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  #21  
Old 08-03-2012, 08:28 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by GreedyPaul View Post
my Mistress and Her Husband have what they call "Ultimate Veto Power" in reguards to their extra-marital relationships. any and all lovers they have are subject to the approval of their spouse first, and throughout the life of those relationships. before either starts a relationship, the other meets and makes a relationship with the other and decides if this is a beneficial relationship or a toxic threat. all parties agree to the veto power and that His and Her relationship comes first. this must be agreed on by all.

i tell you this in the hopes that you will step back and re-evaluate your relationship with your husband. you married him. he married you. if you love each other, and im sure you do, you need to value this relationship higher than your bf and his gf.
GreedyPaul thanks for your input. I'm sorry that you are going through rough divorce. However, I think my relationships are structured a little differently than yours.
My husband and I do not have ultimate veto power. I would never tell my husband to break with his GF. I could ask him, and give him reasons why I am asking, but its his choice to do what he thinks is right for his life, and then its my choice to decide if I can live with that or not.

I also don't feel that because I married my husband when I was 23 and knew nothing (with what I know now, I don't think I'd ever marry again - it no longer fits my idea of relationships) that our bond is the strongest or most important one. Maybe this goes hand in hand with the no veto-thing. It's just not how we do things.
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  #22  
Old 08-03-2012, 08:29 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Knowing that it was your suggestion to have three days - strike my last comment then I am glad you tried to show he was important to you, and he took it as such, and realized just because you have a boyfriend, that you aren't forgetting his needs and are working hard to be compassionate.
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  #23  
Old 08-03-2012, 02:33 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'm glad things worked out for both of you. Again it could be a cheap seat prospective but the title and context,....your words in the thread paint one picture then told no it's really like that ...

You said since the break up he's jealous and insecure ...needy. What's changed ....nothing except now he can look and focus on you and your bf's.


Re...my comment on his actions. He chose her ...he knew she was cheating on another guy ....did nothing ...was warned ...fought and defended her decisions and action.....violated safe sex agreement. My thought is after that you don't have a right to be illogical and needy or insecure because you brought it on yourself.....and it's based on nothing.

I know how I screwed up the last time with the word for....but this is how I got the attitude impression.

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. We then agreed to spend 3 consecutive evenings together, the beginning of next week. I agreed with him that we had not been spending enough time together, which is not only because of the time we spend with our other partners, but also because of work and other obligations. I guess there was a little too much of the 'taking each other for granted' going on.

So after we agreed on those 3 nights, and were thinking about fun stuff to do together, and agreeing that I would go see my bf after those 3 nights, something happened today... Husband sent me an email and said : so instead of doing 3 consecutive nights, how do you feel if we spend 2 nights, I see L (GF) for 1 night, and then you and I have another date? (she's coming back to town after being away for 2 weeks).
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  #24  
Old 08-04-2012, 12:58 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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You said since the break up he's jealous and insecure ...needy. What's changed ....nothing except now he can look and focus on you and your bf's.
yes, because he's hurting, he needs me more, than when he was happy.
this may make me uncomfortable, it can feel stifling, it can feel unfair, but still I completely understand it.. and I think it were me, I would feel the same way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Re...my comment on his actions. He chose her ...he knew she was cheating on another guy ....did nothing ...was warned ...fought and defended her decisions and action.....violated safe sex agreement. My thought is after that you don't have a right to be illogical and needy or insecure because you brought it on yourself.....and it's based on nothing.

well things are just not that black and white for me. He did choose her knowing she was cheating. But she promised him she wasn't, and wouldn't cheat on him, and he believed her. That was naive, maybe, but he did it anyway and for about a year, had no reason to doubt her.
So when he finds out she is cheating on him too, is he not allowed to be hurt? with the hurt leading to feelings of insecurity and neediness? because he chose to start a relationship with a cheater?

The breaking of the safe sex agreement is another matter. He messed up there, big time. But, I messed up, in other ways, many ways, big time. Does messing up and making huge mistakes mean you lose the right to feel hurt or pain? to be illogical about complex emotions of fear of abandonment, of jealousy? for how long? forever? I don't know, this is just not how I look at things.

I started this thread because I was confused. Isn't that what most threads around here are about? There are so many things at play here. Me not liking my husbands GF. Her cheating on him. My husbands hurt. My anger. Him feeling lonely because I have 2 boyfriends (which in a very practical sense, means he sees me much less). My feelings of guilt towards everybody (well except towards the GF maybe ) Me being confused on how to really feel my own needs instead of those of everyone else.

