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Old 08-03-2012, 08:01 AM
PassionFlower PassionFlower is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 9
Default Being a unicorn, for the first time...and new to practicing poly

Where to begin? First of all, I am writing this post because I want to be good to myself and to my lovers, and not fuck up just because I didn't write a post here and get some (hopefully) good advice from those with more experience.

If I don't get any insights, I am sure I will still navigate fairly successfully through my new relationships using the tools I finely honed in my marriage (which is now over, for many reasons which can be boiled down to he wanted security and I wanted freedom, and we became incompatible). Communication, self-awareness, openness, consideration, understanding, commitment: I have all those things in spades.

What I don't have is experience in being a secondary. And it's been a long, long time since I experienced NRE. Heady stuff! I am pretty drunk on it, and I find it wonderful and exhausting.

Since separating from my husband, I have approached poly with a very open mind, not putting many parameters on what I want, just seeing what might be out there. I have been thinking and reading and exploring internally poly for 3 years, and had a few poly (threesome) experiences that didn't work out so well with my ex-husband.

I met this amazing couple. I was mostly looking for a woman to explore with, and found a woman online who is married but said they were looking for a woman together but wanting to focus on the female female connection. So we met, and had an instant connection, her and I. A few days later I met her husband, and had an instant connection with him too. We had a threesome which blew my mind, as it was totally different from what I had experienced before.

And I just felt like I fit. Like, here it is, this is amazing. This is the kind of relationship I had wanted to create in my marriage, but couldn't because my husband wasn't open to it.

I tend to approach relationships very seriously. I think about the big picture. I had very few boyfriends before I met my husband because I would quickly discern whether someone was a good fit for me or not, whether I could see myself with them in the long term. I like long term, committed relationships, full of deep and meaningful connections, where you know each other really well, know the flaws and the quirks and the passions, and accept the person and are accepted, and you know it's real because you've been there long enough to see the real person and have them see you.

And at the start of my poly life I decided to just try to see how more casual relationships felt for me: friends with benefits, lovers kind of thing. I don't know if I can do those kinds of relationships, I just want to get deep. And I have kids and I'm starting to see how my time is very limited. When I would think about poly before I would envision a house full of women living together and loving each other, a community of lovers supporting each other day to day. And I'm discovering that I want to build something like that, or at least find primary people (persons) to build with.

So here's the thing. I am used to being a in a monogamous relationship, where my partner and I are at the center of each other's worlds. And I am in a relationship with a couple who are the center of each other's worlds. And I want to be part of it. They are great at communicating, seem very good with talking about emotions, and have experience with a triad. So I am pretty happy with where they're at. But I don't know how serious I should get. It's new, it's NRE, I get that you can't go ahead and plan the rest of your life. The same with ANY relationship, even traditional heterosexual monogamy. But with hetero mono there's usually a concept of looking for someone to share life with, and trying to find a good fit for that. I don't have a good idea of what's being looked for here.

I want to find people to share my life with. Live with. Be a family with my kids with. In the context of being polyamorous, however that looks.

But I don't know if having a conversation about the possibility of that vision this early on is too much, too fast. Again, not making plans, but just kind of seeing if there's a shared vision there. Because they have an established relationship and a shared life already, and I am just really unsure about my place, and if my vision for what I ultimately want will fit there, and I don't know if I should wait to talk about it until we know each other better so I don't freak them out.

Communication and honesty are great, but sometimes jumping the gun is just jumping the gun. So I don't know which to do. Let myself talk about the big picture, or just wait and try to calm myself and not have to have all the possibilities laid out? It's unknown anyway...should I just leave it be and see what unfolds? Or is talking about what I want right from the start a good idea? And is it realistic? Or should I really just be looking for a single primary to share my life with and go from there in inviting other people in?

FYI, I am bisexual and really into both of them, and exploring the nuances of what I feel for each of them, separately and together. Also FYI, this is my second relationship with a woman, and the first was very constrained by my ex-husband's boundaries/rules/guidelines. The first woman I had a sexual loving relationship with was living with us at the time. I loved all of it, except the constraints.
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