Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-27-2012, 04:45 AM
Mintcar's Avatar
Mintcar Mintcar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Cool Almost Splitsville

Hello again. Sorry I have been away for awhile. I know that I'm not a huge presence on this site but I really trust all of you and I appreciate that this site exists. Things have been crazy and I'm very confused. About a month ago I had an emotional episode having to do with frustrations with my mom and I became irrationally angry with my man. I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder and these things happen from time to time. Yes, I am seeinng a psychiatrist for these problems and my man and his wife know all about it. Well, I woke up the next day and they said that they both wanted me to leave especially because my man is starting to worry about his teenage daughter's friends are going to start saying about our sitch (we have been together 5 years), blah, blah, blah. At the last minute he said that he wanted to give it a week and see where we were. He did state, however, that he no longer could see being with me forever, and that I make him unhappy most of the time, and that the only reason he still had me there was because he felt sorry for me. Well, at the end of the week I basically said, "f*** you, I deserve better than this, I shouldn't have to worry every day if your wife and daughter no longer want me here, I deserve power over my destiny, I will not be your pity project, and if you want to be with your wife alone for the rest of your life because you're worried what society will think, then go ahead. I also told him that he was a liar because when he begged for me to move in he swore up and down that his wife and I would be equals, that id be treated like a princess, etc., and it was all lies. I said that I was outta there and that he would never ever see or hear from me again. At that point he turned it around and begged me to stay and said he was sorry. Since then he has been somewhat nicer but his wife, who was like a sister, has been fairly icy. I'm kinda done with all of this bulls###, but this is the man I thought was my soulmate. He used to say he loved me the most and was my best friend, and that I was the most beautiful thing in the world. Lately I just feel like a concubine. When this all went down he even went as far as to say that the only reason he kept me around anymore was because I was his sex kitten and a stellar lay, and far more adventurous than his wife. I will always love him dearly, but after the "I'm. Buying you a plane ticket home" speech I just cannot believe him anymore when he says he loves me equally with his wife and needs me just as much. After all, he never threatened to kick her out, and I would never have the power to make her leave like she does over me. Its probably because they have kids together. He says that makes no difference but that is a lie. That is her ace in the hole and always has been. I will always be at a power disadvantage. I completely believe in polyamory and would definitely do it again but this is beginning to just feel like a farce. What should I do? Stick it out or peace out? Bail or not bail? Or as Mick Jones of The Clash so eloquently put it, should I stay or should I go?
__________________
Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-27-2012, 05:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,029
Default

1) Breathe. You guys are letting yourselves REACT to strong emotion rather than ACT WITH INTENT. One is fire (you) one is ice (her) the other is atwittery (him). STOP reacting. Let the emotion blow on through. Then choose to ACT WITH INTENT to deal with this new problem.

2) You have discovered you did not address the ghost layer in your polymath framework. The question of "how to we want to be WHEN it ends?" Because it will end. All relationships come with a clock attached. Even my husband or I will die one day if our run goes out that far. An ending will happen. So talk it out and choose so when it comes you all remember how you agreed to behave to each other so you can land the polyship and all walk away with good memories, a bittersweet sweet, and walk away friends. Not crash and fucking BURN. Sheesh. (I am always amazed people don't foresee this common enough scene. Not judging you at all -- just illustrating we are all HUMAN and it HAPPENS. Be KIND to yourself in this situation! *hug*)

3) Now that you discovered this faulty planning problem, don't all have a conniption and a cow and end things so ugh-ly. If it really is the end of it ALL or the end of this formation. Things have to evolve and adapt in relationship.

Once we were a dating couple in a V. Then a married couple with an exOSO friend. Then a married couple with a baby and a faded OSO friend. Then a married couple with a kid that is closed. Then a married couple with a growing child, talking anew about opening up later down... maybe. It's a breathing, living organism we tend to here -- this relationship of GG + GGDH. We roll with it, and I like to think we roll well.

You tend yours too. Yours is a 5 yr old polyship -- temper tantrum times are not quite past.

If that's how long your polyship runs, so be it. But CHOOSE. Act with INTENT.

