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  #21  
Old 08-02-2012, 04:19 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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In a fantasy world where I could choose who I and my partners developed feelings for I would prefer additional partners to have their own primaries or other partners of equal significance to me (or my partners). For me, I think that would help me feel more comfortable that they understood the married/involved, but not exclusive, dynamic.

Dude has always respected my relationship with my husband, he understands that if MrS and I aren't "strong" then I can't lend my full attention to him when we are together. (In addition, he loves MrS in an utterly straight guy way - and reserves the right to still be friends with him if Dude and I ever break up). Yet still, he used to tease about us "running away together" (until I asked him to stop, exactly once, and he did - Dude may be the most stubborn, infuriating, jackass on the planet - but he does actually LISTEN to me, as does MrS, which is why I love them both).

I fear cowboys/cowgirls - I do (I admit it). I fear cheaters in poly clothing. OTOH if someone like NYCindie (solo, poly, thoughtful) showed up with an interest in one of my partners, I would welcome her with open arms - meet her or not on her terms, be friends or casual acquaintances as our chemistry and her comfort level allowed - as long as she were clear with them what her terms ARE. Most people (and I am not just talking polyfolk here) are NOT AT ALL clear about who/what they are or what they are willing to offer to a relationship. They don't know their own boundaries and are unwilling to consider the boundaries of others. I have worked hard on this myself - my boundaries are broad but firm. You can develop WHATEVER kind of relationship you want/can with me or my partners - over time, with consideration. What you CAN'T do is dictate that they (my partners) change/end their relationship with ME.

I don't want drama. I don't want anyone to get mortally wounded/traumatized. I want people that I care about, and the people that they care about to feel loved and cherished. I don't want to be sacrificed on the altar of poly to accomplish this. I am willing to undergo discomfort and hard conversations - but ultimately I deserve to feel loved and cherished as well.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #22  
Old 08-02-2012, 06:19 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post

I fear cowboys/cowgirls - I do (I admit it). I fear cheaters in poly clothing. OTOH if someone like NYCindie (solo, poly, thoughtful) showed up with an interest in one of my partners, I would welcome her with open arms - meet her or not on her terms, be friends or casual acquaintances as our chemistry and her comfort level allowed - as long as she were clear with them what her terms ARE. Most people (and I am not just talking polyfolk here) are NOT AT ALL clear about who/what they are or what they are willing to offer to a relationship. They don't know their own boundaries and are unwilling to consider the boundaries of others. I have worked hard on this myself - my boundaries are broad but firm. You can develop WHATEVER kind of relationship you want/can with me or my partners - over time, with consideration. What you CAN'T do is dictate that they (my partners) change/end their relationship with ME.

I don't want drama. I don't want anyone to get mortally wounded/traumatized. I want people that I care about, and the people that they care about to feel loved and cherished. I don't want to be sacrificed on the altar of poly to accomplish this. I am willing to undergo discomfort and hard conversations - but ultimately I deserve to feel loved and cherished as well.

JaneQ
OMG! IF you keep writing such great quotes I'm going to have to start stalking you. (j/k-I'm too busy to stalk anyone).

I highlighted in red the part of me that seems so hard for people to understand . I really have no hard and fast boundaries. To me they are all negotiable (though I've been accused of it). But, I am so sick of dealing with people who say they want one thing-and do another, or say they don't want something only to do it behind my back.
I don't give a SHIT if the "thing" they said they wouldn't do is something I personally agree with or not-as soon as you said you would not do it-you owe it to me NOT TO DO IT until you say otherwise!
DRIVES ME NUTS!
And
cowboys are too fucking prevalent. Sad but true. Ignorance is bliss at times I suppose.
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  #23  
Old 08-02-2012, 07:30 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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JaneQSmythe gets my mad respect for this post too. But I'm a swoony fan of hers in general already. Pack o' stalkers seems to be brewing

Can someone really clearly define cowboys/cowgirls for me?
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  #24  
Old 08-02-2012, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post

