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  #21  
Old 07-31-2012, 09:28 PM
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Seraphic Seraphic is offline
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My boyfriend has said similar things as stated above. He's watched my husband throw tantrums to get what he wants and it makes the BF upset because there's nothing he can do about it (he lives in Edmonton, I live in Los Angeles...for now).

My husband is a brilliant man... 98% on the MENSA entry test (so, he's good at math, really)...but he has the social skills of a fly. I gave him two things for Father's Day--one was a pepper plant I knew he'd like and the other was a utility belt for a coffee mug to organize pens, scissors, etc. He tossed the utility thing to the side and said, "That's something I'll never use..." When I explained to him how that was rather hurtful, he explained how it was a gift and his reaction shouldn't bear any weight to my giving it. If I was expecting him to be happy, then it wasn't a gift. I differed with him on that and pointed out MANY times he'd actually badgered me repeatedly, even after I gushed about a poem he'd written me, and he said, "You're absolutely right. That was meant to be a gift and it wasn't."

I don't understand his brain. I said that I'd always been taught that when someone gives you a gift, no matter how awful it is or how useless you'd find it, you accept it with grace and gratitude...not say, "This is useless..." and toss it to the side. Especially when I'd really thought hard about what to get (because the thought is the important, albeit completely unmentioned, part).

We had an incident over this past weekend that resulted in me being very resentful to him. I told him about it the day after it happened and he had no memory of the event....which is bad because it involved him pitching a tantrum in front of the BF whilst the BF and I were finally spending some time together (he works nights, so I don't get to see him much during the week). I got to spend 10 minutes on a Skype call with the BF before I had to appease the tantrum and go to bed WAY early... So, yeah...stressful weekend that did not include my time spent with the BF at all....even though I was given the whole day Saturday... The BF had to clean his apartment, I had a major paper, and the BF got called into work for 7 hours. So...we spent....30 minutes together Saturday. Sunday, we had 2 hours... so, I guess it all evens out, huh. <sigh>

GG, I'm getting closer to ready to take action....I have followed your links...but, I still feel very helpless to do anything and I really don't want to hurt the hubby because I know he *does* love me.
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  #22  
Old 07-31-2012, 10:48 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Do you think it's possible your husband might have a personality disorder? I'm not highly educated on them or anything, but this could be a much deeper issue, what with you mentioning his lack of social skills and all.

His tantrums just sound... off.
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  #23  
Old 07-31-2012, 11:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Look, whether from evil intent or mental disease -- abuse is still abuse.

It doesn't matter if he loves you or not. Maybe he really does and is suffering mental illness. Maybe he only says he does and he's a dickhead.

I wouldn't know. I am not there. You are. Sigh.
  • The point is that how he behaves to you is NOT normal. This is true either way.
  • You are being treated badly. This is true either way.
  • You have the right to fair, kind treatment. You are a person of worth, dignity, value, and respect. This is DEFINITELY true either way.

So as some anon internet person, all I can do is try to point you in a direction. Seek pro help on the local level as soon as realistically possible for you. If all else fails, call 911 and check YOURSELF into hospital so you can be in a safe space. Bills galore later, sure, but better bills than dead.

Sigh.

I am not there. I do not know the gravity/danger level you could be in or how free you can be.

I had to get my own mom to take it to speakoutloud paper to finally see and finally accept my dad was NOT WELL and we needed to get him to hospital. He insisted he wasn't going and I got his butt over there with a courthouse order for involuntary commitment. Now he's on meds for his bipolar out again and both parents are doing much better. But til then? He had gotten too unsafe to be around. It was sheer hell over there! And I love my Dad. But he was seriously ILL.

So your guy -- whether abusive from illness or from evil intent -- I cannot make that call. You have to see. But I am smelling abuse of some kind there.

I think you will do what you need to do when you are ready to do it. I have faith in you that you will, in your own way, in your own time. If you need time to gather your forces, I get that. You can at least "get out" enough to Internet to be able to post here, so you have something. You can Google and read. You can figure out where the things in your town are. You can think it out.

