Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-05-2012, 09:52 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 582
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
B and i have made the decision to not include A yet on the discussions, until we know where we are going with this...
Which probably isn't going to go over so well with A when he finds out, and will only make the situation worse.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-05-2012, 10:16 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Okay, I misread that and thought B was saying that both of you must be happy, rather than he needs both of you in his life.

Yes he is saying that he needs both of us to be happy.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-05-2012, 10:17 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Which probably isn't going to go over so well with A when he finds out, and will only make the situation worse.
A knows that we are not including him, we are very upfront. B and i decided that we needed to think though this and talk though this and see if we can accomplish this. If we are unable to, why should we drag A into something and cause his more pain.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-05-2012, 10:49 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 166
Default

nightrush,

I've been reading this thread, and I want to clear up something. I would make the assumption that everyone wants to talk, but I would make no assumption at all about what kind of relationship configuration the three of you have when you find what works. If you're going to aim for a specific outcome, aim for everyone having a chance to speak their truth and to hear what the others have to say. Let things go where they need to from there. Go with the waves, instead of trying to tell the waves where to go. You're looking for harmony, not a specific configuration.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-05-2012, 11:16 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
nightrush,

I've been reading this thread, and I want to clear up something. I would make the assumption that everyone wants to talk, but I would make no assumption at all about what kind of relationship configuration the three of you have when you find what works. If you're going to aim for a specific outcome, aim for everyone having a chance to speak their truth and to hear what the others have to say. Let things go where they need to from there. Go with the waves, instead of trying to tell the waves where to go. You're looking for harmony, not a specific configuration.

I agree that everyone has to speak what they feel inside and your example is a great one
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-05-2012, 11:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,224
Default

Whoa. My head hurts just reading that.

If I understand right. A, B, and C (you) were a 9 mos triad.

Now since A and you come to find that you are not romantically compatible, but better off dialing it down to friends, you are left wondering how to cope.

Because B is the hinge then. Still with you and A.

Then this is made complicated because A & B live together? Where do YOU live?
The break up is only a week old.

I think everyone could spent a little while just chilling out.

While thinking about how to mourn the ending of the previous configuration with OTHER people -- family, friends, etc. Give the triad people some space to clear the air, let the emotional storm blow on through.

Also gives you a change to sort out your wants, needs, limits for the first 3 mos. (One page, bullet list, each person.)

You seen to WANT

That the V end up cozy like sharing not just a house but a bed? (That's kind of unrealistic to me at this stage of the game)

To be let off the hook for "leaving" under previous agreement. (I would "leave" if only in spirit to end previous contract. Rest a bit, and then try to draw up new contract. I don't know if you can take a vacation, or dial contact down to phone/lunch visits but no sleepovers -- just to create a sense of closure for the previous configuration before trying to move on to the next.


B WANTS:

Both A and C happy.

A WANTS

Willing to entertain hearing what B needs to be happy to see if he could be on board? (Or is be being cling-on and just going with something he does NOT want so as not to lose B? Be honest here.)


So far I'm hearing WANTS.

I am not seeing anyone listing NEEDS for HOW to accomplish the goal.

Like
  • I need this to move super slow.
  • I need a time apart to bring closure to the previous
  • I need to not be living together while we try on this V so I don't have to look at NRE gushies
  • I need to eventually (A? B? C?) date other people?
  • What are the actual NEEDS of the people here?

I'm also not hearing anyone expressing LIMITS. Soft limits that can be negotiated in time, or hard limits.
  • I have a soft limit -- I cannot live together right now. Too weird. I could negotiate that again later down in time. (??)
  • A is not good at communication and owning his own bag? That would be a limit to the success of the enterprise. How will this be addressed? How will he do the work with the support and nurture of the rest? Because everyone has to own a piece of THAT elephant in some way.

I don't know what kind of new framework you will come to but do think about how to want to agree to be together -- rights and responsibilities to hold up so you can be in right relationship with each other. Those are mine.


I'm sorry to hear you had a break up. But I hope you can navigate it smoothly to where you all need to be at next.

GL!

hugs
GalaGirl
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-05-2012, 11:59 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Whoa. My head hurts just reading that.

If I understand right. A, B, and C (you) were a 9 mos triad.

Now since A and you come to find that you are not romantically compatible, but better off dialing it down to friends, you are left wondering how to cope.

Because B is the hinge then. Still with you and A.

Then this is made complicated because A & B live together? Where do YOU live?
The break up is only a week old.