Can someone really clearly define cowboys/cowgirls for me?
A person who pretends to be interested in being a poly-addition to a relationship, but in fact is hoping to build a mono relationship with the partner and get rid of the previously attached partners.
I didn't double check to be SURE that word is included, but here's a link to the page that has a crapload of definitions for words commonly used around here.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1720
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  #25  
Old 08-02-2012, 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Can someone really clearly define cowboys/cowgirls for me?
Just picture the cowboy or cowgirl on a horse, riding in the midst of a herd of cattle, trying to rope one of them and separate it from the herd to bring back to their ranch. That's what cowboys/girls do, they get in the middle of a poly tangle and glom onto the one they want to claim as their own. Instead of rope, they use sex and convincing arguments, or driving a psychological wedge between an established couple, to try and make that person want only them and leave the tangle behind.
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  #26  
Old 08-03-2012, 07:13 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Whether or not they're single or married, my basic considerations would be:

Are they supportive of the relationship I have with my wife continuing as is/growing stronger?

Do they get along with my wife Ginko well enough that we can all enjoy hanging out together, along with any other partners they might have?

Are they able to reliably see me once or twice per week without shortchanging other parts of their life?

If something comes up and they have to cancel a meetup, will they let me know as soon as they know, and make it a priority to reschedule?

Are they ready for a strong physical AND emotional connection?
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  #27  
Old 08-05-2012, 04:06 AM
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Originally Posted by lovemultiplied View Post
When you're looking for other people to "date" or "form relationships with," do you feel that there's a difference between being with other people who have their own "primary" or are "stray singles" okay?
Oh, absolutely. Introvert answer alert!

I can't cope with big, chaotic households. I can cope with big households that run well and that acknowledge people's individual needs, wants, etc. I can cope with small households with minor chaos. I can definitely cope with households of one, provided I am not suddenly that person's reason for living. -- I kid, but oy, the monogamous boyfriends I've had...

I worry that I'll be thrown into a situation where I never get the chance to have my needs met because I'm newest and the established situation runs too well for the others to want to change it. (See also "why Cassie hates NRE". I prefer to deal in reality when starting a relationship.)

I also have a bit of a squick about dealing with endless bloody networks of sexual partners who maybe aren't where I am regarding safety. I get nasty side effects off antibiotics, and I suspect antivirals would do much the same to me, so if there's an insert-bogeyman-here scare, that's time I have to set aside to cope with my fucked-up body. I want to have a partner with whom I feel safe doing that, but again, if I'm coming into a situation, even as a co-primary, I fear being too inconvenient.

Old baggage, probably, about being inconvenient in other people's lives and getting shunted aside. (Not romantically.) Baggage all the same, and I'm claiming it. Until I can open it and sort through it, best for me to be with small, closed groups or singles, neither type being likely to have too many extant people to whom I've got to adjust.
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  #28  
Old 08-05-2012, 09:49 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Before I met my current boyfriends, I went on a lot of dates (through a polyamory dating site) with married men. They all claimed, in the initial email exchange, to have a happy and solid marriage. Often the wife had a boyfriend. There seemed to be a pattern (I encountered this maybe 5 times within a couple of months): married guy falls in love with someone, maybe cheats, maybe comes clean right away, the couple starts talking about opening up the relationship, do this under the condition that guy ends it with his crush, wife starts dating and pretty soon finds someone, leaving the guy resentful that he is now a) seeing his wife have fun b) had to give up his crush.

First date, they talked about the beauty of being in an open relationship, how monogamy was so stifling, how liberated they felt. And then, sometimes as soon as towards the end of the first date, sometimes on the second date, there would be a tiny but nasty little comment about their wives neglecting them now that she had a boyfriend. About tension and struggles in the marriage. About 'just wanting to have a good time'. At the same time I would sense resentment about the wife going out and having a good time. And I always got the feeling that what they were looking for was not an additional relationship, but something that could help them cope with the fact that their marriage was no longer exciting.

The BF I met eventually is in another relationship, but not married or living together. He sees her much more often than he sees me, and he talks about her with love, respect and enthusiasm. I would say that is my ideal situation. He has kids who live with him, but when I go visit him only the kids are there and no wife (his GF is not the mother of his kids) which makes the situation a lot easier for me.

