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  #21  
Old 08-07-2012, 11:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
. . . if her "Dom" can't prioritize and respect the responsibilities she has as a mother and a wife-they aren't doing their freaking job and therefore are not a functional, respectable or reasonable Dom.
Yes, but what can anyone do about it? You can't really sue him, if it was all consensual. This is my issue with D/s and these kinds of "contracts" when someone goes looking for a Dom, finds one, and in all their starry-eyed eagerness, gets into it with someone who's basically an unethical motherfucker who likes to be in control. Doms don't need to undergo any training, psychological testing, or test of their ethics, and they never seem to come under scrutiny for anything they do. Any asshole can say they are a good Dom, and newbies wouldn't really know if the Dom has any sense or respect for the whole dynamic unless or until it's too late, and then all anyone can do is a rescue mission. Very sad, and I hope it doesn't come to that for the OP. It seems that intervention is needed NOW, and I think Redpepper is onto something.
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  #22  
Old 08-08-2012, 02:58 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think a rescue mission is where this is already at.

The only thing is WHO?

Rescue himself and the kids and get out of the crossfire ASAP? Or try to rescue the wife also from being all "bdsm drunk/addicted" right now?

She doesn't sound like she's thinking right. Prob is -- does she even care? And does OP even want to try to rescue her or is he done with this relationship?

It's a sad situation. I'm so sorry CrapEndofTheStick.

But really before you can decide on ANY course of action here you have to look inward and decide how much you love your wife and if that is enough to even be bothered any more to try to rescue her. It won't be easy or pretty.

And if you don't have it in you, do the right thing and get the kids protected and your protected. Because even if you DO try to rescue her, you have to do that part first anyway. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

THEN see who else on the crashing plane you can aid if you are still willing and able.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2012 at 04:56 AM.
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  #23  
Old 08-08-2012, 04:05 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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A submissive wife playing the dominant role with you...

Hmm... the next move with the psychological rubics cube. Trying to control her with your own anger and possibly a threat of leaving her is bringing you a lot of stress. How about the very opposite? You can't control her anyway, so how about taking care of yourself and your kids and then letting her do whatever she wants without any argument or resistance from you?

Yes, there is risk with this. I think the truth is her dominant person is encouraging her to disrupt her marriage with you. Arguing back at her is making this worse, which means arguing back is serving her dominant person. So how do you try to turn this around? How about doing the very opposite of arguing back at her. Let her do what she wants. This may just reverse the momentum her dominant person has created, which may just stress THEM out long enough to break them up. No guarantees here of course, but...


sometimes when a person is falling off a cliff, they actually don't know they are falling until they hit bottom. Maybe if you get out of her way and let her hit bottom, she will realize she has fallen in the first place. I think you're reality right now is you are actually married to her dominant person through her. His influence has reached far into your life. Maybe its time to get out of the way of his punch, so the force he uses to move his fist pulls him to the ground. You hold your body in a certain way when you prepare to swing at someone. What happens when there is no one there to hit (no resistance from you), your own swing wants to pull you down.

I wonder if the dominant person looks for married women - a relationship to disrupt?
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  #24  
Old 08-08-2012, 05:56 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
You have every reason in the world to worry about your wife showing up with bruises. People do assume. Many will not ask for clarification. If they do, will she tell them it's BDSM play with someone else or let them think the worst of you?
She could very well use it to support a claim that her husband is abusing her and that's why she needs a divorce and full custody, if there's no evidence of it being from an extramarital relationship. With no police reports being filed against anyone else, and no public knowledge of your wife being in a BDSM relationship with someone else, people could only assume the marks are from you.

The relationship with the Dom needed to end as soon as he and your wife showed consistent signs of disrespecting the boundaries you and your wife had set.
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  #25  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:57 AM
CrapEndOfTheStick CrapEndOfTheStick is offline
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I want to thank every single one of you for your input and advice. I want to give an update on the situation..

Yesterday, after the kids were put to bed, I sat my wife down and told her that I needed to talk to her and I wanted her to listen to what I have to say, to please not interrupt, then when I've said what I need to say, then she can respond.. I guess she could see that it wasn't a typical sort of airing of a gripe, so she listened.. and surprisingly, without eyes rolling or furrowed brow..

I listed everything she was doing that was causing me and the kids distress, I explained how and why those things were causing problems, and I told her what I felt needed to be fixed. I explained how and why I felt she had no respect for me or my feelings and how that this guy may be her dom, but I'm her husband and I my feelings should be of a higher priority than his. I explained that leaving me with the kids every weekend is hurting them. Yes, I'm here and I'm a good daddy, but they need their mom too, and did she want them growing up with memories of a mom that seemed to prefer to be elsewhere?

