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  #11  
Old 07-31-2012, 01:02 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Well, its been a couple of weeks, but things haven't really calmed down yet.

Husband and his GF are still communicating through text and email, she's coming back to town next week, and I'm pretty sure they'll meet... but it's very unclear where things are, what he wants or needs or expects, and where this is all gonna go. So, a lot of emotional upheaval there, confusion and hurt.

And to bring this back to what this topic was originally about.. the whole situation is causing a major shift in the balance we had achieved over the past couple of months. Because my husband is going through this break-up that nobody even knows if its really a break up, he's very vulnerable, and is experiencing jealousy and insecurities when it comes to my relationships. It's funny because I always used to be the insecure one, and now its him.

It's gotten to the point where he is asking me not to see my boyfriend. My dates with him are on the same schedule as 4 months ago, but all of a sudden husband says things are going too fast, its too soon, etc.

Now, I really want to help him.. but it's confusing and complicated. There's my boyfriend, who lives in another city.. I'm his only partner, we love each other, enjoy spending time together. He is VERY understanding (and he has met my husband a couple of times, they get on quite well, he knows about the difficult stuff husband is going through, and he always asks how he is etc.) but still it makes me feel horrible to tell him 'I can't come and see you for 10 days because my husband is freaking out and he needs me for himself for a bit'. Yet, this is the email I have to write today or tomorrow.

And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.

Today I felt really really sad and was thinking is this all worth it? I feel I am capable of loving more than one.. I even feel that my marriage is strong enough to do this.. but on days like today I feel like it's just too damn complicated. And then I even find myself wishing that my husband won't break up with his GF because of this ugly balance-shift. And the next minute I feel that she is one of the reasons he's feeling so insecure (after all, she cheated on him) and that she will only bring more drama... but then again, it's not up to me to decide for him, but what CAN I decide? it just seems like I have no power here. Ugh.
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the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


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  #12  
Old 07-31-2012, 07:18 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm so sorry things haven't settled down. It's really awful that its now been complicated by him wanting you to draw back from your other relationship.

Truth is, I hold my husband's partners to the same level of expectation as I do for infidelity. If he cheated on me, we would break up, if his partner cheated on him and he wanted to keep seeing her, I would have to break up with him. I don't like to gamble with my sexual health when the odds are bad, fool me once, etc etc.

I also would not want to set up that precedent for the rest of my life, where he feels free to choose partners that treat him badly or break agreements, then I have to deal with repeated drama and fallout. I get the feeling people with a stable partner at home do that sometimes, they make more allowance for other partners, and accept stuff they wouldn't if they were single and looking for a husband or wife. If my husband wants to date somebody with issues, so be it, but if they regularly spill over onto our relationship, not OK with me.

I know some people feel strongly that nobody has any rights about who their partners choose to partner with, but when your life and other relationship are being so affected by this (and your husband is trying to now change your other relationship for no wrongdoing on either of your parts) I don't know that applies.

If you feel horrible about not seeing your bf for 10 days but are willing to do it, then write that, and let your husband know what you wrote too. "Sweetie I feel horrible about this, but this one time my husband needs me to back off for a bit, and I am willing to do it because he is struggling, but I want to let you know that it won't be repeated unless there is a horrible crisis like disease or death, because I know it's not fair to you"

10 days isn't so long in the scheme of things. Of course I don't think your husband needs you for any healthy reasons, so that's why I'd be clear this was a one time deal. On the other hand, if you feel strongly about this, you can set a precedent for yourself and say NO, because it doesn't make sense that you or he would be punished for issues with him and his "ex"gf. Only you know if he would somehow punish you for that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.
So just to clear things up for you, I think your needs should come at least slightly ahead anybody else involved. What ARE they?
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  #13  
Old 08-01-2012, 12:20 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
...Because my husband is going through this break-up that nobody even knows if its really a break up, he's very vulnerable, and is experiencing jealousy and insecurities when it comes to my relationships . . .

It's gotten to the point where he is asking me not to see my boyfriend. My dates with him are on the same schedule as 4 months ago, but all of a sudden husband says things are going too fast, its too soon, etc.

Now, I really want to help him.. but it's confusing and complicated . . . And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.
You've said everything here that I would say to my husband if I were you:
"Look honey, I know things are confusing, and you're upset and feeling vulnerable, and I want to be there for you as much as I can. But I have needs, too, and so does my BF. You say things are going too fast with me, when nothing has changed at all from what it was before. So, obviously, you're looking at it through your inner turmoil, and my limiting time with the BF isn't really going to lessen your turmoil.

