Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-08-2012, 05:23 PM
mimi1002 mimi1002 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7
Default Moved in with SO. Primary shift issues.

Due to some personal circumstances, I have moved in with my SO. This has caused a disruption with his GF. Before, we had been trying to not have a primary-secondary Vee but now it is becoming apparent that I am taking on a primary role over the last couple of weeks. SO and I have found that in living together we actually click very well. It has been refreshing to move beyond the "dating" aspect of our relationship. It's like we have reached another level of intimacy.

However, I have been dealing with GF's insecurities on a daily basis for awhile now and honestly I am just worn out. I feel we have bent over backwards to accommodate her. We don't exclude her from our lives. I consider her a friend and we do things together alone. The three of us spend a lot of time together. Even so I am at a loss as to how to work this out.

She believes that each of our relationships with SO should "balance" and when they don't she freaks out. Her immediate reaction is to become clingy and whiny. It's like dealing with a child. For example, if she walks into the room she immediately will drape herself on him and begin to demand that he spend more time with her. And I get that is part of her personality but it irritates the hell out of me.

With me living here she is on overdrive. I have talked to her. He has talked to her. We both talked to her together. SO cares about her very much and I know that this is hurting him and he is worried. He keeps telling me that it's not my job to fix it but I still feel the need to make it better. I feel like my head is going to explode.

Any suggestions?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-08-2012, 05:34 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 166
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi1002 View Post
He keeps telling me that it's not my job to fix it but I still feel the need to make it better. Any suggestions?
I agree with him. Her insecurities are her stuff for her to solve, but your reaction to her insecurities is your stuff. What's going on with you wearing yourself out to try to convince her to behave in a way that is more comfortable for you? How do you want her to act, and what would that way of her "being" do for you?


Moving in together is a huge change. Sometimes it takes some time for all to adjust, and sometimes it just doesn't work. I think the three of you have yet to see if living together at all is a good idea. Just because circumstances seem to say it's a good idea to move in together, does not in itself make it a good idea. Moving in together is the olympics of all relationships - and even more so with multiple partners.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-08-2012 at 05:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-08-2012, 05:47 PM
mimi1002 mimi1002 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7
Default

I see what you are saying. I guess I just want everyone to be happy. I want her to lighten up a bit so that every interaction isn't a huge therapy session. Life doesn't have to be so deep all the time. It definitely would make me want to be around her more which would make SO happy.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-08-2012, 05:59 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 166
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi1002 View Post
I see what you are saying. I guess I just want everyone to be happy. I want her to lighten up a bit so that every interaction isn't a huge therapy session. Life doesn't have to be so deep all the time. It definitely would make me want to be around her more which would make SO happy.
The best way to help someone lighten up is to lighten up yourself. The only way to truly lead is by example. Life for you does not have to be a constant therapy session. Maybe it has to be for her right now. I edited my original reply a bit to include the fact that moving in together is a huge step. Its the olympics of relationships - even more so for those with multiple partners. Maybe she needs a lot of what you call therapy right now. Tell him to help her adjust. If watching it bothers you, walk away and do something else for a while. This is a huge adjustment. Putting more energy into respecting her will lighten things up more than putting energy into judging her.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-08-2012 at 06:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-08-2012, 08:19 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default

Well... have you talked about the relationship shift? She wanted thing to be even and you two took steps that would make the relationship uneven. That's hard. I can understand her feeling scared about it. Have you talked with her about what could help her feel safer? Have you talked with her about the shift in intimacy or is she guessing at it?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-09-2012, 02:22 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,769
Default

Since she is not living with him, perhaps scheduling two days a week for him to stay with her will feel more "even" from her perspective. Let her have him on her own turf and she may not feel the need to assert herself so much on his and yours.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-09-2012, 02:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,611
Default

There goes the polymath. A major change happens.

The Her <--> him tier is now shaky
The her <--> you tier is now shaky
the her <--> (you + him) is now shaky
and the Her + you + him is now shaky.

You really cannot fix her. He cannot either. We do not control how we feel, much less how another person feels. All we can control is how we BEHAVE in response to feelings. We can REACT or ACT WITH INTENT.

She has to decide to adapt/adjust to the new situation herself IF she chooses too. And how it came about might be giving her some obstacles toward that.

Why? Because she's gotten insecure. Why did she get insecure?

Did you guys include her in this decision? Is the move temporary til you get your own feet back under you and move back out? How long will you be living together? Does she have alone days with him at her place? Has she been asked what would make her feel more in balance or safe emotionally? What does she fear this change will cause? That you two will get kooshier and she will be left behind?

In my universe? People have rights and responsibilities in relationship.

You cannot be mind readers. You'd have the right to feedback and clear communication. Ask her "Have we hurt you somehow in making this decision? Can we talk?"

She would have the responsibility to know and state her wants, needs, and limits. She would have the right to support and nurture. But she has to spit it out -- whatever it is. You can't even begin to know how to offer her support and nurture if she doesn't Spit it Out.

She's got to own that piece of the elephant. You all can sort and everyone try to own other bits in service to the greater polyship that you share.

But that ain't happening if people are not Spitting it Out. Speak your Truth. Even if at a whisper.

GG
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-09-2012, 01:05 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Did you guys include her in this decision? Is the move temporary til you get your own feet back under you and move back out? How long will you be living together? Does she have alone days with him at her place? Has she been asked what would make her feel more in balance or safe emotionally? What does she fear this change will cause? That you two will get kooshier and she will be left behind?
These are the questions that spring to mind when I read the OP too.

She may be feeling left out precisely because she was... if you had an equal V before, and that dynamic changed without her being involved in the discussion, then that may have been the trigger for what is going on now.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:53 AM.