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Old 08-07-2012, 09:54 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485
Default Poly and dating in the digital age

This thread by starrynite101 about dating and particularly this quote about restlessness and waiting for texts

Originally Posted by starrynite101 View Post
It's killing me not to text non stop and he's answering, but very slowly and without his usual flirty flirty air, probably because he has a life. I started reviewing everything in my mind. "Did I screw up somehow?" "Was I weird or odd or needy or something".. No. "Are you seriously on pins and needles because it's the first day you two can really canoodle and he's got a life and is busy or whatever and not texting you 24/7 at work?" maybe.
Ugh.. I hate dating. How did I forget that? I don't like this weird crap my head is doing and it makes me feel pathetic. I want him to be texting me like mad, eager and reassuring me with his flirty interest (which admittedly he'll probably do later). I hate this insecure "does he like me, really like me" bit.
made me think. It's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately: the influence of phones, email, social media etc on my dating life.. and especially, the negative aspects of it.

Ok, so I'm old... when I was dating in my twenties, you met someone, you liked each other, then after a date you would maybe call (the home phone!) get an answering machine, leave a message, and then you would leave the house and go about your business and not until you got home at night, would you know if your love interest had returned your call. How peaceful that was! You could bask a little in the afterglow of a nice date. You cold muse a little and wonder how the other person experienced it.
(and yes I do remember some days when I did not want to leave the house for fear of missing that long awaited call - but more often than not, you just lived your life until the next possibility for checking in)

There was NO frantic checking of email or texts during all times of the day and night. Hence, there was a lot less restlessness when there was no immediate reply to a phone call.

For people like me, who have anxiety issues, insecurity and jealousy issues, etc, I sometimes think that these numerous possibillities for connecting are more a curse than a blessing. Don't get me wrong.. I love texting my BF good night. I love the detailed email exchange between me and my lovers. I love sending my husband nothing but a litle smilie to let him know I'm thinking about him when he's having a hard day at work.
But still..

I sometimes feel the constant communication prevents me from just living my life, my own life. Yesterday I was anxious because I had sent my BF a poem for his birthday and he did not reply immediately. As I was standing in line at the supermarket, checking my phone to see if h had replied, all of a sudden it hit me: how many minutes, hours have I lost these past couple of years when I was actively poly-dating... because instead of living in the moment, I was WAITING for something?

recently I've been experimenting with switching of my phone and closing the email program om my computer for a couple of hours each day. Not until I did this, did I realize how completely addicted I am to being in constant contact with everything and everybody. I know it's a subject much talked about in many circles, but I was just curious about other people's thoughts with regard to poly dating. How do you deal with the inevitable restlessness this brings? or are you someone who only sees the joys and benefits from lots of digital communication, especially when dealing with multiple partners?
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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anxiety, communication, texting

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