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  #21  
Old 07-22-2012, 07:13 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I'm not sure it matters which technology is used, or whether technology is used at all. The important thing for me is that time commitments can be made in both relationships and kept to (unless some legitimate emergency comes up). If not, then I feel this shows a lack of respect for the relationship, and this is most definitely something that you should insist on. Just because you don't live with them and are not married to him doesn't mean that he can't make and honor commitments to you, or else he really doesn't deserve another relationship.

Edit to add: I didn't see your post that clarified a lot of this. Thanks for the update.
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  #22  
Old 07-22-2012, 07:39 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post

Edit to add: I didn't see your post that clarified a lot of this. Thanks for the update.

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  #23  
Old 07-26-2012, 02:10 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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I agree with Annabel that it's pretty crappy, but it's pretty much how things go for me as well. Plans with me have always come a distant second, and will always take a distant second too. I've come to accept that, even though it pisses me off sometimes, and I just don't hold my calendar open anymore. If things don't get arranged til the last minute and I'll already busy, oh well.
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  #24  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:12 PM
LivingHappy LivingHappy is offline
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We have found that having a shared google calendar really works for us. We created one that all of us can access (myself & my husband, my bf & his wife). We enter things on this shared calendar that affect our availability for dates and locations for dates. This way, when one of us wants to plan something, there is no conflict or hurt feelings over scheduling, which I find to be one of the biggest challenges of being poly.
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  #25  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:43 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by GreenMom View Post
I agree with Annabel that it's pretty crappy, but it's pretty much how things go for me as well. Plans with me have always come a distant second, and will always take a distant second too. I've come to accept that, even though it pisses me off sometimes, and I just don't hold my calendar open anymore. If things don't get arranged til the last minute and I'll already busy, oh well.
This is where I'm constantly seeking what is the right balance. I don't feel as a rule that I get relegated to distant second. Now, his wife is quite involved with her boyfriend, and at first I wondered if I was sort of a convenience thing to them--hey, look, now BF has something to do while I'm out!. But I gradually noticed that we often don't go to his apartment because his wife is staying home that evening.

There are times when he and I are getting together up to 4 days a week.

And I realized he's already revolving his schedule with me around my time with my kids...which revolves around my xh's work schedule.

I don't know if it's making excuses, but having moved straight from a dysfunctional family where everything was topsy-turvy gaslighting mood of the moment and one-way-streets, into a marriage with someone who lied, cheated, gaslighted, told me I was crazy, and also pulled lots of blame-game and one-way-street stuff...well, I feel I never really learned what's normal give and take and compromise and sometimes feel off balance unsure what's normal and what isn't.
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  #26  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:45 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMom View Post
I agree with Annabel that it's pretty crappy, but it's pretty much how things go for me as well. Plans with me have always come a distant second, and will always take a distant second too. I've come to accept that, even though it pisses me off sometimes, and I just don't hold my calendar open anymore. If things don't get arranged til the last minute and I'll already busy, oh well.
This is where I'm constantly seeking what is the right balance. I don't feel as a rule that I get relegated to distant second. Now, his wife is quite involved with her boyfriend, and at first I wondered if I was sort of a convenience thing to them--hey, look, now BF has something to do while I'm out!. But I gradually noticed that we often don't go to his apartment because his wife is staying home that evening.

There are times when he and I are getting together up to 4 days a week.

And I realized he's already revolving his schedule with me around my time with my kids...which revolves around my xh's work schedule.

I don't know if it's making excuses, but having moved straight from a dysfunctional family where everything was topsy-turvy gaslighting mood of the moment and one-way-streets, into a marriage with someone who lied, cheated, gaslighted, told me I was crazy, and also pulled lots of blame-game and one-way-street stuff...well, I feel I never really learned what's normal give and take and compromise and sometimes feel off balance unsure what's normal and what isn't.

ETA: he and I did talk about this and resolve it, and I think we both were a little at fault. I suspect it was a matter of wording--maybe he did or didn't word it as he thinks, maybe I did or didn't hear the exact wording I thought, but we both brought our own interpretations of words to however it was phrased. It was easily resolved and I think he and I have both learned a little from it.
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  #27  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:56 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
This is where I'm constantly seeking what is the right balance.

There are times when he and I are getting together up to 4 days a week.

And I realized he's already revolving his schedule with me around my time with my kids...which revolves around my xh's work schedule.

I don't know if it's making excuses, but having moved straight from a dysfunctional family where everything was topsy-turvy gaslighting mood of the moment and one-way-streets, into a marriage with someone who lied, cheated, gaslighted, told me I was crazy, and also pulled lots of blame-game and one-way-street stuff...well, I feel I never really learned what's normal give and take and compromise and sometimes feel off balance unsure what's normal and what isn't.

ETA: he and I did talk about this and resolve it, and I think we both were a little at fault. I suspect it was a matter of wording--maybe he did or didn't word it as he thinks, maybe I did or didn't hear the exact wording I thought, but we both brought our own interpretations of words to however it was phrased. It was easily resolved and I think he and I have both learned a little from it.
GREAT observations of yourself.
The red part-very very important details to understand about onesself AND its even harder to identify "normal" in a relationship dynamic that is self-proclaimed and understood to NOT be the norm.

You're eta is great too! It's good that you both recognize the need to communicate and that you see where you both went wrong (it's almost always partly both) and that you could resolve it so easily!

Keep talking to one another and you will learn what the "healthy normal" is for you.
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  #28  
Old 07-27-2012, 04:19 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
GREAT observations of yourself.
I'm nothing if not a great navel-gazer!

Quote:
The red part-very very important details to understand about onesself AND its even harder to identify "normal" in a relationship dynamic that is self-proclaimed and understood to NOT be the norm.
Yes, exactly, and I guess that was a big part of my question...what is normal in relationships where often all around they're all seeing other people. Maybe when there's that much interaction among so many Vs and Ws and Ns it's quite normal to say, "We'll get together if everyone else's schedule meshes."
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  #29  
Old 07-28-2012, 05:57 AM
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Mintcar Mintcar is offline
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I agree, the way he phrased this is really disrespectful and hurtful. You shpuld address it. I know how it feels to feel second best and it sucks donkeyballs. I'm so sorry. I need to take all of you guys' and my own advice and address this problem in my own life as well. I love u guys, u are so helpful! I no longer feel so alone!
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