I made a commitment to both of you, and I can't hold your hand every minute of the day, so you have to figure out how to get through this and what I can do to support you, but I won't put my other relationship on hold just because you're feeling insecure. He's an important part of my life and it's unfair for me to set him aside. Let me show you that I can be there for you and still have time for him."
Sorry, I do often write "scripts" like this, just because it's easier than trying to paraphrase what I think you could address. Of course, I'm not really telling you what to say, and you would phrase it in a way that feels natural to you, but that is my take on your situation. I believe in relationship triage, but I also feel that one's partners have to trust that we can manage all of our multiple relationships as we see fit, and no one's insecurities (even a spouse's) should dictate how or when to spend time with another love.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-01-2012 at 01:46 PM.
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  #14  
Old 08-01-2012, 01:42 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post

So just to clear things up for you, I think your needs should come at least slightly ahead anybody else involved. What ARE they?
Yeah, that's a really good question and something I need to work on: knowing my own needs.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in not wanting to hurt / disaappoint others, that I don't really know anymore, what is the actual reason behind me wanting something.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


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There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
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  #15  
Old 08-01-2012, 01:59 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You've said everything here that I would say to my husband if I were you:
"Look honey, I know things are confusing, and you're upset and feeling vulnerable, and I want to be there for you as much as I can. But I have needs, too, and so does my BF. You say things are going too fast with me, when nothing has changed at all from what it was before. So, obviously, you're looking at it through your inner turmoil, and my limiting time with the BF isn't really going to lessen your turmoil.

I made a commitment to both of you, and I can't hold your hand every minute of the day, so you have to figure out how to get through this and what I can do to support you, but I won't put my other relationship on hold just because you're feeling insecure. He's an important part of my life and it's unfair for me to set him aside. Let me show you that I can be there for you and still have time for him."
Sorry, I do often write "scripts" like this, just because it's easier than trying to paraphrase what I think you could address. Of course, I'm not really telling you what to say, and you would phrase it in a way that feels natural to you, but that is my take on your situation.
Thanks nycindie. We had a really good talk last night and I actually said much of what you wrote in your 'script' before I even read it
My husband and I have amazing connection and communication between us. When we do sit down and make time to talk, it only takes a couple of minutes before we are really connecting again, listening, understanding.

He started asking me questions, not like interrogating me but out of true interest in my relationship with bf, and I think my answers put him at ease. He also really opened up about his feelings about where things are with ex-or-no-ex gf. We then agreed to spend 3 consecutive evenings together, the beginning of next week. I agreed with him that we had not been spending enough time together, which is not only because of the time we spend with our other partners, but also because of work and other obligations. I guess there was a little too much of the 'taking each other for granted' going on.

So after we agreed on those 3 nights, and were thinking about fun stuff to do together, and agreeing that I would go see my bf after those 3 nights, something happened today... Husband sent me an email and said : so instead of doing 3 consecutive nights, how do you feel if we spend 2 nights, I see L (GF) for 1 night, and then you and I have another date? (she's coming back to town after being away for 2 weeks).
I said sure fine, but in that case I think I'll go see BF when you are with her
and he said sure, that sounds fair, lets do it like that...

So that was some nice and easy negotiating ....

We are progressing, but boy it's hard work sometimes....
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


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There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
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  #16  
Old 08-02-2012, 01:46 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'm glad it all worked out and everyone's happy. Apparently he only needed you a bit to himself meant consecutive 2 nights. Does this mean a slightly shorten version of your trip is back on?

Reading this I could see the potential for many conflicting emotions. You're happy to support him during his troubling time yet it really hurts because it forced you to cancel your 10 day trip and put the other 2 relationships in limbo. You're happy because you both connect and acknowledge the lack of dates, time and attention to each other and the result is a plan to correct it....3 consecutive nights. Its sad and possibly hurtful that 12 hrs later a better/more pressing offer comes up to disrupt the plan. However you're happy because this new plan gives you an op to see the bf. And maybe you didn't want or need 3 consecutive nights you were just being supportive. You almost have to weigh each side ...wow ...very complex.


Looking at his actions and reactions .... sitting here in the cheap seats I'd have a hard time altering my plans too much in the future. Id say its time he got with the program....everything is great when he's dating. "we're" poly when I'm dating ...the world stops when I'm not dating. Time to suck it up.
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  #17  
Old 08-02-2012, 05:06 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Hmm as I read it DH, it was a 10 days of not seeing bf, not a 10 day trip. If I'm wrong I would've responded differently.

