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  #1  
Old 12-06-2009, 03:36 AM
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berserker239 berserker239 is offline
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Default Have you ever forgotten who you are?

I forget who the hell i am anymore, what i stand for, believe in, want, care for, etc. I feel like an empty shell. A shadow of my former self, watching my current self spiral into self destruction, helpless to stop the travesty unfolding before my fucking eyes.

Im lost, lost like i was 2 years ago, then i met a girl and everything came into clarity. Now shes gone and everything is out of focus. I see the way i treat people now and i just stopped caring. I smoke marijuana a hell of alot more than i used to. Now for completely different reasons. I lost interest in everything, I dont play games as much as i used to, i stopped playing guitar, stopped being social, stopped trying to make friends, i lost my religion. I dont know what i believe anymore. Nothing is true, everything turns out to be a lie.

I mean, shit, i act like i normally do, but inside i know that im dead. I think about trying to move on, trying to find a new woman to bring into my life, but its hard to be confident when you never had any self confidence in the first place. God i wish my people never became modernized and we still hunted buffalo with sticks and arrows...god it would be so much easier being a Cherokee in a whitemans world if it was still like that...but alas i cant be so lucky

How does one rediscover one's self?
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  #2  
Old 12-06-2009, 03:50 AM
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I had to struggle with this kind of issue myself. Am still struggling sometimes. But you have to remember that youare not 'who' you ARE you are 'who' you CHOOSE to be. Make yourself into what you desire to be.

And eventually, things will focus.

((hugs)) hope things get better for you.
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Old 12-06-2009, 04:19 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by berserker239 View Post
Nothing is true, everything turns out to be a lie.

How does one rediscover one's self?
If everything's a lie, then find the most useful lies and act as if they're true. Should they cease to be useful, find different lies.

Feeling some Meatloaf right about now:

"It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out

"It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about

"It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!"

I think once all the pieces have finished falling, you'll then be able to rebuild. That's what's worked for me in the past. I let it all fall down and then built something different.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #4  
Old 12-06-2009, 04:38 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
If everything's a lie, then find the most useful lies and act as if they're true. Should they cease to be useful, find different lies.

Feeling some Meatloaf right about now:
Gotta love Meatloaf!

Quote:
Originally Posted by berserker239 View Post
Im lost, lost like i was 2 years ago, then i met a girl and everything came into clarity. Now shes gone and everything is out of focus.
If this is the centre of your problem...I feel for you dude....I really do. People are nothing if not unreliable. Not stable enough to serve as a foundation for your own identity anyways. You need to find your own centre. There are places that can help you with that...and it sounds like you found one of them...

Quote:
Originally Posted by berserker239 View Post
Thats the whole reason im joining. My recruiter missed our appointment and never called back so idk what im gonna do. Maybe just go down there. I hope your doing better, my friend.
Go down...and harp on them. If army recruiters will admire anything...it'll be a refusal to give up. Take the initiative and show the recruiter you want it. Drop the weed though...that'll bury your chances.
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Old 12-06-2009, 05:43 AM
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berserker239 berserker239 is offline
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I appreciate everyone's comments and concerns. Maybe ill remember who i am, though i dont believe itll be anytime soon...
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  #6  
Old 12-06-2009, 06:18 AM
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Legion Legion is offline
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wow, that's a heavy bit to write, thanks for opening up and sharing that. I don't know what to say other than I know that feeling; I've been there and just reading your post sort of reminded me that maybe nothing matters at all, really. I feel like in those times, when you feel like you're "lost", you don't know anything, nothing matters, who you thought you were is now just an empty shell.... maybe that's the times when you're really NOT "lost", when you're really in touch with the way things really are, and when you've met a new girl who sweeps you up into bliss or you get involved in some games or social interaction... maybe THAT'S when you're actually "lost"... caught up in the illusions that life has to offer rather than facing the stark desert of reality.

It's a bit of a dark philosophy... but even thinking/believing along those lines doesn't preclude enjoying your life.

I doubt I've helped, but maybe in some way at least knowing you're not alone helps?
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  #7  
Old 12-06-2009, 06:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
If everything's a lie, then find the most useful lies and act as if they're true. Should they cease to be useful, find different lies.

Feeling some Meatloaf right about now:

"It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out

"It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about

"It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back!"

I think once all the pieces have finished falling, you'll then be able to rebuild. That's what's worked for me in the past. I let it all fall down and then built something different.
God there was a time I listened to that song OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND...
You get the picture.

Yes Berserker-I think many of us have been there. I know I have. It's hard to see through the haze of b.s. when it seems like the world is waiting to kick you AGAIN while you are down.

Unfortunately no amount of apologies from any of us are going to help either. Because somewhere inside of yourself-you have to find that small, barely beating heart, that tiny little spark of yourself that you can slowly, calmly stoke into a fire again.

Like "your people" did before you, you have to find that tiny little ember and nurse it along until it's safe and reasonable and useful to build another fire. Then you patiently let a few pieces of hair start to smolder, blow a light almost kiss like breath across the smoldering hair and add a little piece of straw or fuzz or grass. As the ember grows from a tiny little black warmth into a smoldering, smokey pile of fuzz you blow a little more-with more energy and add some more kindling, eventually you'll have a raging fire again and find your, as of yet unrealized, full potential.

Mind you-no woman is going to bring that to you. You'll have to find it yourself. But you can find it. Your posts show you have enough spit and vinegar in your to fight for it. Your post to Mono shows you also have the necessary compassion and heart to patiently nurse that ember. Be gentle with yourself.
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  #8  
Old 12-06-2009, 04:01 PM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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Quote:
Im lost, lost like i was 2 years ago, then i met a girl and everything came into clarity. Now shes gone and everything is out of focus.
I've always thought the idea behind "I'm nothing without you" is a really shitty sentiment. I understand loss, confusion and the pain of relationships breaking apart, but perhaps this is telling.

If you're making your relationships themselves the key part of your identity, you're putting who you are in the hands of others. Also, you're bound to doomed relationships; the don't survive without unique, autonomous individuals.

Quote:
I forget who the hell i am anymore, what i stand for, believe in, want, care for, etc.
Find a cause, man. "Everything" is an awefully lot to discount. There's something, somewhere, you can be passionate about. Finding that thing might be a bit of work and it will certainly require some introspection, but once you find it you can build up from there. You'll meet people, friends, allies, confidants. Relationships blossom from there, and you'll have common things that bind you, not JUST the relationship.
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  #9  
Old 12-06-2009, 05:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Everyone has gone through this or will go through it at least once. It may not seem like things will EVER get better, but keep going through the motions every day and try to get involved in a hobby or something that pleases you which does not depend on other people (such as books, art, music, hiking, or even volunteer work, which involves people, but can be directed to a cause that focuses on something else, such as animals).
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  #10  
Old 12-06-2009, 05:35 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by berserker239 View Post
God i wish my people never became modernized and we still hunted buffalo with sticks and arrows . . .

How does one rediscover one's self?
Maybe you need to go on a vision quest, BrotherMan.
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