Discuss HOW you want to end if what you are ending is THIS formation where you live-in or the whole shebang.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-27-2012 at 05:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-27-2012, 05:31 AM
Mintcar's Avatar
Mintcar Mintcar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Default

Also, as a totally unrelated sidenote, and ex has just started calling and texting after years of nothing begging me to marry him! When it rains it pours, eh?
__________________
Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-27-2012, 07:13 PM
Mintcar's Avatar
Mintcar Mintcar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Default confused

I am sincerely asking the forum why is no one responding to this thread? I would please like to be advised as to how I can write a better thread so that I may get reaponses. I truly would like your advice and opinion as to how I should proceed with my delimma. Thank you so much.
__________________
Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-28-2012, 02:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,029
Default

Give people time to reply.

It's many time zones here we are all in. And yes, when it rains, it pours. Hang in there with the emotional weather blowing through your PolyHouse. *hug*

I'd suggest you take a break, suggest to your polypeeps you take a break and then make appt to answer this conflict question together in a conflict resolution meeting.
Is the polyship changing shape or ending entirely?
Keep that meeting appt sane with some guidelines and if you cannot cover it all without someone emotionally flooding, respect that, set NEW time for continued appts until it is hammered out well. I do not know how your polyship normally deals in that. Here's just one framework.

Address things like this:
If changing shape -- you still live in, or going off to live in another flat and continue the polyship as NOT cohabitating?

If ending -- how do we want to best be to each other at the end? (Is parting as friends and drifting gently apart? Or parting as friends and staying in touch? Is parting as (#%#$ people never to speak ever but wanting to get through it fast and CLEAN rather than ugh and MESSY? What is end goal?)

If ending -- how to best land the polyship then back to Earth so end goal can best be achieved to satisfaction happy medium (tho bittersweet) to all.
Play hard, play well.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-28-2012 at 02:33 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-28-2012, 02:11 AM
Mintcar's Avatar
Mintcar Mintcar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Default

Thank you so much. That's the most useful advice anyi really appreciate it.one has given me in a long time.
__________________
Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-28-2012, 02:42 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 166
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
What should I do? Stick it out or peace out? Bail or not bail? Or as Mick Jones of The Clash so eloquently put it, should I stay or should I go?
I would let them go and move on with your life. I don't know whether he is manipulating you, or he just sincerely doesn't know what he wants. The answer to that question really doesn't matter, because it doesn't sound like they are offering you anything meaningful, sincere or supportive. My guess is they were trying to fix their own unhappy marriage by adding a third person to it. If that's true, they probably discovered adding a third person aggravated their problems, instead of solving them. Blaming you for their problems is the easiest way for them to try to explain to themselves why they are unhappy. Either way, their problems are not your problem. Take a deep breath. Decide what you want to change in your own life for your own happiness, and go for it.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-28-2012, 04:25 AM
Mintcar's Avatar
Mintcar Mintcar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Default

I think u are absolutely right. I was supposed to be a cure-all and make him lose his desire to go swinging, which I don't tolerate and she doesn't like. Right now they just ditched me to go drinking at their daughter's friend's paren's house. I'm not invited cause it might seem weird. Great Friday night. After 5 years this feels devastating.
__________________
Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-28-2012, 05:51 AM
lovefromgirl's Avatar
lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
Well, I woke up the next day and they said that they both wanted me to leave especially because my man is starting to worry about his teenage daughter's friends are going to start saying about our sitch (we have been together 5 years), blah, blah, blah. At the last minute he said that he wanted to give it a week and see where we were. He did state, however, that he no longer could see being with me forever, and that I make him unhappy most of the time, and that the only reason he still had me there was because he felt sorry for me.
Darlin', it is not irrational to be angry about that. Absolutely a "Fuck you" moment, and may I suggest you play them the song by Cee Lo Green? Then make like the Ladykiller himself and get a better lover or lovers, people whose kids can handle polyamory. (People who probably parent much better than your current pair; like teenagers aren't up to weirder shit these days?)

You're not the crazy one here.
__________________
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-28-2012, 05:53 AM
lovefromgirl's Avatar
lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
I think u are absolutely right. I was supposed to be a cure-all and make him lose his desire to go swinging, which I don't tolerate and she doesn't like. Right now they just ditched me to go drinking at their daughter's friend's paren's house. I'm not invited cause it might seem weird. Great Friday night. After 5 years this feels devastating.
p.s. THAT probably is doing their daughter more harm than your presence. Especially if they're doing it while the daughter and her friend are there. Jesus. That's what bars and babysitters are for.
__________________
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:45 PM.