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  #1  
Old 08-01-2012, 01:26 PM
blahblah blahblah is offline
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Default not sure what to do

Kinda on my last line here I guess so i thought i'd give this a shot. sorry this is so long

My gf about 4 months ago cheated on me with a man, though I knew she had fantasies about him all the time, they became close. It wasnt a surprise but was really difficult. I live about 3 hours away but do see her at least twice a month for long weeks...

instead of cutting off the relationship, I was open to having her sleep with him. I also decided I should meet him. At first it was weird and akward. But hes a total nice guy. He knew that I was open to her sleeping with him. The first night I met him it got weird fast, They were kissing and going out for smoke breaks, and she would text me asking if she could sleep with him (and granted i was visiting and only had a limited days with er, and well i just met the guy), she didnt end up sleeping with him that night but the three of us did have a talk i explained to him how i was hurt but I was open to the idea of them being together. I laid some ground rules, which were basically "please dont have sex everyday". Of course that was futile and they did. She would disapear for hours on end and I wouldnt hear from her.

a few weeks later i went to visit my gf. well as she picked me up from the bus station and we got in a cab she was really anxious to go get food together. well come to find out this guy was sleeping in her bed. I guess they hung out the night before etc. She knew i was coming for weeks but whatever. I ran into him as he was leaving her apartment and we said we'd all chill later that night.

we all got along better. It seemed like this could work. She also started having sex with me less and less. she said she "wasnt attracted to me" anymore but then realized it was guilt she was feeling as if she was cheating on this other dude. we sort of worked it out, but our sex life was less and less

we still would see eachother and be romantic, and she claimed poly more and more. Summer hit and this dude had to go away for a job during the summer. I would go up and visit my gf or she would come here. I became closer to the dude. When she was over here i surprised her by having him skype with her to wake her up, or when i was over her place i'd do the same thing as week. he and i talked in detail about this situation and how its odd but we felt ok with it. His parents are pretty open so he told them and they were accepting. We even agreed to both go halfs on a ring for her as gift to give her when he gets back. We both have a lot of common interest too so we get along fairly well

He came back and he actually during the summer lives by me, so she came to visit for 8 days, 4 with him 4 with me. I knew that if she spent 4 days with him it would be unfiair to just rip them apart so i invited him to hang with out the first day even crash her if need be. She is madly in love with him and I knew it would damper So 4 days pass she comes here with him We gave her the ring she loved it kissed us both etc and has been def more touchy feely on the both of us. But I can tell shes way more into him then me. It sounds strange and i feel like a complete jerk. but shes more willing to kiss him. we all slept in my bed together and cuddled with her but something feels off i dont know.

to top it off i havent spent any alone time with her on this trip. as i type this they are in my bed sleeping. he was only suppose to be here one night but now hes been here two and on his third day here. All we've been doing is watching movies i took a vacation for this. Granted shes been sick I guess but shes also been really cuddley with him. she'll come over and give me a quick kiss or something Im trying not to let it get to me, and maybe im over reacting but it doesnt feel equal. i am all about it being equal and i dont need a ton of alone time with her, but this fall theyre practically going to be living together, then going abroad together, I will still be three hours away and limited on visits.

The thing is with this dude is hes very quiet and closed off. i on the other hand am vocal and wantto express feelings. I tried last night to "check in" to see how everyone feels. i didnt get much out of either of them, just that its fine etc. but we havent really discussed the situation all 3 of us together since april. they just seem off in their own little world though. But whenever shes having an issue with him she always leans on me and i always defend him pretty much in any situation. cause well, i genuinely do think hes a good guy. their have been times shes talked to me for hours about her issues with him and i've always been there. ive been paying for their food the days theyve been here (and he was supose to go halfs on the ring, but hasnt offered to pay me yet). granted they both are college students and i have a job..but this feels weird.

my gf is really claiming poly and im all for it, but it doesnt feel like it, and i feel like im getting the short end of the stick here. like i said im typing this and i can see them cuddling in my bed. it doesnt hurt so much that they are doing that, it hurts that this doesnt feel even at all. the priority seems him now and im just in the way. she sobbed at the thought of him going home this week while shes at my place, so i feel like i cant even tell the guy to leave or she'll lose it or just go back to his place. I completely understand i guess things cant be even, but is it weird she hasnt even offered to see if i wanted alone time with her, after shes been with him for 4 days well, i guess going on 6 now...am i just being used?

anyways i know this sounds like a mess, im leaving some really personal things out too. which might be critical to the situation but i dont know
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  #2  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Kudos for working through the cheating start. That's not easy.

I'm not sure you all three have sat down to discuss what this new polyship will have for rights and responsibilities. These are my playbook for how I roll.

She sounds caught up in NRE -- new relationship energy and not balacing out with the ORE -- your older relationship that's already established.

So... I'd bring it up to both. Get a plan for the next (time frame?) to see how to best deal in time management so that some of your needs are being met too.

We don't all always get the megaHAPPY... but we can strive for "a reasonable happy medium" for all.

GL!
GalaGirl
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Old 08-01-2012, 02:07 PM
blahblah blahblah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Kudos for working through the cheating start. That's not easy.

I'm not sure you all three have sat down to discuss what this new polyship will have for rights and responsibilities. These are my playbook for how I roll.

She sounds caught up in NRE -- new relationship energy and not balacing out with the ORE -- your older relationship that's already established.

So... I'd bring it up to both. Get a plan for the next (time frame?) to see how to best deal in time management so that some of your needs are being met too.

We don't all always get the megaHAPPY... but we can strive for "a reasonable happy medium" for all.