I would find it an issue if my husband asked for 3 days with just me, I changed my plans, then he found it inconvenient because his gf is going to be in town so said he didn't need the third. You might have jumped on it because it gave you an easy way to go see your bf but looking at it more objectively, it could set a bad precedent of changing plans to suit him, and I agree with DH - an attitude of "it's fine when he's dating but not when he's not"

I am glad you spoke up for what you wanted though, and please do work on that list of your own needs!
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  #18  
Old 08-02-2012, 06:10 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Yup...great pick up Anne ....my brain inserted a nonexistent " the" in front of 10 days. I guess I need to slow down Luckily it doesn't really alter the substance of my comment.

Don't worry I don't think anyone will hold it against you for agreeing with me second thought there might be a couple don't let it happen again.
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  #19  
Old 08-02-2012, 08:00 PM
GreedyPaul GreedyPaul is offline
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a little background; i am in my first poly relationship. my Mistress, 52F, has been married to her husband, 50M, for 32 years. Her husband had two gf's until one inadvertantly outted the other to her family that didnt know. He now has only one gf. Mistress is my only relationship. i am going through a rough divorce right now. my ex cheated on me several times.

that said, i find cheating unforgivable, based on the reasoning that if you cheat once, you will cheat again. your husbands gf, for whatever reason, has cheated, and in all probability will again. i believe you are right in your discomfort in this. letting her off so ealsiy may be detrimental in your relationship with your husband in the near and distant future.

my Mistress and Her Husband have what they call "Ultimate Veto Power" in reguards to their extra-marital relationships. any and all lovers they have are subject to the approval of their spouse first, and throughout the life of those relationships. before either starts a relationship, the other meets and makes a relationship with the other and decides if this is a beneficial relationship or a toxic threat. all parties agree to the veto power and that His and Her relationship comes first. this must be agreed on by all.

i tell you this in the hopes that you will step back and re-evaluate your relationship with your husband. you married him. he married you. if you love each other, and im sure you do, you need to value this relationship higher than your bf and his gf. they need to know that you do. that you're united in this relationship first. that all others come second. if anybody (cough cough his gf cough cough) senses that you are divided, they will exploit you and him and know that neither of you will take a stand. unity is a must.

i wish nothing but the best for you and all your relationships. please dont take this as insult.

best wishes,
GP
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  #20  
Old 08-03-2012, 08:17 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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dingedheart and Anneintherain, things were a little different than I described and hence different than you interpreted.... That's what happens when I try not to type posts that are too long...
I was actually the one who proposed the '3 nights together' and intially, we did not specify whether they would be consecutive.. just '3 nights the beginning of next week'.

I then sent him an email telling him I blocked 3 nights in my calendar for us, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. This was a typo of mine - I meant Sunday Monday Tuesday, but I'm horible with things like that, and will often say right when I mean left etc
Anyway he then emailed me back and said 'did you mean Sunday Monday Tuesday, or Sunday Monday Wednesday, because if you meant the latter, I could maybe meet the GF on Tuesday.'
And then I said that's fine and then I'll go meet the BF.

dingedheart, yes, it was not going to see the BF for 10 days and not a 10 day visit..
He lives in another city and it takes me about 2 hours to get there. Which is why I visit him about once a week.. if I go see him on weekdays, I have to get up insanely early to make it to work on time, and during the weekends I often have other obligations. Once a week is working fine for us, and 10 days instad of one week really is not that much of a deal to either me or BF. What I was worried about was my husbands neediness.

On the other hand, to me it doesn't really feel like his attitude is that it's fine when he's dating and not when he's not dating.
He's been incredibly supportive of my relationships and still is. He just had a LOT to deal with the past couple of weeks.

3 days after he found out his GF cheated on him and they broke up (its not clear now wether they are broken up, but at that point they were) my BF came to visit my for a long weekend. I was house sitting for a friend and my BF was there with me for 4 days, while my husband was home alone, sad and hurting. Honestly, I don't know if it had been me, if I could have dealt with that. We talked on the phone and met briefly during that time, and he reassured me that he did not want to mess up my weekend with the BF, but it was obvious that he was having a really hard time.
In that light, I did not feel it was that unreasonable that when the drama between him and GF continued, he asked me to slow down just a little bit.

Not unreasonable, but still hard for me to deal with, and upsetting, which was what my post was about.

All that being said, the relationship between him and the GF, is still a major sourc of discussion between us. Very curious and a little scared what will happen when they meet again next week.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


******************************

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen

Last edited by Cleo; 08-03-2012 at 08:23 AM.
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