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  #11  
Old 07-27-2012, 10:16 PM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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Something to watch out for... I was a swinger in my first marriage, so I'm kind of familiar with the swinger mindset. People who are too anxious to move past a friendly relationship into a relationship of a sexual nature might not be practicing polyamory. They may tell themselves that they are, but it seems more like swinging to me; which I define as sex without intimacy. For me polyamory should be about building meaningful relationships in an ethical manner. Don't let anyone pressure you into moving any quicker than you are comfortable with. Maybe a face to face before e-mailing naked pictures, just a thought.
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  #12  
Old 07-28-2012, 01:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ah, nude pix.

So you learned something about yourself -- do NOT share nudes so early in rship or you will feel vulnerable in a way you do not like to feel.

I mean this kindly. But own your own baggage, hon. You would not be feeling this yuck if you hadn't gone to that level so soon. *hug*

Quote:
from my standpoint....the girl went completely silent after convincing me to send nudes of me with my husband. that is very disrespectful.

You did not have to agree. You took a risk in opening a part of you up.

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wouldnt it more more respectful of her to let us know if she is okay and a heads up for breaking the date instead of going completely silent on us?
OWN your own bag works both ways.

Wouldn't it be easier to just reach out and touch base with her to clarify and verify?

Rather than get the MegaHumpy because she's not Mindreader enough to just KNOW how to alleviate your discomfort without you opening your mouth (and thus plunging you into deeper discomfort before you get release from Hang Time.)

Alleviate it yourself. Speak you truth, even if it makes you feel even MORE vulnerable. But neither fly off the handle. If waiting a week is too long in Hang Time for you, go for 2 days or something. Shoot call NOW if you need to know now. "Wassup? What happen after I send pix? We still on for date or we canceling?"

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It's not too much to ask for. She can have her emergency and be respectful to our feelings.
Was this a LIMIT set before the photo exchange? I suspect not or you wouldn't be here grumbling.

"I'm gonna send you some nudes. I feel vulnerable about that risk. I need you to email back that they were received and that we will reconnect at our date time to process that sharing of that vulnerble. THEN I will send. Agree? Fair enough? Play ball or not? "

You are RESPONSIBLE for knowing your own wants, needs, limits.
You are RESPONSIBLE for guarding your own emotional safety (and your partner(s) you are involved with.)

Think about that some - what your poly framework will be to help you thru glitches. Mine are posted here.
*hug*

It's a learning curve. I am so sorry you feel bad. *hug*

Good judgement comes from bad experiences. And bad experiences come from bad judgement. This feels yucky, and I affirm and validate that is does leave one feeling kinda raw and exposed.

BUT... poly has a lot of places where you go and spend Hang Time at the Emotional Forge. You feel raw and exposed.

Poly is sometimes like edge play of the heart.

That is the reality. You can use this as a learning experience regardless of how it turns out for that. It's only pix. Hopefully not too raunchy. But even if so, a valuable thing to learn about yourself.

And I hope her metaphorical Cat gets over eating the slippers and she calls you back soon and clears up whatever needs clearing up so you can feel better there too. Hang in there!

Forge time sucks sometimes. You will be ok. Hang tight.

hugs
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-28-2012 at 01:59 AM.
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  #13  
Old 07-28-2012, 02:14 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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i dont know how to delete threads....

i dont know what to say...all i know is i really liked her and when she requested the pictures i didnt wanna say no at the risk of her deciding not to meet us and changing her mind. i thought i was securing with her that both of us were real. i dont know...i screwed up, i get it, i am hurt whether thats normal or too fast to be hurt but i am anyway. It's been 4 years since i have dated another female and i had my hopes up too fast, guard down, and excitement up too high. my bad...what else can i say?
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  #14  
Old 07-28-2012, 03:58 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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You can't delete threads. Mods generally don't delete threads, but will lock them if you ask.

I don't think you screwed up necessarily. It sounds like you were in a lose lose situation. If you didn't send the pics, she might not have showed up for one reason, but if you did, she might not show up for another. I am sorry that you are hurting. It is hard to make yourself vulnerable. My first fully sexual experience with a woman was my boyfriend's wife. Both of us were inexperienced and it ended up not working out for other reasons. My second one was with my husbands last girlfriend. They decided they were better off friends and I am wary to put myself out there again since Tings keep ending when I start getting attached.
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  #15  
Old 07-29-2012, 10:18 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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You met her and within two weeks sent nudes about which you're obviously uncomfortable and arranged a date? And you're surprised she dropped out of contact? You're new to this, aren't you?