My other boyfriend was recently divorced when I met him, and seeing someone - a woman he spent about 1 weekend a month with. He wanted more from her, she could not give it (she had 2 other relationships). Still I liked the fact that he was involved with someone, and when she broke up with him (because she could not stomach the fact that he got involved with me - oh the irony) that bothered me a little. He was still hurting from his divorce, feeling lonely sometimes, and I was worried that he would become too dependent on me.

That never really happened though, we've been together almost 7 months now and things are great. Of course NOW I'm beginning to worry that I (being married and also seeing other BF) am not enough for him, and that he will soon look for and find someone else...

Both my BF's have expressed that they like the fact that I am married. They are both not looking for a #1 primary relationship. (though I guess BF #2 eventually will want this - but not with me). They both met my husband. Now that my husband is going through a bit of a rough patch with his GF (that's an understatement) this upset me too, and I was able to talk about it with both BF's. These were some really beautiful and incredible experiences for me. I would never have expected for either boyfriend to be interested in my husbands heartache, but they are, they ask me how he's doing, and share their thoughts about it.
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Last edited by Cleo; 08-05-2012 at 10:00 AM.
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  #29  
Old 08-14-2012, 05:38 AM
Quietfever Quietfever is offline
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Interesting.

I am the "stray single". I'm in a life place where it's far easier to meet attached people open to me as a secondary, than people who want to be a primary live-in life partner with me who are also compatible. In the former situation, there's almost an embarassment of riches - as long as they're willing to be with me as 1) a lesbian (I am not interested in the husband, or even in having him in the room) and 2) an actual relationship and not a plaything and 3) a stray single.

I am confronting my own areas where I think I would be jealous. Surprisingly, it's not over the sex or the depth with the primary committed partner.

There *would* be jealousy over not having someone to share a home with and feel like part of a couple. Which I feel would be exceedingly difficult for me to find and so what I feel is actually wistfulness and envy - watching people I care about get to have cute little homes and gardens and throw their parties as couples.

I would not be jealous of the husband - nor would I want to twist anyone away from their partner - but seeing someone I am fond of go home to that cute little home and cozy home life, and someone with whom they share finances and daily concerns, would be a bit envy-making.

Envy is a different emotion from jealousy.

I would want what she has. But not necessarily *from* her.
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  #30  
Old 08-14-2012, 11:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
Before I met my current boyfriends, I went on a lot of dates (through a polyamory dating site) with married men. They all claimed, in the initial email exchange, to have a happy and solid marriage. Often the wife had a boyfriend. There seemed to be a pattern (I encountered this maybe 5 times within a couple of months): married guy falls in love with someone, maybe cheats, maybe comes clean right away, the couple starts talking about opening up the relationship, do this under the condition that guy ends it with his crush, wife starts dating and pretty soon finds someone, leaving the guy resentful that he is now a) seeing his wife have fun b) had to give up his crush.

First date, they talked about the beauty of being in an open relationship, how monogamy was so stifling, how liberated they felt. And then, sometimes as soon as towards the end of the first date, sometimes on the second date, there would be a tiny but nasty little comment about their wives neglecting them now that she had a boyfriend. About tension and struggles in the marriage. About 'just wanting to have a good time'. At the same time I would sense resentment about the wife going out and having a good time. And I always got the feeling that what they were looking for was not an additional relationship, but something that could help them cope with the fact that their marriage was no longer exciting.
Unfortunately-I think that it's ALL TOO COMMON that married men are seeking a partner to ease their discontent with their wife having another partner.
Instead of seeking a partner for the positive attributes that person could bring to a relationship.

It's offensive to me-and I've watched my husband do exactly that and been JUST as offended.
I can't seem to NOT feel like "if I were her I'd be SO hurt and SO offended" because he only wants SOMEONE-ANYONE so that he doesn't feel like I have "one up on him" because I have a boyfriend.

I would NEVER want to be someone's revenge or what the fuck ever they call it.
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