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  #11  
Old 12-05-2009, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I think intimacy and sexual connection are often confused as being synonymous. They are intricately tied to one another in many ways, but that doesn't make them the same thing.

Some relationships have more of a sexual connection than an intimate connection. Some relationships have more of an intimate connection than a sexual connection. For me, different relationships have different proportions of each.

Some people can't feel intimacy without a sexual connection. Some people can't feel a sexual connection without intimacy. Some people don't need intimacy to have a deep sexual connection. Some people don't need the sexual connection to have a deep intimate connection.

Either way, all of these ways are great and wonderful ways to connect to another human being. So if the level of of sexual affection feels right and happy for both, then that is the best outcome you can have. Yay for not trying to force it into something it doesn't need to be!
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  #12  
Old 12-05-2009, 08:09 PM
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Very well put Ceoli... It's funny though becuase sometimes I feel a little off too in trying to explain to people.

It seems like SEX is the hot topic when we talk about relationships. Maca was saying to me that he thought it was because sex is a universal sign of affection.
I told him I'm not sure that's true. I can't say it's NOT-because I don't have enough knowledge on other areas of the world to begin to guess (and by other areas I don't even just mean other countries-I'm stuck here in freezerville! LOL).

But I think it hasnt been a true sign of affection for that long in the BIG picture.
I also think that it's not central to the MAJORITY of our "loving" relationships (child/parent, siblings, many friends...) so it seems to have an unreasonably high amount of attention paid to it in relationship to it's importance in relationships in general.

Now-please don't misunderstand me. It was a HUGE deal for me that if I were to get married (which I did) the man would HAVE to be compatible with me in bed, because a satisfying sex life is a requirement for me in life. But when I explain that the other things are ALSO so important sometimes it feels like.... I don't know-people just don't understand....

(not anyone here per se-just in general)
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2009, 01:57 AM
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i am highly sexed, so sex is big part of my relationships. I tend to go through phases though when i have lots and when i have not as much,
but, i do value intamicy in other ways prob as much sometimes more than i value the sex. I need the other connections more, the hugs, the shared intrests and time just holding hands etc...

to me it seems perfectly ok to not need sex that much even if i am highly sexed myself

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  #14  
Old 12-07-2009, 02:22 AM
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I am much like you ladyjools. Highly sexed. Its not uncommon for me to have sex everyday sometimes more than once. My problem lies in remembering that that kind of closeness makes me feel closer to people than is sometimes comfortable for them. I am able to be very close with others physically and really like that and feel comfortable with that but people are not always open and comfortable with me in their space.

Fortunately I have worked hard at this and am doing really well at giving space. My next step is to be close to people and not feel like I am obliged to have sex with them. Sometimes I desire it, not for the last year since meeting Mono , but have in the past when I haven't been getting enough. I really want to be able to have close intimate friendships that don't require sex. That would be the ultimate for me does that make sense? Heh, let me know if it doesn't.
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  #15  
Old 12-07-2009, 02:26 AM
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Default life loves, NSA (non-sexual affection :P )

One of the great loves of my life, "M.", would fall under this thread. She was part of the catalyst "Maia" from the story in this thread that sent me down the poly path. We have to this day still never had sex. She sent me a message the other day saying that she wanted to come visit and I haven't talked with her about it yet but I hope to see her soon!

I was thinking about my current situation. That is, I am currently sexual with one person whom I informed I was poly. She said that was fine if I wanted to sleep with other people but she only wanted to sleep with me.

Last I knew, Maia had met a wonderful guy (her words, I have yet to meet him) so she might be involved... or she might not. I was thinking about the possibility that she might be single and if so I still wouldn't be engaging her sexually just because the possibility it could put Bee at risk (and myself). Which makes me wonder if Maia and I are ever destined to be sexual or will there always be one thing or another keeping us from that union? Or is there some psychological barrier keeping us (such as a fear that if we have sex our feelings/relationship dynamic might change)?
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  #16  
Old 12-07-2009, 08:29 AM
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I am an extremely affectionate person, which can be overwhelming to the people close to me if there aren't many of them! It helps that I have many children to lavish with affection.

As others have said in this thread, I am also a highly sexual person, which can be overwhelming to my lovers if there aren't many of them! For me, 2-3 times a day is normal, once a day is acceptable if I'm feeling tired or unwell, and missing a day is virtually unheard of. If I'm feeling horny, look out! I also find that there is a certain level of intimacy brought about by sexuality that deepens my relationships. However, the time spent lovingly doing things together other than sex is the relationship itself.

We make time for that kind of stuff. Playing board games or card games together after the kids go to sleep, cooking a meal together, doing a puzzle as a family, getting grandma & grandpa to watch the kids for a while so we can have a date outside the house, holding hands while at the grocery store... the little stuff (that's not actually so little).

That's where the love is.

OK, well, actually there's a lot of love in sex too.
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  #17  
Old 12-07-2009, 01:25 PM
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Hm. My libido goes up and down. When my 3 highly spirited kids were little, it was practically non-existent, b/c I was just touched out by them. Breastfeeding and cuddling them and co-sleeping (we practiced attachment parenting) left me w little desire for sex w my husband.

Once the kids got a bit older and were finally sleeping thru the night, my sex drive came back w a vengeance! I had thought it was gone for good. The last 10 yrs of my marriage were highly sexual, even tho we didnt get along in many areas and finally broke up.

One of the areas of contenetion was my tendency to get crushes on other people, movie or rock stars, or actual people I knew.

So, the last 12 yrs, I have had a v strong sex drive. I just love it, and I love getting attention from people who are interested in me sexually, as well as emotionally and intellectually. This is something I am working on this year, my first yr of freedom from a marriage that became terribly tiresome and stultifying.

I'm a woman of a certain age. I look OK for 54, but I know I've got an expiration date... I have to admit it's flattering to get hit on by younger men on okc.

So, yes. I want sex daily (if I dont get it from a partner, I will jill off). It's an important part of a relationship to me.
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  #18  
Old 12-10-2009, 01:59 AM
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ohh, this thread so helps on a question I was haivng in another, awesome folks, thank you for sharing.

I understand much better what some of the folks were saying in the bi women thread.

It seems I've not had the privaledge of such a relationship yet, I look forward to hopefully experienceing one some day
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  #19  
Old 12-10-2009, 02:18 AM
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Ceoli's post # 2 was quite refreshing, and goes a long way toward letting us all off the hook. That is, it helps us to recognize that all of our relationships are both unique and ... well, just as they are. We don't have to force standard categories upon them. Thanks, Ceoli.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...43&postcount=2
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  #20  
Old 12-10-2009, 02:23 AM
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Quote:
It was a HUGE deal for me that if I were to get married (which I did) the man would HAVE to be compatible with me in bed, because a satisfying sex life is a requirement for me in life.
Which is exactly what led me to poly - becasue my husband and I are NOT compatible in bed (and it took us many years to figure out that was what was wrong) but we still love each other and want to be married.
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