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  #11  
Old 07-30-2012, 11:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Nrgh. You are asking me to show you my panties! LOL.
Wait...what? Pix or it didn't happen!
LOL. DH says that to me. "Pix or it didn't happen!"

Intimacy in ANY bucket -- the bucket of the mind, body, heart or soul is intimacy to me.

Showing people my body panties (purple with white polka dots today) is a lot easier to me than showing them my Mind panties (where my thinks go) or Soul panties (what lights my inner fire) or Heart panties (where my feelings go).

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Interesting perspectives so far. GalaGirl, I don't understand most of your answer, and I often have difficulty making sense out of the language you use in your long posts, but I appreciate the effort you put into your reply.
No prob. I know I have a tendancy to wax and wane because I tend to check in here close to sleepy time. And I tend to be reflective and fuzzy in focus. If you need me to get sharper any time just kick me and go "Hey! You are floating off, GalaGirl! Come baaaaack! 'splain to me!"

which part needs clarification?

(But thank you for the headThink -- I enjoyed it. )

GG
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  #12  
Old 08-01-2012, 01:26 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I took my time to post in here because it's a tricky subject, but I'll give it my best shot.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How have you known when you were compatible or incompatible with someone? A feeling right away? A conclusion reached after a long period of trying to work? Intuition? Chemistry?
Every time there has been an incompatibility, it started with a feeling right away. However, I tried to make it work anyways, I didn't see it as an incompatibility from the get go, just as a difference. Then after time working on it and things not getting better (sometimes worse), incompatibility would lead to a breakup.

I think it can be a chemical thing, especially if it's sexual compatibility, if you're not sexually attracted to someone or the sex doesn't work for you, that's a pretty big incompatibility. Other times, it's just a feeling you get when you talk to someone and you realise you're on different wavelengths, almost like you're having two different conversations.
There is someting between the two of you that just doesn't work. It can be cultural, it can be political, it can be religious... it doesn't have to cause you to argue endlessly or hate each other, but it can create a disconnect, and that means the potential for intimacy with the person is reduced. I don't think I can feel emotionally intimate with someone if I keep thinking "he doesn't understand me at all!" and "I just don't get him".


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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Is it even anything we can quantify or analyze? What does the word compatible mean to you, with regard to your relationships?
Quantify, maybe not; analyse, definitely. What it means to me, well, see above, that disconnect, that different way of thinking, or feeling, or doing. The kind of thing that makes you feel like you just don't have much in common, like you're from different planets.
I'm French and I've dated people in France, Canada and the US, but I don't think the cultural shock depends on nationality alone. I felt I shared cultural values more with some people in North America than some people in France.
Sometimes it's little thing, like watching the same shows or playing the same games as kids. But these don't matter that much, you can have different experiences, what matters is what you did with them. When someone tells me about the show THEY watched or the game THEY played, I'll know right away if it resonates with me or if I'm just left thinking "what the hell?"

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Are there different kinds of compatibility and is that why poly can work for some seemingly disparate combinations of people?
First half of the question: yes, there definitely is. Sexual, emotional, cultural... There are a bunch of different reasons for people to be incompatible.
I'm not sure what poly changes to that. If I'm incompatible with someone, I'm not going to "fix it" by getting together with someone else. If, say, I'm sexually incompatible with partner A, no amount of amazing sex with partner B will fill my "sexual intimacy with A" gage. That one relationship will still have that one problem. Will it affect me less? Maybe. But then, any incompatibility other than sexual could be "fixed" by being compatible with your friends (which you usually are in many ways, that's why you're friends) and that's just not how it works either.

When I look at it, the partners I'm attracted to, the partners I get along with, they follow the same model. They're the "compatible with Ton" type. Not being 100% perfect for each other is always something you need to be able to live with, but by the time it reaches "incompatibility" status, to me it means the problem is too big and it compromises the relationship.
Because to me "compatible" doesn't mean "100% compatible". It means "at all compatible". And "incompatible" means "sorry, you can't make that aspect of your relationship work". Otherwise you're still compatible, just not perfectly.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How do you handle relationships when incompatibility becomes the obvious problem? And do you think incompatibility can be overcome and result in a satisfying relationship anyway?
In the past, I have tried to work on it hard, and for a long time, and made myself tired, unhappy, and wasted time. At this point, I think it's best to let it go. You can't be with everyone you like who likes you back. And that's fine. They can be part of your life in other ways. I'd rather nurture a relationship that's off to a great start from the beginning than spend the same energy struggling to make a relationship work.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm done with the scarcity model. Sure it's hard when you're in love with the person, but experience has taught me it's harder the longer you hang onto it. I wish I had been less idealistic when I was younger, it would have saved both me and my partners some trouble, and we'd have a better relationship now. Sure it would be a friendship, not a romantic relationship, but these are awesome too.
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  #13  
Old 08-01-2012, 01:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I know I have a tendancy to wax and wane because I tend to check in here close to sleepy time. And I tend to be reflective and fuzzy in focus. If you need me to get sharper any time just kick me and go "Hey! You are floating off, GalaGirl! Come baaaaack! 'splain to me!"

which part needs clarification?
No part in particular. I basically have found that I need to skip your posts altogether. I am sure I could make sense out of most of what you write if I spent time reading it more slowly. I find that I tend to lose focus when reading lo-o-ong posts and then when you write about tiers, buckets, bags, polymath, ghosts, and whatnot, it just makes your posts even harder to follow and your words swim before my eyes. Too much work for me to translate your lingo. I guess I just prefer plain English. I will keep trying, though.
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  #14  
Old 08-01-2012, 01:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ah... ok. Thanks for the feedback! Most appreciated!

