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  #31  
Old 07-17-2012, 12:08 PM
mercury mercury is offline
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I have a friend whose mom is white and her dad was black, she IDs as black. Is she "less black" because only one parent was black? I guarantee she would punch you if you tried to tell her, "Yes." She has had to struggle with racial stereotyping, employment prejudice, asshole-ishness of kids in a hicktown just like any other black person would - the fact that she is "only" half black doesn't change that. Same goes for poly, orientation, etc. As long as part of you identifies with a particular group, whose place is it to judge you for being "less" than anyone else?
And my answer to that is...if I have a standard for what constitutes "such and such" then that's my standard. If, by my standard's, a person is not as such-and-such as another person, then I can assess that they are not as such-and-such as another person. Doesn't mean I'm saying everyone else has to feel the same, but I am allowed to speak in terms of my standards. Everyone is.

We can have this argument all day; you're not gonna convince me that I can't feel the way I do. I do believe some poly couples are more poly than others. Some are just calling themselves poly but are closer to being mono-minded with permissiveness.
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  #32  
Old 07-17-2012, 02:12 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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So it would seem that men do get to a point where they can let their wife or long-term girlfriend have a boyfriend and not just a girlfriend.

So generally how long does it take men to get to this point? And what usually allows them to shift over?

Well I am NOT bisexual, so having a relationship with a woman would not be for me.

Despite being mono my husband is the one who figured out I was poly. From my past and my feelings. He is the one who pushed me to find my happiness.

Don't get me wrong it is hard for him especially the deeper my bf fall for each other. But he does his damnedest to deal with his jealousy. Luckily there are some good resources out on the net with some great advice.
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  #33  
Old 07-17-2012, 03:35 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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[QUOTE=mercury;143820We can have this argument all day; you're not gonna convince me that I can't feel the way I do. I do believe some poly couples are more poly than others. Some are just calling themselves poly but are closer to being mono-minded with permissiveness.[/QUOTE]
Mercury, it's one thing to have an opinion - you are right - as they say, "opinions are like assholes - everyone has one". We each judge things based on our own set of morals, ethics and paradigms. I don't think that anyone is going to deny you that.

The problem often in cases like this is that statements about personal opinions on things are phrased to make them seem like global statements. You mean it as your opinion based on your own values, but they sound like some sort of global valuation.

The difference between "In my opinion, based on my feelings, this person is less poly than the other" and "This person is less poly than the other" is absolutely one of scope - the qualifications in the first make it legitimate and not up for debate, The second one often causes debates exactly like this one. I have learned that when it comes to the written word, especially on the internet, it's good to make sure that some of the usually assumed caveats are explicitly added.

the usual path of this discussion that I have seen before, is that the person says "well, of COURSE it's my opinion, everyone should know that" - which of course, is making yet another global statement...
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  #34  
Old 07-22-2012, 07:47 PM
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It's kinda messed up that men can't make more of an effort to deal...
The core of the conversation is about the possessive nature of people in romantic relationships - I assure you that this issue of possessiveness is pervasive in men as well as women.

It is entirely possible that a person who has previously been monogamous can adopt another mindset regarding relationship pairing if they are exposed to this new ideology. Each individual is more likely to lean toward one pairing ideology over another; this is generally due to a combination of their genetic make-up combined with their environmental stimulus (this is true with any aspect of world view/personality).
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  #35  
Old 07-22-2012, 08:10 PM
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We can have this argument all day; you're not gonna convince me that I can't feel the way I do. I do believe some poly couples are more poly than others. Some are just calling themselves poly but are closer to being mono-minded with permissiveness.
Word.

Assuming that the definition of polyamorous is agreed upon it seems reasonable to presume that there is a scale between monogamous and polyamorous. Clearly there is a distinction between one end of the scale to the other, right? I've seen you make numerous clarifications of this claim in previous posts (notably none of them have been quoted in rebukes) so it seems pretty clear to me that you are clear on your opinion and are entitled to it.

It don't see what the big deal is.
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  #36  
Old 08-06-2012, 09:25 PM
mercury mercury is offline
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Word.

Assuming that the definition of polyamorous is agreed upon it seems reasonable to presume that there is a scale between monogamous and polyamorous. Clearly there is a distinction between one end of the scale to the other, right? I've seen you make numerous clarifications of this claim in previous posts (notably none of them have been quoted in rebukes) so it seems pretty clear to me that you are clear on your opinion and are entitled to it.

It don't see what the big deal is.
Lol - yeah. i think the problem in the conversation is that people think that being "poly" is a compliment. Not saying it isn't a good thing, but I'm not saying "poly" as if it's a compliment. If one couple is more poly than another, that doesn't mean that couple is better. It just means they're more poly.

Some couples are more poly than others because they choose to be; it's their goal. Some prefer to stay mono-minded with permissiveness and they have no desire to be more poly than that.

It's neither a compliment nor an insult to be poly.

But people here think it is, so if you suggest they're not as poly as others, they get mad! Not necessary to get angry or insulted...
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  #37  
Old 08-06-2012, 09:45 PM
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There's a big difference between "more" poly and "better" poly. What folks most often take issue with is the implication that one person's poly is somehow inherently "better" than another person's way of doing it.

I even struggle with the "more", simply because if polyamory is the desire and ability to love more than one person, then how do you define "more" or "less" - by the number of people you can simultaneously love at once? By how many penes are in the current configuration? By some arbitrary valuation of the boundaries that have been set in a relationship in order to make everyone happy?

In the same way that I won't be running detailed comparisons of my various relationships to come up with a score on which is better, or which one I must love the most, I'm not going to come up with a score to determine who is "more poly" than me and who is "less".
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