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  #11  
Old 08-04-2012, 01:24 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by persephone View Post
Thanks, Anneintherain. I haven't seen anyone else discuss a comparable situation in a forum, ever, where a partner wanted multiple sexual relationships despite a low libido. It's reassuring that I'm not alone.
I'm not really sure what the norm for 'low libido' is, but I'm pretty sure that mine is not very high, and I currently have 3 partners.
My lack of desire has been an issue in my relationship with my husband for a long time, and has left him very frustrated at times. We hit a really low point about 10 years ago when I think we maybe had sex once a month.
When we started opening up the relationship, initially with swinging, for a brief time my libido became much higher. It started to fade again after a year and while its higher now than 3 years ago, I suppose its still not very high.
I can happily go 2 weeks without sex, I might masturbate during this time but that is often more a relaxation technique than the result of feeling horny.

So why am I seeking out other, sexual relationships? Well to me there are, like GG said, so many stops on the sexual spectrum. I LOVE kissing and making out. Sometimes it makes me want to have sex, sometimes not. And sometimes I will have sex when I am not really in the mood. I still enjoy it, but I could have gone without it, if you know what I mean . Of course this is easier for a woman than a man. I love spending time with my guys, I love feeling physical, being naked together and comfortable, taking showers, sharing the intimacy that you get with someone you trust enough to get naked with. Even when it doesn't always lead to hot & heavy sex.

I love feeling attraction, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. But the physical attraction can sometimes just mean a lot of hugging, kissing, cuddling, sleeping together. So far, none of my partners is complaining about not getting enough sexual attention, even though there is decidedly NOT a lot of straightforward intercourse going on.

Since I have 2 other relationships I actually find that the sex life between me and my husband has improved. We talk about our needs more, and sometimes I make more of an effort to get in the mood.
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  #12  
Old 08-04-2012, 02:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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So here's what I am hearing. Or think I am hearing. Correct me if I am wrong.

Persephone FEELINGS:
  • Resentful of effort made for time spent with C
  • Resentful of effort made for time spent with R
  • Where is effort made for time spent with Persephone?

Persephone WANTS:
  • More time with her DH in the mornings for sexy time. (Does not have to be full on penetrative intercourse. Would be ok with outercourse.)
  • More quality time in general? Does not have to be sexy time. Just bondy time?


Persephone NEEDS:
  • To have discussion with DH
  • To arrive a potential happy medium solution to try on for the next (?) months
  • Have DH to commit to following through on that.
  • Some kind of connection with DH before a date and aftercare/rebond when he is back from dates. Lack of this underscores "lack of effort made to spend quality time" with perseophone problem.

Persephone LIMITS
  • Does not like evening sexy times that leave her frustrated (why? Do you feel like it's a lick and a promise chore thing at this time of day with him and not his full presence?)
  • Do not add this R person seriously until you are back in right relationship with me. I have needs going unmet. I do not want you spread even thinner.

DH LIMITS
  • His health.
    • weekly testosterone injections (help but do not solve)
    • performance anxiety since he had dysfunction for five years
  • Other?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
  • Unwillingness to seek pro care (5 yrs on dysfunction! WTF? He is responsible for his own equipment. Why this shirky?)
  • Sex Therapist -- was good experience? Perhaps go back?
  • Explore new sexual experiences? Adult sex ed classes? (To solve bondy time thing with persephone while expanding their sexual spectrum ideas?)

I'm sure there is more to fill in, but perhaps that helps you start boiling it down? Anyway, I offer it in the spirit of hoping you get to your happy medium solution one way or another. Hang in there!

HTH!
GG
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  #13  
Old 08-04-2012, 05:43 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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It sounds like perhaps things had been much more frequent sexually, and then his being intimate with somebody else came at the end of a "dry spell" for you two, so it seems scarier and like a portent of things to come? I'm going to include a lot of details about my own relationship with my husband here because as you said, not a lot of people here post much about libido differences between them and their male partners.

When we decided to open our relationship again, we'd had many sexless 2 week stretches, even a month once, and I was terrified that him having another sexual partner would mean that would be the standard. I really struggle with not having sex at least once a week, sex is the only big issue in our relationship but it is also one of the most important things to me in a marriage. After going to a counselor for this issue and it not improving, we spent a couple more years struggling with our different desires. At that point, it was time to open the relationship or talk about separating. Things have evened out at about once a week, with me doing 95% of the initiating. I haven't had to face whether his having another sexual partner would affect our sex life - both of his relationships that got to the point where he'd finally decided to have sex with them, ended before it happened.