Your own well being, finances, home, how to rebuild life -- all these things are hard questions that need time to be thought out.

Sometimes you sits and thinks. Sometimes you just sits.

I get that. You are in a hard place to be in. The betwixt and between place of overwhelmed. *hug*

I want you to know you are totally fine doing what you gotta do to survive to the point where you ARE ready to try something else. The leaving time can be a dangerous time. Plan it well in case of retaliation. Please be careful with yourself but not SO careful that you never move yourself forward.

Just keep doing it -- moving it forward to wherever "forward" is for you in baby, baby steps if that's the size they need to be.

Know others are rooting for you and hoping you will someday be safe and sound. You have value, worth and dignity. Always!

Worried, but Peace and namaste.
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-01-2012 at 03:00 AM.
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  #24  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:52 AM
strixish strixish is offline
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I just want to add my voice to the chorus, that what you are describing sounds like abuse. I would like to encourage you to not take this too lightly.

I'm usually the type of person to encourage people to explore polyamory, to push their boundaries and open themselves to love. In this situation, you should make a concerted effort to put yourself, and your safety, ahead of either of your relationships.

I've been in an abusive situation in my past, with someone who was prone to tanrums and throwing things, but who never hit me, though there were sometimes threats. And when I chose to leave, it was a very good thing I had hidden the gun. I lived to tell the tale. I got help where I could, and got away.

And I have to tell you, it gets better. So, so much better. It's been some years, and I'm still recovering, but I would not even have been able to imagine how much happier life would be away from the abuse.

Even if you don't leave now, just make a plan. Figure out what you would need, where you would go, and who could help you. Even if you don't think you'll ever act on it, just make a plan to get out. Work out the details in your head, and hold onto that. I'm not asking you to do anything if you don't want to do it. Just make a plan, that's all.
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  #25  
Old 10-29-2012, 03:37 AM
Sexwithsomeoneelseswife Sexwithsomeoneelseswife is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraphic View Post
My boyfriend has said similar things as stated above. He's watched my husband throw tantrums to get what he wants and it makes the BF upset because there's nothing he can do about it (he lives in Edmonton, I live in Los Angeles...for now).

My husband is a brilliant man... 98% on the MENSA entry test (so, he's good at math, really)...but he has the social skills of a fly. I gave him two things for Father's Day--one was a pepper plant I knew he'd like and the other was a utility belt for a coffee mug to organize pens, scissors, etc. He tossed the utility thing to the side and said, "That's something I'll never use..." When I explained to him how that was rather hurtful, he explained how it was a gift and his reaction shouldn't bear any weight to my giving it. If I was expecting him to be happy, then it wasn't a gift. I differed with him on that and pointed out MANY times he'd actually badgered me repeatedly, even after I gushed about a poem he'd written me, and he said, "You're absolutely right. That was meant to be a gift and it wasn't."

I don't understand his brain. I said that I'd always been taught that when someone gives you a gift, no matter how awful it is or how useless you'd find it, you accept it with grace and gratitude...not say, "This is useless..." and toss it to the side. Especially when I'd really thought hard about what to get (because the thought is the important, albeit completely unmentioned, part).

We had an incident over this past weekend that resulted in me being very resentful to him. I told him about it the day after it happened and he had no memory of the event....which is bad because it involved him pitching a tantrum in front of the BF whilst the BF and I were finally spending some time together (he works nights, so I don't get to see him much during the week). I got to spend 10 minutes on a Skype call with the BF before I had to appease the tantrum and go to bed WAY early... So, yeah...stressful weekend that did not include my time spent with the BF at all....even though I was given the whole day Saturday... The BF had to clean his apartment, I had a major paper, and the BF got called into work for 7 hours. So...we spent....30 minutes together Saturday. Sunday, we had 2 hours... so, I guess it all evens out, huh. <sigh>

GG, I'm getting closer to ready to take action....I have followed your links...but, I still feel very helpless to do anything and I really don't want to hurt the hubby because I know he *does* love me.
How's it now? Your post came up when I searched for a M. I hope things are okay for you, hun.
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  #26  
Old 10-29-2012, 04:21 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraphic View Post
My boyfriend has said similar things as stated above. He's watched my husband throw tantrums to get what he wants and it makes the BF upset because there's nothing he can do about it (he lives in Edmonton, I live in Los Angeles...for now).