I'd say it was too much too quickly and she's overwhelmed. It could certainly be a family emergency of some sort--and somebody she's not met in person and has only been messaging for a week or so isn't going to be a high priority for notification.

I'll offer some suggestions for future interactions.

•No more than two messages of any sort in a day. Doesn't matter how exciting you find the interaction, you're likely responding as much to the idea of finding somebody new as to the actual person.

•Hang back about meeting people in person. Allow time--and this is measured in actual days and weeks and not by the volume of words traded in messages--for eveybody to process through the initial rush of excitement prior to stepping up the intensity.

Time is your best friend in keeping things manageable. Adolescents rush into things blindly; adults show a bit of restraint based on understanding how these things work.

•If you're uncomfortable with the idea of people seeing nude images of you, don't send any until you've known the recipient for a long while. Period. That, for most people, is a major step and not something to be done shortly after meeting somebody else.


Just so ya know: I met my ex-wife via online personals in 1995. I met my current wife and gf via online personals. I've had a profile online for most of the years since '95 and have met lots of ladies--and had lots of them drop out of contact suddenly. I've learned to measure interactions by milestones and it has helped maintain my sanity in the face of it all.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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  #16  
Old 07-30-2012, 04:03 AM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
You met her and within two weeks sent nudes about which you're obviously uncomfortable and arranged a date? And you're surprised she dropped out of contact? You're new to this, aren't you? .
ok.....i have mentioned quite a few times, including my user name, that i am new to this. I have never done this before. I do not know what to expect. The date to meet was set a few days before she asked for the picture. So even tho i was insecure about it i sent what she asked for. it's not like i pushed them on her. i personally wouldnt have done it if she hadnt asked. and quite honestly. i will not do it at all for anyone again now. So yes, i am new to this. I apologize.
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  #17  
Old 07-30-2012, 04:11 AM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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it has been over 3 days now since we last heard from her, i do not expect to. and even if we did hear from her now i wouldnt go in with a trust i had before. most people go into relationships where u have to earn trust. i typically give people trust until they give me a reason not to...then its broken. usually the results arent so bad. usually trusting people doesnt get me hurt because they dont want me to stop trusting them. but, since this is the first time trying anything over the net...i am learning. and i am trying not to get offended by some of the comments made.
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  #18  
Old 07-30-2012, 04:31 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thenewgirl79 View Post
ok.....i have mentioned quite a few times, including my user name, that i am new to this. I have never done this before. I do not know what to expect. The date to meet was set a few days before she asked for the picture. So even tho i was insecure about it i sent what she asked for. it's not like i pushed them on her. i personally wouldnt have done it if she hadnt asked. and quite honestly. i will not do it at all for anyone again now. So yes, i am new to this. I apologize.
No need to apologize. And the winky was a clue that I do understand how new you are to all of this...which is why I offered some advice on how to proceed in the future.

It may have come down to something as simple as her being really shallow and not liking what she saw in the nude shots. If that's the case, you're better off without hearing from her again, I'd say.

In any case, I'll again recommend taking a more deliberate pace when meeting new people. Plus keeping your own excitement damped down quite a bit when you meet somebody interesting. Makes for keeping one's sanity intact easier.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #19  
Old 07-30-2012, 12:05 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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well, i havent even begun to look for anyone else now.

When i look through pictures on other polyamore websites, most of the women are so pretty. Any unicorn would have their hand pick of pretty women to choose from. And, most women aren't even the slightest overweight, which I am. It's like putting a picture of a hooter girl next to a picture of a D&D nerd. I know who 99% of people would pick.

I need to find someone who has more in come with my husband and me. And even though this girl claimed to have 3 kids and we made that half of our talk was our kids....we do have personalities aside from parenting. We are gamer nerds lol.

i have considered joining an eharmony for poly's but i dont know if they even offer a married but looking for a unicorn site LOL!!!!!
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  #20  
Old 07-30-2012, 04:34 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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eHarmony doesn't want polyfolk on their site. It's in the terms of use, even (used to be, anyway), that they only want single, mono users.

OKCupid is the best site for finding polyfolk, it appears. And most of the ladies don't look like Hooters girls--not that such matters to a great many people, anyway. I suspect you'll be able to find suitable people on there.

Unicorn hunting is likely to be frustrating, though, as there aren't many unicorns to be found. There are plenty of bi babes who could end up involved with a couple, sure. There just aren't many who are single and specifically looking for a couple. I'll suggest looking for a person instead of a unicorn.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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