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  #11  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:24 PM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.
I guess thats right, and it does work very well for us.
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  #12  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:30 PM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
YAY! It's is wonderful! Horrible! Wonderful! Wheeeee! Thanks for sharing that peek into your world. Made my morning.
Ha ha, your welcome.
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  #13  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:39 PM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I love both of them with equall depth. I would not be able to choose one or the ohter if I had the whole "hanging from a cliff who do you pull up" example.
I guess I look at things from a mono perspective. I find it impossible to imagine loving anyone other than my girl.
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  #14  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:44 PM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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Originally Posted by Brid75 View Post
It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.
I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?
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  #15  
Old 08-06-2012, 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Nathan View Post
I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?
I'm so interested in this thread.

After an extended period of abstinence in their relationship, my bf and live-in OSO have recently regained the sexual part of their relationship. It was a struggle for me at first, to be honest, as I entered into this with him as my being his only sexual partner. I worried about what my role was now with the change in dynamics. I always knew and appreciated that he loved his OSO, no question, but that part of their relationship had ended several years prior. Through alot of hard work, we have worked through it (and still are!)and if anything, his and my life have improved as well; he's happier at home, and he works hard to show me how much he still needs and desires me. Win, win.

But I'm Mono. And I recently had an opportunity to have some adult fun on a vacation. My bf tells me that he would feel like a hypocrite now to ask me NOT to be with another man, so if I wanted to , I should have just done it, just not tell him about it, because he couldn't handle it. Hmmm. That's not who I am, nor how I work, and he knows that. So the gesture is invalid. And I asked him "Would you really be okay with another man touching me, loving me, in my bed, kissing me?" And he shook his head and looked like he was in physical pain.

So...I'm keenly interested. Why is he to assume that I should be okay with him being with another partner... yet he obviously doesn't feel comfortable with that for me?
- Is it because it's his OSO, even though they hadn't shared that in many years, to me she's a new partner, should I have forced compersion?
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.
- Or is it a gender thing? As a working generalization, women tend to have emotional jealousy. Men tend to have physical jealousy. Yet I, as a female, tend to have more sexual than emotional jealousy. (or perhaps it's really envy!)

I'll be interested to hear the perspectives.

GalaGirl -I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this and definitely a man's perspective.
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  #16  
Old 08-06-2012, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.
In my relationship, this is exactly why my partner would have issues with me meeting someone. He knows that I've never so much as "crushed on" more than one person at a time (unattainable celebrities excepted ). If I were to "meet someone" it could very well become a problem in our relationship, due to my nature.

Of course, he's also said that if I really wanted to explore something, we'd talk about it... which is extremely sweet, knowing where he's coming from.

Of course, I'm straying off-topic... I share my partner half-time-ish with his OSO, and he travels back and forth between homes. Physically, I welcome the break! LOL!
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  #17  
Old 08-06-2012, 09:52 PM
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
In my relationship, this is exactly why my partner would have issues with me meeting someone. He knows that I've never so much as "crushed on" more than one person at a time (unattainable celebrities excepted ). If I were to "meet someone" it could very well become a problem in our relationship, due to my nature.

Of course, he's also said that if I really wanted to explore something, we'd talk about it... which is extremely sweet, knowing where he's coming from.

Of course, I'm straying off-topic... I share my partner half-time-ish with his OSO, and he travels back and forth between homes. Physically, I welcome the break! LOL!
YouAreHere, thanks for sharing. We have those same talks. The honesty and openness is quite sweet, isn't it?

Lucky you, sharing half time!!! Physically, I'd love the challenge.

Sorry for the hijack Nathan!!!
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  #18  
Old 08-07-2012, 12:11 AM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
So...I'm keenly interested. Why is he to assume that I should be okay with him being with another partner... yet he obviously doesn't feel comfortable with that for me?
- Is it because it's his OSO, even though they hadn't shared that in many years, to me she's a new partner, should I have forced compersion?
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.
- Or is it a gender thing? As a working generalization, women tend to have emotional jealousy. Men tend to have physical jealousy. Yet I, as a female, tend to have more sexual than emotional jealousy. (or perhaps it's really envy!)

My girl would not want me to be with another woman, sex would be one thing, but if I loved another like I love her, she has said that she could not cope with that. She thinks this is unfair, and makes her feel like a hypocrite. She is asking me to accept something that would upset her so much if the roles were reversed. I dont mind, I have no intention of being with another woman in anyway. I love her so much and can't ever imagine being in love with someone else, so I like the fact that she does not want to share me.

I dont mind her having sex with another man, as long as she loves him. I'm not jealous of what they have, even the fact that he gets her off more than me. She was with him before me, and that helps, I knew what I was getting into from the get go, and yes, I admit, the fact that it turns me on also helps. Also, we have our own thing, and we both think that it is special.

Unlike you, I would more likely be emotionally jealous, but I'm not, and that's because I know how much love my girl and I share, and I know that the two of us and our small family come first, for both of us.
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  #19  
Old 08-07-2012, 02:51 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.
I think this is the crux of it. What works for the people experiencing the dynamic? Doesn't matter if you are the only folks on the planet doing it that way (which you are NOT!) - if it works for you then ... GREAT!

Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner. But there are so many more parameters than that. MrS and I have a 20 year history of experience together. Dude and I enjoy thrashing out intellectual shit that MrS and I already agree on. etc. etc. etc.

Letting each relationship be what it is and not trying to force some artificial "equality" into the equation is a key component to our happiness (and my sanity!)

Live. Love. Enjoy!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 08-07-2012 at 02:53 AM. Reason: a "?"
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  #20  
Old 08-07-2012, 03:11 AM
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post

Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner. But there are so many more parameters than that. MrS and I have a 20 year history of experience together. Dude and I enjoy thrashing out intellectual shit that MrS and I already agree on. etc. etc. etc.

Letting each relationship be what it is and not trying to force some artificial "equality" into the equation is a key component to our happiness (and my sanity!)

Live. Love. Enjoy!

JaneQ
Jane, I love how you think. It's the basis of Poly.. you can't be everything to someone.

I think that's the challenge. Figure out what it is you offer that's special to the relationship.

I'm in a bit of a conundrum with that in my relationship right now. Rules of engagement have changed. I no longer am as secure in the place I hold in his life. Yet he insists nothing has changed for him with regards to me. I believe him. He's done a great job of assuring me of that.

So I appreciate how you explain it. Thank you!
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