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Old 08-04-2012, 06:00 PM
DarayTala's Avatar
DarayTala DarayTala is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: York, PA
Posts: 42
Default What to do when sexual needs are not met?

So heres my problem, to put it simply, I feel like I'm just not getting enough sex from one of my partners. But I guess its a little more complicated then that, so here is our backstory.

I met Lady about two years ago and we began a relationship. We took things slowly and began having sex about six months into the relationship. Honestly, it was the best sex I've ever had. With him I feel passion, energy, a very deep intimate connection, its just amazing. We were both extremely sexual with each other at that point, making time to have sex pretty much every day, or teasing and showing how bad we wanted to if we couldn't We had some rough patches when our relationship came close to a year old, mostly because he was scared of getting so close to someone and committing so much. Even during the brief time we were apart and when we barely saw each other, the sexual energy was still so strong and compelling between us. Fast forward, we fix our relationship issues and our sex life is good, we're intimate every few days when we can find time and the sex is still just as wonderful as it was. Then every few days turns into every few weeks, and now every few months. I state when I'm interested, try to initiate things and get turned down, try and give space and not mention it for a time, try and joke about it or say seductive and teasing things, nothing seems to make a difference. When I'm asked why his sex drive changed so much I get shrugs. He has trouble opening up, so either he won't explain to me what happened or honestly doesn't know.

So here I am, having had sex only four times in about seven months. While living together and sleeping in the same bed almost every night. Yes, I could get sex from my other partners, but that really doesn't help in any way. What I miss is the particular intense intimacy I felt with Lady when we slept together. I miss the passion, the wanting. It isnt really about pleasure to me, I can get just as much pleasure or more by fantasizing on my own. Its having such an intense bonding moment with someone I love so dearly, and now feeling like I am barred from it. Theres also the feelings of insecurity and rejection to deal with, not something I usually feel in my relationships, and its hard to get used to. I've expressed to her how I feel, but nothing changes. I feel like the few times we even do have sex, its him trying to placate me and not him really wanting it like I do.

This is getting to a point when I'm feeling frustrated, angry, rejected, sad, and lost all the time. I know it sounds pathetic, but its hard for me because its been an ongoing issue for months, that builds up and feels worse because I don't know why its happening and don't know if theres anything I can do to solve it. I'm completely helpless since Lady can't or won't talk about it, and won't change his behavior. I'm at a point where sometimes I want to just say 'look, I'm not getting my needs met, if you want me to be with you then you need to try and fix this with me'. The only problem with that is this is someone I love very dearly, someone I want to grow old with, and not someone I want to leave for any reason, so I shouldn't threaten to. I doubt I would be able to go through with it, and if I did, I'd be losing an entire loving relationship when right now I've only lost a part of the intimacy that I crave. But what else can I do? I never thought I'd have this need because usually sex matters very little for me and I have a pretty low sex drive. This is way too low for my wants though, and in this particular situation, its eating away at me. My other moral dilemma is no one should have sex unless they fully want to. The last thing I would ever want to do is infringe upon Lady's rights there. But how can I orchestrate any sort of change without risking putting pressure on her? I need things to change lest I go nuts or end things out of rash anger when thats not what I want, but I see no way to get a change to happen. I don't even know if my feelings here are valid at all.

So please help?
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