GL!
GalaGirl

yeah i dont think any of my needs are being met at all right now. its very odd. like i get they havent seen each other for 2 months, thats why i let them totally be those 4 days, that ahould be theres, andtheres alone, but the next 48 hours shes here, i doubt i will have time alone with her now. it seems on edge if i would suggest that he leave to give us time alone. they are going to be "living together" in the fall and going to paris together in the spring so i mean at some point where do i say "come on what about me?" im trying not to be selfish, i barely get to see her though. i dont know what to do.
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  #4  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:14 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You speak up NOW and say "Alright, I'm happy for you guys. im trying not to be selfish, i barely get to see her though. So... can I have these next few days alone now? Is that reasonable?"

After you get past that point and hopefully enjoy the down time with your shared Sweetie to reconnect with just her...

"Thanks, guys. I needed that. Listen, when can we have a talk in Trio? There's changes coming with you living together and Paris -- can I be included in a conversation about how I fit into things over the next year so I too can map out other parts of my life? What time is a good appt time in the next few weeks?"

And no further and see how that it received.

Reasonable people (even if all pink fluffy lala NRE cloudy) will realize -- "oh! We've been all pink fluffy cloud lala! Crap! We need to be in right relationship here -- sorry, dude. Our bad!"

And will TRY to work with you on finding the happy medium.

But YOU have the responsibility to KNOW and STATE your wants, needs and limits. Get the convo ball rolling. Nobody is a mind reader.

Move it forward.


HTH!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-01-2012 at 02:16 PM.
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  #5  
Old 08-01-2012, 03:07 PM
blahblah blahblah is offline
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yeah i tried that last night a bit. but i got shot down with "everythings fine" tho i should have pressed it more.

she seriously came out to the kitchen a bit ok "hey sorry we havent been sexual, but next time we see eachother we will be" which is in two months i guess, hes still here though. and i guess hes gonna be here for the next two so yeah

basically she had 4 days with him alone, i get no personal time with her, basically she told me to deal with it and that im "overreacting"
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  #6  
Old 08-01-2012, 03:33 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blahblah View Post
yeah i tried that last night a bit. but i got shot down with "everythings fine" tho i should have pressed it more.
You should have said "No everything is not fine. I am feeling {insert your exact feelings here}

Quote:
Originally Posted by blahblah View Post
she seriously came out to the kitchen a bit ok "hey sorry we havent been sexual, but next time we see eachother we will be" which is in two months i guess, hes still here though. and i guess hes gonna be here for the next two so yeah
If they are at your house you have every right to tell him he needs to go home. It is YOUR home. You have every right to ask for what you need for a relationship. Stop being a doormat.

My husband has the right to say "Hey kind of feeling neglected over here" when he feels I am giving my boyfriend too much of my time. He has every right to feel that way. Sometimes he DOES have a reason to feel like that. Others he has forgotten he had me to himself the whole week prior to my going to see my boyfriend for the weekend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blahblah View Post
basically she had 4 days with him alone, i get no personal time with her, basically she told me to deal with it and that im "overreacting"
Now I usually hate the tit of tat comparison. My husband does it sometimes.. But in your case I do feel you are getting shafted. You need to stand up for yourself and do what is in your best interests. They may not realize what they are doing to you. Or maybe they do..
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  #7  
Old 08-01-2012, 05:27 PM
TheCubist TheCubist is offline
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I'm no polyamory expert, but looking at it from here I notice that this polyamory thing was forced on you. It was either that or hit the bricks. I get the impression you went along with it simply to be able to hold on to her.

By invoking polyamory, she was able to avoid a messy scene and be branded as a cheater. Now it's your problem.

She said she's not attracted to you anymore. I'm not sure it's realistic to say she didn't mean it. She said it. And her reluctance to have sex with you is the actions behind the words.

You've been edged out. He moved into your bed and is banging your girlfriend every chance they get. Now they're going to Paris (this is where I currently live) which is THE most romantic city on the planet. Then they're moving in together.

She's promising sex with you in the next 3 months? I believe she's hoping you'll be gone for good by then.

I suggest you recover the little dignity you have left and get out. Or in the very least, get yourself another girlfriend for those long dry spells with the current one.
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  #8  
Old 08-01-2012, 09:59 PM
blahblah blahblah is offline
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Well, he left. We had sex. But imeditly After she started talking about the other dude. I dunno it just seems that's where her mind is.
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  #9  
Old 08-01-2012, 10:22 PM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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Default Act Now!

Get to acting on the advice that has been given, that would be my advice to you. If you continue to set a precedent that you can be walked all over in this relationship, that is exactly what you are going to continue to get. Stand up now! If not, I think it could be all downhill for you from here. Best of luck to you.

Skater21
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There can be no failure to a man who has not lost his courage, his character, his self respect or his self-confidence. He is still a King - Orison Swett Marden
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  #10  
Old 08-01-2012, 10:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I have to concur.

Get a FIRMER want, need, limit out of her.

State your want, need, limit.


Something like...

Quote:
GF, where we at? At this time? At this place?

I want a relationship with you. I am ok sharing you with Dude.

I need attention though, and that means regular time spent with me and in right relationship with me. Not me getting leftovers whenever handiest for you. I can make allowance for NRE, but hello? What am I? Chopped Liver? I cannot plan the rest of my life just being in the wings waiting to get feedback from you. What if I want to date others? What if I want to change jobs? What if... so tell me what times you are committed to spending with me to grow our "You + me" tier of the the polyship we share here. I can arrange my life to schedule those times to be free to be with you.

I have a limit -- if this is not the Thing any more, I need to know that clearly. Is there a Thing here any more? If yes, let's get the time management balance back to rights and grow the Thing.

If not a Thing any more, let's agree to part ways and not leave me hanging. We can be friends. But treat me nicely either way.

What are YOUR wants, needs, limits? I would like to hear your side of things.

And see what happens.

GG
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