Once it was all out on the table, I am happy to report that she did not fly into a hissy fit, although she did try to justify a lot of her actions. She tried to say that she works at a high-stress environment, she is burdened with a lot of responsibilities and needs her D/s activities. I told her that I have stress too, running this house, taking care of the kids and keeping things going around here isn't some cakewalk, especially with being disabled. I told her there are nights that I don't sleep because of the stress I'm under, but I don't neglect my family to relieve it. I'm not out every weekend at a bar getting drunk or whatever.. I'm a dad and I have a responsibility to be here. She nodded and looked at the floor.

We went over basically all of it.. the lack of respect was the only one that she got sort of huffy about, saying that she's an adult and her own person and I can't tell her what to do. I told her that's true, but she is also my wife and my feelings should mean something to her. If she's doing something that is hurting me, she should care enough to stop. If she doesn't care, then how can she even remotely claim to love me. Again, she nodded and looked more than a little ashamed.

I told her that I understood that she needed her time and I had no problem with that, but I can't keep going this way.

She hugged me and said she scale back on her extra-curricular activities, a lot less visits and respect my feelings on things. She also said if she ends up slipping back into the way she has been or doesn't follow through, she wants me to shut it all down by closing our marriage, and she wouldn't resist it or resent me for it because it would be because she wasn't able to do her thing without losing her head. Above all else, she apologized and told me she loved me...

At this point, I know a lot of people would be cynical and say she's full of crap, but I'm an eternal optimist and I'm going to give her a chance to make things right.. if she doesn't keep her end, I'll be moving this marriage to Monogamy City and if that doesn't work, I'll be taking the kids and visiting a lawyer... But I don't think it'll come to that.. I've been with her for over 12 years and what I saw in her face was my wifey, and not that cold selfish self-justifying narcissistic woman that I've been dealing with.

Again, I want to thank you all for your advice and input.. It gave me the courage to lay it all out to her and hopefully save my marriage.
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  #26  
Old 08-08-2012, 09:17 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Good. That was brave. *hugs*

Print this thread or at least remember we bear witness to this conversation. So YOU can remember this part you have promised YOURSELF as your HARD LIMIT. Enough with the caca!


Quote:
I'm going to give her a chance to make things right.
If she doesn't keep her end, I'll be moving this marriage to Monogamy City and if that doesn't work, I'll be taking the kids and visiting a lawyer...
GL!
GalaGirl
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  #27  
Old 08-08-2012, 11:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am so happy to read that you stated your concerns so honestly, directly, and emphatically. Because you focused on communicating your needs and concerns without letting your anger or frustration take over, you were able to express that anger and frustration without it getting in the way, and it seems that your intention to reunite and reconnect with your wife came through loud and clear for her to "get it."

It also seems that you have a good plan of action. I wish you all the best as you move forward, and I hope we get updates from you.
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  #28  
Old 08-08-2012, 01:35 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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This is truly fantastic news. It can take a lot of balls to have that sort of frank discussion, and to do it in a loving way. Sounds like you nailed it really well, and you got a great result out of it.

I'd like to pick up on just one detail of what you wrote, and see if you agree with my comment...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CrapEndOfTheStick View Post
She also said if she ends up slipping back into the way she has been or doesn't follow through, she wants me to shut it all down by closing our marriage, and she wouldn't resist it or resent me for it because it would be because she wasn't able to do her thing without losing her head.
I'd like to suggest that instead of this being YOU that shuts it down, that the two of you talk about it and come to a joint decision about it. This shouldn't be you "spoiling her fun" because no matter what she may say about not resenting you for it, human nature says that at some stage she might.

Much better is to do like you did in this discussion - lay it all on the table and let her come to her own conclusion that her outside relationships need to end, at least until you guys have the chance to structure it better. I just don't feel that you should be the bad guy, here, you know? These are her relationships and these are her choices - she need to know what it is doing to the people she loves (you and the kids) and takes actions accordingly.

Does that make sense?
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  #29  
Old 08-08-2012, 07:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Great work.
It could all fail-but the truth is-there's no way to know without trying and I think you are doing an exemplary job of showing how to put forth a strong effort and still keep appropriate boundaries in place "just in case".

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  #30  
Old 08-08-2012, 08:50 PM
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I'd take her at face value and hold her to what she says. Sounds like there is a plan and that she is understanding what she needs to do. So glad to hear that! what a relief. I hope she does what she says she will do.
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