I think everyone could spent a little while just chilling out.

While thinking about how to mourn the ending of the previous configuration with OTHER people -- family, friends, etc. Give the triad people some space to clear the air, let the emotional storm blow on through.

Also gives you a change to sort out your wants, needs, limits for the first 3 mos. (One page, bullet list, each person.)

You seen to WANT

That the V end up cozy like sharing not just a house but a bed? (That's kind of unrealistic to me at this stage of the game)

To be let off the hook for "leaving" under previous agreement. (I would "leave" if only in spirit to end previous contract. Rest a bit, and then try to draw up new contract. I don't know if you can take a vacation, or dial contact down to phone/lunch visits but no sleepovers -- just to create a sense of closure for the previous configuration before trying to move on to the next.


B WANTS:

Both A and C happy.

A WANTS

Willing to entertain hearing what B needs to be happy to see if he could be on board? (Or is be being cling-on and just going with something he does NOT want so as not to lose B? Be honest here.)


So far I'm hearing WANTS.

I am not seeing anyone listing NEEDS for HOW to accomplish the goal.

Like
  • I need this to move super slow.
  • I need a time apart to bring closure to the previous
  • I need to not be living together while we try on this V so I don't have to look at NRE gushies
  • I need to eventually (A? B? C?) date other people?
  • What are the actual NEEDS of the people here?

I'm also not hearing anyone expressing LIMITS. Soft limits that can be negotiated in time, or hard limits.
  • I have a soft limit -- I cannot live together right now. Too weird. I could negotiate that again later down in time. (??)
  • A is not good at communication and owning his own bag? That would be a limit to the success of the enterprise. How will this be addressed? How will he do the work with the support and nurture of the rest? Because everyone has to own a piece of THAT elephant in some way.

I don't know what kind of new framework you will come to but do think about how to want to agree to be together -- rights and responsibilities to hold up so you can be in right relationship with each other. Those are mine.


I'm sorry to hear you had a break up. But I hope you can navigate it smoothly to where you all need to be at next.

GL!

hugs
GalaGirl
Gala,

My head hurts at time when i think about this and i think that each persons relationship is different. I think i have an advantage is that i am a Hr professional and i have learned how to separate emotion from logic, as that is what i have to do every day. This allows me to see what happened and not get my personal emotions all tied up into it.

I do like your list and i think i may submit that to both of them and see what they come back with.

A little more history, Partner a and b were "open" and that is where i came in. Partner A would be devastated every time partner b went out and played and partner b was ok with going on the next 30 years not having partner a not filling his needs and being in an open relationship.

I guess i serve a great purpose, that is to help their relationship, i learned what unconditional love was though them. Sadly, all of my other relationships were more like business. Older partner got a cute younger guy and i got taken care of. Now that i am past that stage in my life, the man that introduced me to unconditional love, i do not want to loose, that is why i need him. Partner B (the one that introduced me to unconditional love) says he needs both of us, and he has never felt this way about 2 people....

Again headache yes.

So i live about 30 minutes away from them and i am trying to give those that need the space, space and those that need attention, attention...

Its funny... i never thought this would be this much work, however, the payoff of happiness is worth it all.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-06-2012, 12:22 AM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

I don't think you have addressed what for me is a key part of this yet (and if you have, then please point me at it, because I am missing it).

When the three of you got together you made a commitment that, should anything go wrong, you would leave. Since that point, there has been no discussion among all three of you (since the promise was made with you all) about changing that. What it sounds like is that you and B have decided together that it's not going to be that way, but A never agreed to that.

Have I got that right?
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-06-2012, 12:50 AM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I don't think you have addressed what for me is a key part of this yet (and if you have, then please point me at it, because I am missing it).

When the three of you got together you made a commitment that, should anything go wrong, you would leave. Since that point, there has been no discussion among all three of you (since the promise was made with you all) about changing that. What it sounds like is that you and B have decided together that it's not going to be that way, but A never agreed to that.

Have I got that right?
No decisions have been made yet. However, seeing as i am giving up my home, i made it a requirement now that i will not be second.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-06-2012, 01:28 AM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
No decisions have been made yet. However, seeing as i am giving up my home, i made it a requirement now that i will not be second.
So you have unilaterally decided to renege on your commitment, because it doesn't suit you any more.

If I were A, I wouldn't be very happy about the fact that you didn't hold up to this commitment.

Did they agree to this new requirement at all?
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:56 PM.