crossroads moment.

Or maybe it is something in between the two -- something that can be adjusted/compromised on to support you better through this phase. So you can get better with it?

How do you want this to end when it ends? Part as friends or what? All relationships come with a clock attached.

Since you don't sound like you talked about the reality of being the GF, have you covered THAT reality?

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-09-2012 at 03:19 AM.
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  #22  
Old 08-09-2012, 12:07 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
With Mono people, it's not about having a Primary of their own with a poly Secondary...they are Mono, remember? The Mono person will typically want only one. Hence the term MONO.

Leaving the relationship isn't usually an easy option as Mono people have feelings of love and commitment, too!

I agree that if the level of satisfaction is below where the Mono partner needs their life to be, they should leave the relationship, but it gets old hearing some poly folk provide an easy solution to the mono folk of "just find another one to supplement."

Really, ya think?
No more like relationships are not a hostage situation. If this situation is one that only happens to a mono person, just like with other relationships they had with one person - they don't HAVE to stay in a relationship that isn't serving them well. They can move on. And I didn't think this had to be a situation for only a mono person. I think poly people can, over time, end up wanting more than they thought they would want or they know is realistically possible with a married SO. I was once a mono single person. I remember what its like to love someone and have a relationship with them that wasn't a good fit and had to end.
And if the person isn't mono, its almost like thinking if there is someone else in the picture for their SO, they can't end THEIR relationship because it isn't a break up so much as a forfeit. But in the big picture it isn't. Its just deciding a relationship doesn't work for them.
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  #23  
Old 08-13-2012, 09:32 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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My SO and I are common-law but far as I'm concerned that's as close to legal marriage as you can get so I'll answer lol.

I see this as a possible issue in the future, as does my SO. But I trust that he will try his best to support a gf through those struggles, because we've (mostly me LOL) come a long way from my brush with similar flooding. It will be important for him to reassure her and on my part, it will be important for me to remind him to do so. Sometimes that happens to be the cure.
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