My husband is a brilliant man... 98% on the MENSA entry test (so, he's good at math, really)...but he has the social skills of a fly. I gave him two things for Father's Day--one was a pepper plant I knew he'd like and the other was a utility belt for a coffee mug to organize pens, scissors, etc. He tossed the utility thing to the side and said, "That's something I'll never use..." When I explained to him how that was rather hurtful, he explained how it was a gift and his reaction shouldn't bear any weight to my giving it. If I was expecting him to be happy, then it wasn't a gift. I differed with him on that and pointed out MANY times he'd actually badgered me repeatedly, even after I gushed about a poem he'd written me, and he said, "You're absolutely right. That was meant to be a gift and it wasn't."

I don't understand his brain. I said that I'd always been taught that when someone gives you a gift, no matter how awful it is or how useless you'd find it, you accept it with grace and gratitude...not say, "This is useless..." and toss it to the side. Especially when I'd really thought hard about what to get (because the thought is the important, albeit completely unmentioned, part).

We had an incident over this past weekend that resulted in me being very resentful to him. I told him about it the day after it happened and he had no memory of the event....which is bad because it involved him pitching a tantrum in front of the BF whilst the BF and I were finally spending some time together (he works nights, so I don't get to see him much during the week). I got to spend 10 minutes on a Skype call with the BF before I had to appease the tantrum and go to bed WAY early... So, yeah...stressful weekend that did not include my time spent with the BF at all....even though I was given the whole day Saturday... The BF had to clean his apartment, I had a major paper, and the BF got called into work for 7 hours. So...we spent....30 minutes together Saturday. Sunday, we had 2 hours... so, I guess it all evens out, huh. <sigh>

GG, I'm getting closer to ready to take action....I have followed your links...but, I still feel very helpless to do anything and I really don't want to hurt the hubby because I know he *does* love me.
Love is an action. What actions of his show his love for you, because all I'm seeing in your posts is a lot of disrespect and bullying. I see a lot of what was going on in my marriage--the physical threats even though he never laid a hand on me, the dismissing my gifts with that same attitude, the bullying me into sex whenever he wanted it regardless of how I felt, and more--and I have never been happier in my life than since I filed and let him know I wasn't his emotional punching bag.

Tossing a gift aside that way IS hurtful and cruel. It's a way of putting someone down, letting them know they failed, keeping them off balance.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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  #27  
Old 10-29-2012, 04:57 PM
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Seraphic Seraphic is offline
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Update (since I'm really terrible at this stuff and feel like I'm bringing other people down)

I just got back from roughly 10 days with my BF in Canada. Despite the fact it's frickin' freezing there (and only going to be worse), and my BF had to work a good portion of the time I was there.... it was the best 10 days of my life. Mostly. I didn't realize one could live in a completely stress-free, loving existence. His biggest gift to me was an oyster & steak dinner and his biggest joy was just watching me enjoy the oysters (haven't been able to eat them for nearly 10 years...whole other story irrelevant to this one).

The stress would come when my husband would get on me about not messaging/e-mailing him first thing in my morning to tell him what our plans were for the day. He was upset that I'd wait til after the BF went to work for me to talk to him (hubs). I had internet connectivity issues at the beginning part of the week (Tuesday-Thursday) and would have to use my BF's computer (which I spent most of my Thursday upgrading). Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I ended up going to bed in tears and waking up in the morning making sure my BF was happy with me.

I've just taken to the fact that if I'm not with the husband, I'm not allowed to have fun or be my own person and I shouldn't bother trying because it will *always* be seen as a slight. Which, I'm sure it is.

So, that's the best update I have.
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