Perhaps you could step back and take a longer look instead of being in the immediate "this feels crappy" place. Decide to watch how it plays out over 4 or 6 months. Discuss and have a fallback plan for what you each want to do if it turns out him having a sex partner is a permanent negative for your own sex life. My husband said if he starts having sex with somebody INSTEAD of me as opposed to AS WELL as me, it wont be a positive for our marriage and it means he isn't in a healthy place to have other sexual partners.

Do you think it feels different for you in these two scenarios?
1. He didn't have sex with you for 2.5 weeks then had sex with her
2. He had sex with her then didn't have sex with you for 2.5 weeks

For me those two difference scenarios bring up different feelings, each gives me new things to look at about my own self esteem to work on. Is it possible he had to work up courage to have sex with somebody new, and was that distracting him and making him nervous so your sex life took a beating?

We saw the sex counselor, about 5 years ago and I think it made things worse (mainly because I started going with him and I saw her give him advice and him not follow it, which was really frustrating). As things are pretty much in the same place, he has just started going to another counselor (we are lucky enough to have a highly recommended local poly friendly counselor). She is going to be tackling his issues from where they should've probably been tackled from in the first place, emotional stuff instead of what his penis is doing. Off the top of my head he's got incredible work stress, he's never felt he really deserves to be happy, and gets really sad when I express that I'm unhappy because he isn't having sex with me instead of finding proactive ways to improve the situation. Mix performance issues in with that, it isn't much surprise he avoids sex.

I find it likely your husband probably has issues that contribute greatly to his sex stuff, so perhaps you would think about going to different counselor to tackle it from a different angle, it's pretty hard to have a healthy libido if you don't love yourself enough to let yourself be happy.
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  #14  
Old 08-05-2012, 05:35 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by persephone View Post
D promised me a while back that he wouldn't pursue more than one additional relationship at a time, and I am tempted to hold him to this.
What was the background to him making this promise to you? I could imagine several and would rather not speculate.


It seems to me this his worries about ED and sexual performance would just be made worse with a new person. Since he wants this, does he therefore feel that being with someone new will help him with this in some way?
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  #15  
Old 08-05-2012, 09:49 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
It seems to me this his worries about ED and sexual performance would just be made worse with a new person. Since he wants this, does he therefore feel that being with someone new will help him with this in some way?
My husband at least has always said worries about ED and sexual performance are much less for him with new people. With an established relationship there's a history of perceived "failure" and baggage that can make it more difficult to perform, that pressure isn't there with somebody new.
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  #16  
Old 08-06-2012, 01:14 AM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
My husband at least has always said worries about ED and sexual performance are much less for him with new people.
Really, that's interesting. My P.E was always much worse when going with a new partner. This was because of nerves, the more nervous and anxious I was, the quicker I would climax, and when going with someone for the first time I would be uptight anyway, and nervous about being nervous, so it was a vicious circle. If I combined nerves with being really turned on, it was a complete disaster.

The longer I'm in a relationship the better I am. It helps if you have a partner who is loving and patient, as Aurelie was with me, and while I'll never be up to the stud level of her lover, things are good now, and that's because I am comfortable and have confidence.
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  #17  
Old 08-07-2012, 12:48 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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Lots of potentially helpful things here, thanks! Cleo, yes, I am sure he slept with C. Before it happened, he told me he "didn't need to have sex with her" after I expressed my fear that I wasn't going to feel OK about him having intercourse with someone else when he had had close to zero libido with me for weeks. I was fine with anything else romantic and sexual between them, kissing, outercourse, etc. Unfortunately, I took his "I don't need to do this" to mean "I WON'T do this," and then he had intercourse with her anyway.

GalaGirl, you have most of the situation correct. I do get a fair bit of nonsexual quality time with D, I can't complain there. I don't understand why D refused to seek medical care for five years, likely compounding his performance anxiety to much worse than it would have been. One of my other partners suggested that men who have sexual dysfunction are somehow ashamed of it and want to just pretend it isn't happening.

