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#31
11-19-2009, 01:56 AM
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Ok...info from other group has been posted to the Press & Media Forum. Linked out below, and followed by excerpts from the discussion there...and in particular some links and articles both for and against which may be of some interest to various people. May also be a good meaty discussion for members looking for something less...basic to discuss. If nothing else, I'd encourage everyone to read the linked articles. Quote:
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“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb -Imaginary Illusion How did I get here & Where am I going? Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 11-19-2009 at 03:46 AM. Reason: Updating for new information 
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#32
11-19-2009, 07:15 AM
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#33
11-19-2009, 11:21 AM
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“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb -Imaginary Illusion How did I get here & Where am I going?
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#34
11-21-2009, 08:10 PM
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[QUOTE=rolypoly;12299
- He must make all the first moves - He must commit to me early on - I would even say, he had better commit to me (I hear my aunt saying this) - He better not look at other women - It is his job to meet my needs - He must desire me physically and sexually, love me with integrity, sacrifice for me, etc. [/QUOTE] So you are saying these are things that you feel have been stressed to you by your family/upbringing? That monogamy means that a man bends over backward for the woman he intends to marry? Wow. My idea of monogamy is very different. I think my upbringing never really touched on what relationships were, healthy or otherwise. I could get into it more in depth, but it would take a while to explain the conflicting values my family exhibited. So I will just say that I sort of had to make up my own concept of what monogamy means....a concept which is, at this time, being totally disassembled (having been introduced to poly over a year ago). I had these very sort of stringent assumptions and expectations about monogamy but I never really examined them in depth until recently. I think what monogamy is to me is the expectation that your partner is the only person who holds The Special Place. The term Significant Other illustrates that. My children, my mom, my friends, etc are all significant. But no one gets that title except my monogamous partner, right? This partner has certain responsibilities and rights within the relationship: exclusive sexuality, emotional intimacy, life-sharing, and I believe most are responsible for giving their partner support (emotional, physical....and day to day things like fetching medicine when the partner is sick or sharing finances). They are also the person you check in with on a daily basis about pretty much everything. What I am seeing in some poly relationship descriptions are these exact same things. But I think it is called Polyfidelity - which is confusing to me....I thought a major point of poly was to give your partner(s) the freedom to explore any/all relationships? But some people have these 'closed' poly groups.....which I don't understand. Is it possible some poly's are monogamous poly's? (Or am I opening a GIGANTIC can of worms on that?) I am going to read the rest of the replies to this post and may post more.......
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#35
11-21-2009, 08:20 PM
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 This makes a lot of sense to me and puts it in a way that is very simple. I think a lot of discussions and arguments I have had with people (mono and poly) are all about these two items listed above. In a nutshell. Good work!
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#36
11-21-2009, 08:24 PM
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There are no "points" to how you have relationships...that almost makes it sound like a club with rules you have to follow or you are out LOL! (traditional monogamous relationships have a lot of these) Yes I do see this attitude in my poly community. There are some that think if you aren't open to new loves you aren't poly. That's fine for them. I would find a great deal of weakness in someone who felt they had to leave themselves open only to fit in or meet the "club" requirements. I find a weakness towards anything like that really..cheerleaders, jocks, bikers, anyone. I would also find this a weakness in someone forcing themselves to act mono just to blend with society for any reasons less than survival and health of family. I hope this helps Peace and love Mono
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 Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules. Monogamy might just be in my genes  Poly Events All Over Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-21-2009 at 09:22 PM.
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#37
11-21-2009, 08:46 PM
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#38
11-23-2009, 03:09 AM
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Like Mono-GG CHOOSES to identify himself as my secondary in some of his actions and when discussing the situation (he doesn't use these words ever) with certain people who are "in the know". But for ME-they are both quite definitely my primaries. They have equal responsibility to me (in my eyes) and to our family. They both support the household with their incomes, they both participate in planning and organizing finances, care of the children, upkeep of our home etc. So I can more easily identify with the "love growing in one relationship does not take from the love in another relationship." wording.
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"Love As Thou Wilt"
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#39
12-07-2009, 03:47 AM
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Poly: 1. Love is self-perpetuating in all its forms (romantic, platonic, agape, &c.). The more you love, the more love you have. 2. Mono: 1. Love is self-perpetuating in all forms excepting romantic love. In regards to romantic love, the more individuals you love, the less you love each one. True, pure and legitimate romantic love is reserved for one person, all others are forsaken and forsworn. 2. Other rules or guidelines like honesty, communication, and trust are not specific to one or the other, but I think an important thing to recognize is that these are two very different paradigms: sets of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitute a way of viewing reality for the communities that share them. There are all sorts of beliefs that people hold, but these vary from individual to individual. Things like: "if a man cheats, it's because his lover wasn't any good." or "Bros before hos". They can be sexist, racist or in our situations, prejudices about lovestyles. I admit I am one of those that sees monogamy as a less enlightened way of living when used as a moral compass. I respect our MonoVCHP's way of living and also my lover, Bee's declaration that she "doesn't really want to sleep with anyone else because things get confusing." That's fine if you don't have the desire or the time or whatever it is. I guess part of my high horse when it comes to poly vs. mono is that I get defensive. I've had people respond the same way jools described but I wasn't as savvy to answer so appropriately. I end up defending my way, and they defend theirs... sigh.
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Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.
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#40
12-07-2009, 06:21 PM
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I suspect we couldn't get an accurate poll here on a "poly" area as to whether many people (mono) hold this belief to be true or not. I have absolutely nothing to contribute on that topic as it's not a theory I've ever heard debated in a group of (labeled) mono people. But gut instinct says.......... I suspect folks choosing to live a mono lovestyle probably don't question the "possibility" of romantic love flowering (it's existence) but simply forbid any EXPRESSION of that love. In other words - it's a "concept" vs "reality" issue. I suspect it's the expression, the actions, associated with spreading love that constitutes the threat or breaking of vows. Whether "mono" minded people (as any large percentage) believe "love" to be a finite thing, somehow just doesn't compute with me. But I'd love to hear (or see) a good discussion of this somewhere among a group of mono minded folk.
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