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Old 07-31-2012, 10:33 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Hello Newgirl,
I have some suggestions for you. Slow down. Way, way slow. There is a bit of a frenzied energy to your posts, as if you decided to be poly and need to find someone now, now, now! Take some time to breathe, and do a little reading before moving forward. Some couples take years of working things out between them, establishing boundaries, and figuring out what they want before they even start looking for an additional partner. Finding someone through online dating can take weeks or even months of exchanging emails or talking/chatting before you even meet that person (and I advise making a rule to not send noodz to anyone ever - you never know what they will do with them!). There is no hurry to either find a new person for a relationship or post here just yet. Get a grasp on things first.

Start with the Glossary and Definitions thread here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1720

Then look at some books on poly, such as Opening Up by Tristan Taormino or the Ethical Slut. If you can't afford to buy one, go to a Barnes & Noble or library and read them there. Write down questions as you think of them, talk things over with hubby. Tristan Taormino makes some checklists from Opening Up which you can download for free to use as a basis for discussing everything with your husband, go here: http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Take your t i m e ! The right person will be there when you are ready, don't worry! And by being ready, I mean grounded in the stability and foundation of your marriage, having a clear understanding of what poly is, and willing to face any changes in your relationship that will undoubtedly happen.

You got a tad defensive when AutumnalTone teased you a little about being new, so I hope you did not miss the other things he wrote to you:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I'll offer some suggestions for future interactions.

•No more than two messages of any sort in a day. Doesn't matter how exciting you find the interaction, you're likely responding as much to the idea of finding somebody new as to the actual person.

•Hang back about meeting people in person. Allow time--and this is measured in actual days and weeks and not by the volume of words traded in messages--for eveybody to process through the initial rush of excitement prior to stepping up the intensity.

Time is your best friend in keeping things manageable. Adolescents rush into things blindly; adults show a bit of restraint based on understanding how these things work.

•If you're uncomfortable with the idea of people seeing nude images of you, don't send any until you've known the recipient for a long while. Period. That, for most people, is a major step and not something to be done shortly after meeting somebody else.
Regarding the unicorn thing - the term "unicorn" is basically a metaphor for a mythical creature that is highly sought after but, being mythical, impossible to find. The term is not restricted to use among polyamorists. Anyone out there can use it to refer to something that is much desired and impossible to attain. I could say that I am seeking a unicorn when I try to find the perfect job, for example. In poly circles, we apply the phrase "unicorn hunter" to couples who are usually new to poly and looking for the "hot bi babe" to "complete" them or "add to" their relationship, and "unicorn" to the mythical (read: non-existent) bisexual woman who will love both of them equally, move in, and be faithful only to them. The couple thinks they have so much wonderfulness to share that any single bi woman would jump at the chance. They are living in a fantasy world, trying to orchestrate this perfect relationship with a "Couple Plus One" when it really should be One Plus One Plus One. The phrases "unicorn hunter" and "unicorn" are really a form of ridicule within the context of poly, because there is no such thing as a unicorn (or the perfect woman!!!).

That's why someone suggested looking for a real person. It will always be a lose-lose situation if you have an idea of who you want and try to fit people into that, instead of meeting people, getting to know them, and seeing if it will work out. And that's also why most couples experience disaster when they look for a unicorn and instead wind up much happier dating people separately, who just really fit without trying. Or we often hear that the truly successful triads "just happened" without looking for it . For more info about the whole unicorn thing in poly, do a tag search here on the word unicorn, or read these threads as a start: Added to, Joining In and What's in it for a unicorn?

I hope this was helpful in some way. Now... breathe... and read up.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 07-31-2012 at 10:45 PM.
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