Anneintherain, thanks for sharing more of your situation with me. I guess scenario 1 is a little worse than scenario 2, but either scenario would bother me. D's last time with C wasn't their first time having intercourse, it was their fourth, and I wasn't bothered at all by them doing so the first three times. (In fact, I was there for two of the times, in a foursome situation, and I quite enjoyed watching them together.) I don't believe I have sexual jealousy as long as I'm getting some with him too. If I'm not, then it kicks in, and how. I always say, I can't share what I don't have.

D is now saying that the other night with C made him realize that he does have a problem that is probably much more psychological than physical. I'm willing to go back to the sex therapist with him but he thinks that individual therapy might be the best path for him now. I think he is just as upset as I am that he isn't having problems with other women, only me. (He had an evening with R two weeks ago and although they didn't have intercourse, he apparently did get aroused with her and would have been able to do so.)

Cieldematin, D merely promised to start off slowly, since he hadn't dated anyone else in two years at that point. I was not comfortable with him adding multiple sexual partners all at once when we had struggled so long to achieve functionality in our own sex life, so we made an agreement that he would start out with one additional partner and then evaluate where we were before adding a second or third one. That was about six months ago, when our sex life was reasonably healthy (meaning only occasional ED and intercourse often several times a week).

Nathan, one of my other partners is like you. He does much better with the familiar than the "new shiny." I suspect, though, that more people are like D.

At present, D wants to find an individual polyfriendly therapist. There are some in our area but almost all are a good distance from our home. He has agreed to no intercourse with C (other sexual play is fine with me, and I hope it will be fine with C too, but we need to talk to her) until we restore some normalcy to our own sex life. He has also agreed to consider R as just a friend for now.

All I can say is, I can see why people break up over sexual issues. I am 100 percent committed to D and my relationship with him, but damn, is it exhausting and upsetting to deal with all this. It's so hard to feel desirable when your primary partner seems to want anyone but you.

Last edited by persephone; 08-07-2012 at 01:54 PM.
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  #18  
Old 08-07-2012, 01:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
All I can say is, I can see why people break up over sexual issues. I am 100 percent committed to D and my relationship with him, but damn, is it exhausting and upsetting to deal with all this. It's so hard to feel desirable when your primary partner seems to want anyone but you.
Aw. *hugs*

GG
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  #19  
Old 08-07-2012, 08:17 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Maybe he is more sexual with someone new (nre sex is more stimulating?). Maybe he just doesn't get as sexified with you for whatever reason. Maybe he's just fine with the way he is and doesn't care if he functions or not.

Maybe letting go of the promise he made is a better way to go too. People promise all kinds of stuff when they aren't experienced in poly. At some point those early blundering promises should be seen for what they are and abandoned I think. If I were in your situation I think I would make my request that he at least slow down and then see if he considers it. If he doesn't then that to me is the measure of a poly man. I'd either keep at it and try not to freak out. Or move on.
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  #20  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:45 PM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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"My feeling is that D should keep R as a platonic friend and concentrate on his relationships with me and with C..."

I cannot understand why no one has responded to the degree of control you want to have over your primary's love life. Shouldn't he be the one to determine who and when and where his energies are focused on? Because he is your primary, you believe that he should give more weight to your opinions about which of his relationships should be serious, which casual, and where he is supposed to focus all his sexual energy? "You should leave this one as less serious, but go ahead with that one as long as all your best efforts in the bedroom go to me! Me, me, me! Let the other women get the dregs, I have to come first! I am your primary, dammit!!!" If you feel that he must satisfy you first and foremost and until that is done, he should not feel free to be with anyone else sexually, then wow, what a buzzkill.

As a man who has a primary, my relationships are my relationships to manage, not my primary's. My sex life with my secondaries has nothing to do with my sex life with my primary. They are all separate people, not appendages to my primary relationship and all should get the consideration each deserves. If I am not feeling sexual with my primary, but am feeling sexual with my secondary, it is none of my primary's business to know what/why/when/who, and she doesn't get a say about who I should focus on or work on certain issues with. That kind of ownership over his penis and how he performs is probably contributing largely to his failure to get it up for you. Any dick would shrivel up in such a controlling environment.

Last edited by ihaveasecret; 08-07-2012 at 10:56 PM.
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