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  #11  
Old 12-06-2009, 07:45 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I appreciate everyone's comments and concerns. Maybe ill remember who i am, though i dont believe itll be anytime soon...
I didn't begin to remember the one time until I was in AIT. Painful (though amicable) divorce and I enlisted short after. I didn't even feel human again until I'd been in AIT for a couple of weeks.
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  #12  
Old 12-06-2009, 09:20 PM
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I mean, shit, i act like i normally do, but inside i know that im dead.

....

How does one rediscover one's self?
Dude, you're living in an up-side-down world. The cuture, that is. It's quite mad. And so it's difficult to keep your own head and heart on straight, so to speak.

I recommend two things.:

(a) Give of yourself. To others. In any way you think fits with where you're at. Give of yourself for them, not for you. It doesn't matter if the others are human or animal or plant or mineral... but find a way to give. Learn to enjoy it. Follow it as a path of awakening.

(b) Practice sitting meditation at least once a day, if only for a few minutes each sit. Do it every day. No exceptions. Find a meditation teacher if you need one. (I recommend this book for hints and clues: http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalo...7062-232-8.cfm )
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2009, 01:21 AM
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If you're making your relationships themselves the key part of your identity, you're putting who you are in the hands of others. Also, you're bound to doomed relationships; the don't survive without unique, autonomous individuals.

I wouldn't completely discount relationships as a way of defining oneself. It might not be healthy, but then again, maybe it is? I think one of the problems I see in my culture is that people are somewhat detached and super-independent; or at least they try to be.

I remember some psychology class I took that listed the various ways an individual can obtain power. One of those was through association with other people(like a sports fan wearing a Bulls jersey feels like a part of an athletic organization, even if they don't exercise, or a guy who has a g/f he is proud of/excited about). There are other forms, status (jobs/titles), Gestalt.. I forget the rest.

Point being, maybe it's okay to lose yourself in someone else a bit. Maybe that's part of what love is for some people. The big thing to remember is if something is damaging you, then try and find a way to change. (Which I think is sort of what Drunken Porcupine might be saying?)

I was talking this morning with my lover about this concept. You can drink alcoholic beverages morning, noon and night: that doesn't make you an alcoholic. What makes you an alcoholic is when it is damaging your life. When you miss work, when it impairs your functioning as a partner/parent/member of society.
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  #14  
Old 12-07-2009, 09:34 PM
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Oh I feel for you... I too have been through this also... hang tight and know you are not alone.
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  #15  
Old 12-07-2009, 11:46 PM
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“All of us know, whether or not we are able to admit it, that mirrors can only lie, that death by drowning is all that awaits one there. It is for this reason that love is so desperately sought and so cunningly avoided. Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within (p 95)”. -James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time
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  #16  
Old 12-08-2009, 08:07 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Berserker, I can tell you from the absolute bottom of my heart that there is always an up to every down. I've been down brother, so far my nails snapped back as I clawed myself out of a hole so deep and dark even hell would have seemed comforting.

I also was the one who cast myself down, breaking lives around me like branches on a tree I had fallen out of. There are scars so deep in those around me and in myself that I doubt they will ever stop tearing as I move forward.

But you know what..there are moments of such happiness and love that for brief instances the pain subsides and I see through the clouds of guilt and shame at hurting the people I love. In those moments I know there is a reason to open my eyes, to wake up and give as much of myself to the happiness of those that chose to have me in their lives.

One of those people who has chosen to have me in their life is me. I see good there, caring and a desire to help and love.

Don't ever be so selfish as to think those that will chose to have you in their lives don't deserve the chance to experience the good and love in you my friend. Ever. Nuff said.

Peace and love
Mono
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  #17  
Old 12-08-2009, 02:02 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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If that sense of self is lost perhaps it's time to create a new one instead of trying to find the old one.
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  #18  
Old 12-09-2009, 01:40 AM
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If that sense of self is lost perhaps it's time to create a new one instead of trying to find the old one.
Create? Yes. There is certainly an active part to play in getting on your own two feet. Or sitting on your own butt.... Or whatever.

But there is also the importance of simply allowing. Getting out of our own way where we can. Being in the "clearing" and waiting for the emergence.

Breathing happens without our willing it, as does the heart's work of pumping blood. The world goes round and round without our choosing. Stuff happens, and if we're there to notice it we can catch a wave we've never ridden when it shows itself as subtle ripples, almost imperceptible.

I'm not knocking the active creative process of self-becoming. And passive allowing doesn't work that well, either. There is effort in becoming our true unique expression of being. But just as often that effort involves letting go. Allowing.

Have you ever gone dancing and found yourself moving to the rhythm without even trying, then let go to find that the music literally DOES move you? That's it.

Have you taken time to notice that while you are breathing you are also being breathed?

Wake for the sunrise -- it moves all on its own, regardless.... Sunset no less beautiful, the praise of sunrise already ripe within it. And courage for pin prick stars.
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  #19  
Old 12-16-2009, 08:22 PM
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Reading all of your posts and especially a select few, i see what you all mean. I lost who i am because i changed, im not who i was 2 years ago. I changed and i accept that, im a better person and i didnt even know it.

What made me realize it is that i had the chance to be with a girl ive loved for as long as ive known her but she was with one of my best friends. Well theyve been broken up and i couldve brough her here and been with her but instead, i analyzed their problem and fixed it. I brought them happiness instead of myself.

I realize that ill never be who i was because im not that person anymore. Im a different person and ill never change for anyone. Thanks everyone, i really appreciate it
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  #20  
Old 12-16-2009, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by berserker239 View Post
Reading all of your posts and especially a select few, i see what you all mean. I lost who i am because i changed, im not who i was 2 years ago. I changed and i accept that, im a better person and i didnt even know it.

What made me realize it is that i had the chance to be with a girl ive loved for as long as ive known her but she was with one of my best friends. Well theyve been broken up and i couldve brough her here and been with her but instead, i analyzed their problem and fixed it. I brought them happiness instead of myself.

I realize that ill never be who i was because im not that person anymore. Im a different person and ill never change for anyone. Thanks everyone, i really appreciate it
Oh I am so impressed with you.. what a hard thing to go through. All these crap times in life are like gifts I think. They bring you closer to yourself and to those that really matter.

Good for you, giving really makes the heart stronger... and more often than not is comes back to you in the most amazing ways.

Glad your thoughts are shifting and you are moving forward.
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