I'm experimenting in my writing style to see if I can distill on top in a short version and then float off later. But if I can't, I can't.

I did update my signature though -- chronic patient fuzzy brain/sleepies is a drag. Totally own that, and totally understand it if other people are like "whaaaa?" It happens to me in real life too.

hugs
GG
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  #15  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
chronic patient fuzzy brain/sleepies is a drag.
LOL! See, I'm LOLing because I don't even remotely know what "chronic patient fuzzy brain/sleepies" is supposed to mean! Lingo, slang, jargon, whatever, my universal translator cannot compute. I think our communication styles are just not compatible - which is totally appropriate for this thread!

BTW, I usually skim thru long posts, but there are a few other members here whose posts I totally skip just because they're much too long. So, it's not just you. I have always gone through cycles with my reading - there are times I just cannot slog through a lot of words. Those are the times I reach for a crappy People magazine instead of literature, heh-heh.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-01-2012 at 02:19 PM.
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  #16  
Old 08-01-2012, 04:46 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm the same, despite being guilty of writing long posts too. Sometimes I love a long, detailed, interesting post. Sometimes I see a long post and just skip it. Sometimes I just close the tab of a thread because the first post it too long and I'm having trouble following it.

I do like the way some people do it with a "tl;dr" version. For those who don't know, it stands for "too long, didn't read", and originally it was a criticism people made. Then people started adding a "tl;dr" part at the bottom of their posts, a one or two sentence summary, bold so people could find it easily. And sometimes, now, the summary is added to the beginning of the post, and I like that best. After reading the summary, it's usually much easier to follow the long post, and you don't run the risk of spending a lot of time powering through a post that ends up not really telling you anything you cared about.

I'll try to remember to use that more often myself.
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  #17  
Old 08-01-2012, 10:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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LOL! Don't worry about it. We're all good.

That's what I like about people in this forum. You get to try on a LOT of different styles of communication just in "chatting around on a poly forum" before trying to deal with it in "dating poly people of all styles!"

Quote:
I don't even remotely know what "chronic patient fuzzy brain/sleepies" is supposed to mean!
I am a chronic patient.

You probably know acute illness. You probably have been an acute illness patient before. You get a cold. You take Robitussin. Or an ear infection. Take the ear meds. It goes way. Prob solved and over with.

Chronic illness type patients have nothing but MANAGEMENT and the illnesses can range from Diabetes to Alzheimer to whatever it is. No cure. The patient takes the meds for their thing to help manage the condition but doesn't expect it to ever go away.

In my case, I have several things going on that I shan't list, but bed time is meds time and I get the sleepies --- woozy fuzzy brain from the medication.

That's why they put those stickers for "Do not operate heavy machinery!" on some meds.

Hard for me to keep track of thoughts when I feel woozy, but I hit the board to help me unwind and relax before bed. So I figure if there's a serious prob someone will tell me and if not... well, I'm not a mind reader.

At other times I'm not at the meds time so I can be a bit sharper in focus and not so rambly.

Participating here is making me realize that should I date a new person I'm going to have to explain the whole meds thing to them too -- and better SOONER rather than later so they are prepared and not be all frustrated with me and huuuuuhhhh?

Which is why I'm here in part. DH is on autopilot, man. He knows all my stuff already. He wouldn't blink an eye but a new person would.

So yah -- participating here helps me see ME as others might.

Thanks again!

HTH!
GG
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  #18  
Old 08-11-2012, 03:18 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Default (In)Compatibility & Non-monogamy

This is a really interesting and complex topic for me. I've been meaning to post on this thread for a while but couldn't pull together the time. (Now I'm home with a cold and nothing else to do!)

I might be making a bunch of short posts on this thread today...in between getting up for more Kleenex and cough drops.

Anyway, the #1 reason I am non-monogamous is because I like having relationships with men who would not be compatible with me in a primary-partner / lifetime-commitment way.

For the last 7 months I have been with an awesome guy with whom (by mutual agreement) I am not compatible to live with / share finances / marry.

I am introverted, need a lot of time alone, and don't want to live with anyone or have a life partner or have kids. He's extroverted, needs a lot more sex than me, is kinkier than me, wants to have kids someday, and is looking for a primary partner to share a house / finances with.

He and I have totally different ideas about money management & careers, which would be a dealbreaker if I wanted lifetime monogamy or even a non-monogamous primary partnership with him. We would fight constantly about money & jobs. Ugh! We also have wildly different views on politics, which would irritate me eventually.

So that's how we're incompatible. But we're also compatible in many significant ways. We have similar views on non-monogamy / poly. We have almost identical taste in books & geekiness. We connect really well intellectually. His extrovert personality is a good balance for my introvert nature, and vice versa. The more we get to know each other, the better friends we are becoming. We are on the same page as to what we want with each other. We enjoy telling each other about other dates we go on. Being with each other feels really comfortable and easy. Oh, and we have really good sex

But if we weren't both non-monogamous, we'd be wasting our time with a relationship that's incompatible with our respective long-term life goals.
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  #19  
Old 08-16-2012, 11:05 PM
zusammen zusammen is offline
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And isn't that the beauty of polyamory? You can connect with someone over certain things, certain feeling sets, though you may be incompatible in regards to marriage/having children/having sex/playing tennis together, whatever.

It struck me as I read this thread that I don't give much credence to the concept of compatibility... you like what you have with someone, or you don't. You enjoy spending time with them, or you don't...
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