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  #21  
Old 08-08-2012, 04:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I know your story. *hugs*

I do not judge at all -- but this is common enough a situation.

It is hard. Then it becomes a struggle not just of feeling unloved and lonely, but then struggling on ethics too because deep needs are not being met.

In my case, old BF did not want to Open to my thoughts and feelings (and that is all I asked for -- I did not ask for right to date others or for us to Open to Another. I just asked for his willingness to hear and talk to me about my inner life and try to love all of me, uncensored.) He refused. He also did NOT want to break up to set me free.

So... what the hell? I am left stuck in a relationship that does not feed me then? I try to give my 100% and actually, it is not wanted? I want to receive his 100% an actually, that won't be ever be given? I'm not a masochist. And I cannot offer support and love and nurture where I get none in return. I broke it off. What a mess.

It was actually that break up that got me to draw up my relationship boundary points crystal clear. I was so hard ass on those in subsequent dating -- and thank goodness. Because I was strict about my limits, and very honest about my wants, needs and expectations? I never had a thing like that again because the players were CLEAR on the gamebook going in from the get go. They could add their own wants, needs, limits too of course. I wanted to know theirs too. I expected to make agreements for how to best be together, if we were going to be together.

But me? And my wants, needs, and limits? And how to best be in right relationship with me? All out there in the front window. Take it and start negotiations to crank it up a notch to a romance or leave it and let's just be friends then.

I had enough Muppet Show. Play like honorable Star Wars Jedi here or don't play with me at all.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2012 at 05:11 AM.
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  #22  
Old 08-08-2012, 04:17 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Yes GG, yes it does. It's heartbreaking when you figure out that you've compromised yourself and your values in an effort to fit a box that simply is-as you put it-masochistic to fit into.
Blech!

On the other side of the coin-learning to set your standards (and keep them) for yourself as well for others, learning to take care of yourself and prioritize yourself-is such an amazing feeling.

I hope Maca gets to the point where he can fully accept me for all of me. But, in the meantime, I'm learning to establish me for all of me and that is a wonderful experience-hard work-but gratifying.
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  #23  
Old 08-08-2012, 05:55 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Life guarantees no one a love/sex/romance partner. No matter how poly you were born so how much of a way you were born is it really?
There are people who want only one partner but cannot find that right one partner.
And if one could be born poly, and that means they are unable to prevent who they fall in love with, wouldn't any restriction on how many be unrealistic? To even tell someone "oh no, you and them, and once a year that one too is ALL I'm ever going to have time and/or need of"?
It would seem to me that if being poly were intrinsic to living, you would be able to assure no one of anything if they are to be in a relationship with you.

Dunno, it feels like a perpetual weighing of pros and cons of what life affords you to me.
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  #24  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:51 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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"...wouldn't any restriction on how many be unrealistic?"

The difference, Vinccenzo, is that we choose whether to act on feelings, according to what resources we have and whether the relationship is a good idea. Well, people who stop and think about what they're doing function this way. I've heard "You can't help who you love" from poly and mono folks alike, and I've answered each time, "So help how you deal."

And it is a perpetual weighing, but isn't every relationship?
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  #25  
Old 08-08-2012, 09:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
And if one could be born poly, and that means they are unable to prevent who they fall in love with, wouldn't any restriction on how many be unrealistic?
Love might be infinite but there's only 24 hrs in a day and for my own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health -- spreading self thin is not something I want to do. Of course there's restrictions on what is realistic.

It's the polysaturation point in the polymath.

Feelings are just feelings. Even love. You can let it just blow on through. You don't choose how to feel or when to feel. You just feel it. What you CAN choose is how to behave -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENTION in response to those feelings. And anyone can choose "No!"

GG
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  #26  
Old 08-08-2012, 12:26 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Zuzzlefish (weirdly cool username, btw),
Your relationship doesn't sound like one that brings you much satisfaction, happiness, or fulfillment. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but I always say one needs to look at which direction the scale is tipped most often. Is it mostly sunshine and rainbows with a few dark clouds every now and then, with good communication and mutual efforts to resolve issues, or is it mostly thunderstorms and drama, with lots of arguments and hard work to reach a good place between you?

If, at only eight months, which isn't long at all, you two have had a recurring conflict over your ideals for relationships, I would say that does not bode well for you. You have felt attractions to other people, but attractions don't always need to be acted upon, whether one is poly, in a relationship, or not. However, you have also considered ending your relationship with her, yet you stick around because of guilt and feelings of attachment. You get confused and don't know how to create for yourself the things you need to feel fulfilled and happy. She is often negative, depressed, and perhaps doesn't manage her borderline personality disorder very well. You sound like a stand-up guy. You try not to judge and want to be understanding, but you feel emotionally and energetically drained much of the time. You hold out because you hope for more of the uplifting, refreshing, "high times" you know are possible. You sound a bit like an addict, or co-dependent to me.

My take on it is: get off that "beautiful yet ugly rollercoaster." Walk away, it is not good for you. You deserve better. But I would start reading up on co-dependency, if I were you (look for Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie), so that you are not feeling stuck like this in the future.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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