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Old 02-25-2012, 05:09 AM
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Default I'm delusional!

I have been with my husband since I was 15 (24 years this March) and my boyfriend for 2 years in March. They were friends back in high school, but no longer consider themselves friends. My bf lives in another state and I see him probably every 10 weeks. My husband was seeing a woman in CA but they seem to be over it. My husband seemed completely comfortable with everything until my jealousy reared it's ugly head when I found out my bf had been lying and was cheating on me with another woman. This woman and I knew nothing of each other. I also, selfishly I know, wanted my bf to be monogamous, as he held the same belief as me (or so he said) - that we only have sex with someone we love. My husband believes sex is sex - and feelings do not necessarily become a factor. When I found out about the cheating I freaked and just wanted us to all be together. They both have adamently said that will never happen. It kills me as I love them both and think their jealousy would lessen if we were all together. How naive am I to want this? Am I making both of these men do something they don't want to do, or really don't believe in? I love them both.
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crushed View Post
my jealousy reared it's ugly head when I found out my bf had been lying and was cheating on me with another woman. This woman and I knew nothing of each other. I also, selfishly I know, wanted my bf to be monogamous, as he held the same belief as me (or so he said) - that we only have sex with someone we love.
It might help to distinguish two reactions here: 1) your quite understandable outrage that bf was involved with someone else without telling you about it (assuming you had some prior, poly-ish understanding with him that you would be entirely honest with one another); and 2) your desire for exclusive fidelity from your boyfriend (though not, I guess, from your husband?)

In other words, is the problem that bf was involved with someone else at all (2) or that he didn't think to tell you he was involved with someone else (1)?

It seems to me you have to address yourself to point 1, first, just to determine whether your relationship with bf is viable at all. If you can't be honest with one another, you don't have a lot to go on, and having him live with (or closer to) you and your husband will not help.

You also have to think carefully about point 2, and especially think about what's fair. It is unreasonable on its face to expect a guy to be exclusively faithful to you when you see him every 10 weeks (!!), when you yourself are involved with two people (bf and husband), and your husband has been involved with someone else.

I mean, really! Why should you have all the benefits of a poly or open relationship, while he has none?

So, why do you want him to be with you and your husband, really? Is it so you can be all things to him, so he need not stray from exclusive fidelity to you? Is it so you can exercise 24-hour surveillance and control on him, so he cannot stray without you knowing about it?

In what way would this not be lighting the fuse on a powder-keg?

And why would this arrangement appeal either to bf or to your husband? Why would your bf upend his life in order to hand himself over to your control?

In what way would this be an expression of your love for him, unless by "love" you mean the desire to possess and control?
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Old 02-25-2012, 08:27 PM
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Well said, Hyper.

As for jealousy lessening when all are together, I think it could go either way. Being face to face with each other all the time could get them used to the situation, or it could make it unbearable because there'd be no escape. Either way, if they both say there's no way, why even worry about it any further?
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Old 02-26-2012, 06:13 AM
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My issue is primarily that he lied to me. When I asked him numerous times - he lied. He said he was going with the "don't ask, don't tell" approach that I had said I preferred. Well, then I asked. My anger is the fact he was having unprotected sex with both her and I. I felt that she had a right to know, as I did. So that we could both make the decision if this was something we wanted to be a part of. The reason I expected monogamy from him, is that is what he had said he wanted from the beginning. I expected when that situation would change that he would discuss that with me. I have been and continue to go to counselling with a poly-marriage counselor. My husband has stopped going. My husband says he was ok with the bf, until I told my husband that I have now grown to love my bf. He was ok when he thought it was sexual only, though I had explained to both of them that I do not think I could have sex without love. I have ONLY had sex with these two men, because for me, love has to be a part of it.

The reason I would love him to be closer is that I don't feel 10 weeks is enough time to spend together and unfortunately can't afford to fly to see him more than that. My income is significantly higher than his and I can't ask him to help pay more than twice a year, as I do not want to strain him financially.

I'm not trying to be a jerk to either of them - that's why I've been 100% open and honest with them on what it is I want and have asked them to tell me the same. Why is it wrong for me to want to be part of a Vee? I have proposed polyandry, as I feel committed to both of them.
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Old 02-26-2012, 07:11 AM
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Obviously your bf's position on things has changed and he wants something more than being monogamous in a LDR with someone he can only see every 10 weeks, which seems unreasonable anyway. Of course he would not want to move in with you and be involved only with you - he's got another girlfriend now too. He's not monogamous anymore! So, stop hanging on to that wish.

Yes, it is a douchebag move for him to have had unprotected sex before you could negotiate that boundary, and I wonder why that's not a dealbreaker for you. However, it seems like you've been operating from expectations based on assumptions rather than clear, direct communication. You feel committed to the bf, but he obviously has a different stance on his commitment to you. You and your hubs have some glaring misunderstanding between you, too.

I think you would do well to let go a bit of your attachment to the bf, since it doesn't seem like the kind of co-primary relationship that would be satisfying for you if he wants to stay where he is. I think, that if you do continue seeing him, now you use condoms and consider it more casual/less demanding than it was before. If you want a co-primary type of situation with an additional partner, look closer to home. AND start examining and find ways to improve your communication skills, so you're no longer assuming everyone wants the same as you do, when they are assuming differently.

Oh, and of course, if you've had unprotected sex with him after he did so with someone else, you need to get tested for STIs asap.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-26-2012 at 04:17 PM.
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Old 02-26-2012, 08:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crushed View Post
I'm not trying to be a jerk to either of them - that's why I've been 100% open and honest with them on what it is I want and have asked them to tell me the same. Why is it wrong for me to want to be part of a Vee? I have proposed polyandry, as I feel committed to both of them.
It's not wrong to feel what you feel and to want what you want. But if you expect them to give it to you, merely because you want it, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Some people aren't capable of saying what they want, even when you ask.
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #7  
Old 08-04-2012, 07:24 PM
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well update to our situation... I've been going through counseling and am learning quite a bit about myself. I have serious control issues and am working through them. My issue stemmed from feeling left out of my BFs new relationship, and that hurt - that he lied and that he didn't trust me or us. Him and I are still together, as are my husband and I. My husband and his GF broke up about a year ago. He currently has no one, and says he doesn't need anyone, but then confesses he just doesn't know how to look for someone. I've tried helping him, but not sure what more I can do. I'm trying to let him discover this on his own. My BF is still a LDR, but he is hoping to move closer to me. Him and my husband are trying to become friends, which I hope happens. They are both such great guys, with similar interests, and I think would be great friends - but again - I'm letting them navigate this friendship. My BF is not seeing anyone and says he has no desires to. As he and I have talked through things he says he has realized he, himself, can not love more than one person, but he understands that I can. All I have asked of him, is honesty in who he is being intimate with. He has agreed that he will do that. I believe him. Hopefully, not foolishly. We are going to be working with my poly counselor on how this V would work when we are within 30 minutes of each other. It's been a trying year, with lots of growth, self reflection and hard conversations - but I feel better than ever with the loves of my life.
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