That confusion is still very much an issue, even though things have settled down somewhat.
Husband is seeing the GF in a couple of days. He says he wants to try and establish a new relationship dynamic between them. We'll see. I have a feeling the drama isn't over.
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  #25  
Old 08-04-2012, 04:57 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How long have you been married? I was under the impression it was a long time .....10-15yr? long history and foundation. And that you've been open or swinging for yrs....(not your first rodeo ) .... so his reaction if seen through clear logical eyes he could see nothing in your relationship has changed....except his break up.


Yeah you're right ... things are never that black and white

I certainly understand why he feels hurt ....and he's absolutely allowed to feel that way. I was supporting your idea of it being unfair based on all the decisions he made to get him to where he is. Believe it or not I'm on your side....but I do have trust issues so I might be in the darker/brighter shades ...closer to black and white.


I get the confusion ....and the point of the thread. I gave my take on the conflicting emotions a few post ago....minus the guilt.


I think it would be sad and or dangerous to support a toxic relationship with a women who you now couldn't look in the eye with out disgust just so it wouldn't cut into your dating fun. I think you should maintain (as best you can) whatever routine you had prior. Don't allow a shift to happen...at least from your prospective. Perhaps an attitude of confidence and normalcy will breed confidence and security in your marriage .....resulting in a happy husband.
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  #26  
Old 08-04-2012, 08:16 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thank you DH for your thoughtful reply

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How long have you been married? I was under the impression it was a long time .....10-15yr? long history and foundation. And that you've been open or swinging for yrs....(not your first rodeo ) .... so his reaction if seen through clear logical eyes he could see nothing in your relationship has changed....except his break up.
together for almost 20 years. Started swinging a little over 3 years ago. The first meaningful, poly relationship (husbands previous GF) happened 18 months ago.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think it would be sad and or dangerous to support a toxic relationship with a women who you now couldn't look in the eye with out disgust just so it wouldn't cut into your dating fun. I think you should maintain (as best you can) whatever routine you had prior. Don't allow a shift to happen...at least from your prospective. Perhaps an attitude of confidence and normalcy will breed confidence and security in your marriage .....resulting in a happy husband.
this is such good advice that I highlighted it here so I can read it back easier when I need it. Thanks!
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  #27  
Old 08-05-2012, 04:01 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreedyPaul View Post
my Mistress and Her Husband have what they call "Ultimate Veto Power" in reguards to their extra-marital relationships. any and all lovers they have are subject to the approval of their spouse first, and throughout the life of those relationships. before either starts a relationship, the other meets and makes a relationship with the other and decides if this is a beneficial relationship or a toxic threat. all parties agree to the veto power and that His and Her relationship comes first. this must be agreed on by all.
I am very glad that this is something that you can agree to. If I were to be interested in getting involved with someone in a relationship where that was the condition for entry, then I would run away from it as fast as possible. The reason is that I want to be able to relax in my relationships, and not feel like there is a Sword of Damocles hanging over it the whole time, that someone I am not in the relationship with can, on a whim, end it, and my partner and I would have no say in it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreedyPaul View Post
i tell you this in the hopes that you will step back and re-evaluate your relationship with your husband. you married him. he married you. if you love each other, and im sure you do, you need to value this relationship higher than your bf and his gf.
Turning this around - are you saying that if people refuse to rank each other in this way, then what exists isn't really love?

Again, if this works for you, then fine, but it wouldn't work for me.

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Originally Posted by GreedyPaul View Post
they need to know that you do. that you're united in this relationship first. that all others come second.
Ah, what I call the "couple front" - the couple are a single entity, joined at the hip. Everything else is trivial in comparison. I would suggest that this is a large proportion of the so-called "unicorn hunters" out there and that this is the primary reason why they can't actually ever find anybody. Because, let's be honest, who wants to feel like they are second best? Don't they deserve more than that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreedyPaul View Post
if anybody (cough cough his gf cough cough) senses that you are divided, they will exploit you and him and know that neither of you will take a stand. unity is a must.
What a sorry distrusting world that you live in. Why do you assume that the motive is to divide the couple, if that is possible? Why is this a contest with winners and losers - why can't we have a situation of a poly relationship where everyone wins?

It's worked for me, and quite a few of my poly friends. But, as I said, if this sort of setup works for you and you are happy, then more power to you.
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  #28  
Old 08-05-2012, 06:56 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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But the thing I struggle with the most is the fact that I really don't want her sleeping in my bed anymore. Sleeping at her place is not a possibility, so my husband already pointed out that if he were to start this more casual, FWB relationship with a DADT policy, he has nowhere to go.
That is entirely his problem. Seriously. Let him solve it.
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