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  #11  
Old 07-26-2012, 06:23 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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has anyone moved into the poly lifestyle by starting out as a soft swing style relationship? i am thinking about going swing first to see how comfortable we really are with the whole aspect of sex with other people...then go from there. Because falling in love with other people will lead to sex
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  #12  
Old 07-26-2012, 06:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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That sounds backwards to me.

Because falling in love with people won't kill me dead. Casual sex with the wrong people might.

I would MUCH rather hear DH fell in love with someone and told me about it. Then I could go "Oh, that's nice, dear" and have opportunity to share in his joys give support, nurture, compersion. He's got my green light on that since people cannot help how they feel when they feel it. I get that. So love all you want. Just give me the heads up if it's gonna go loverly so I have time to prepare that is is changing lanes.

I would NOT appreciate his sharing his body without my go ahead because that directly impacts my OWN body. I am not comfortable with that.

I'm just not wired for swing style. Hard swing OR soft swing. I find it much easier to share hearts.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-26-2012 at 06:50 PM.
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  #13  
Old 07-26-2012, 06:52 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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well it would be like we meet someone, see if theres anything in common including chemistry, have her std checked, etc. its not like just jumping in bed with someone you dont know. its a "friends with benefits" type thing. But everyone calls this swingning...not poly...that why i was wanting opinions. A relationship that starts BEFORE anyone falls in love.

Most relationships dont just go straight to agape eternal love before sex, most relationships start as a friendship with an attraction....love happens later

is that still swinging...because i was told this is a swing thing that i wanna try?

Last edited by thenewgirl79; 07-26-2012 at 07:03 PM.
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  #14  
Old 07-26-2012, 07:07 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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personally, for me, i would feel insulted if he fell in love with someone he didnt even know that well and that would mean he gave his heart out way too easily...and more likely to get hurt.

Last edited by thenewgirl79; 07-26-2012 at 07:28 PM.
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  #15  
Old 07-30-2012, 11:54 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Hrm. Swinging to me is recreational making out (soft) or sex (hard.) Love doesn't even enter it.

I prefer my spectrum to go from initial romance crush --> friendship -- > crush revealed --> lovers.

OR

friendship -->romance crush blooming & revealed--> lovers.

Each stage hit allowing a time to digest and see if we agree to move it forward.

I totally get the FWB thing -- actually my now DH grew from that! But that was me dating as a SINGLE woman then. I wanted a steady squeeze so it WOULDN'T be random hookups. But it was mostly in the friend bucket because I wasn't looking for a deep love either. I wanted a friendship, with some sex on the side. That progression went like friends --> lovers as FWB for a year with option to renew contract --> Renew, add romance now --> deepening friendship/lovering --> marriage.

For me to date as a married woman -- I don't want to bother with a FWB approach. I have lots of friends, and I can have partnered sex with DH. I don't feel the call to sex with a friend to fill a love void I had as a single in a new city (then) because... there's none?

What I'd be looking for NOW would be the unfolding of a deep relationship. So the approach of friendship first feels "most right for us" to me and to DH at this time of our life.

Quote:
that would mean he gave his heart out way too easily...and more likely to get hurt.
Nah. To me it would just be DH being love drunk.

I don't think falling in love initially can even be helped. It's a hormone cascade. There's lots of articles on neuroscience of falling in love. Feelings are just feelings -- angry, happy, sad, loving. We can't help it. We let it blow on thru. Then we see if we want to REACT or ACT WITH INTENT in response.

It's the work of STAYING in love for reasons other than the initial pink fluffy cloud lala stuff. Investing time and energy to forge ties.

So merely falling love is cute to me. I don't think it's a threat to me at all if DH is suffering a crushlovething. I wouldn't make any major decisions in the first year of it though as a married! That's usually why I rather hold off and enjoy the crushie from afar for a while. Form a friendship, then see what's what.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-31-2012 at 12:05 AM.
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  #16  
Old 07-31-2012, 04:23 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thenewgirl79 View Post
well it would be like we meet someone, see if theres anything in common including chemistry, have her std checked, etc. its not like just jumping in bed with someone you dont know. its a "friends with benefits" type thing. But everyone calls this swingning...not poly...that why i was wanting opinions. A relationship that starts BEFORE anyone falls in love.

Most relationships dont just go straight to agape eternal love before sex, most relationships start as a friendship with an attraction....love happens later

is that still swinging...because i was told this is a swing thing that i wanna try?
For me personally, INTENTION is a major way I differentiate types of openness. Swinging = just sex, emotions strictly off-limits, SOMETIMES friendship will develop along the way. Open = sex, with potential friendship, and depending on the people potential love/relationship, Poly = focus on developing feelings, sex is important but not the primary focus, lasting relationships being the goal.

I really wouldn't worry about the labels too much. You seem to want to be more open to finding someone you care about, on a friend level, who you can have a sexual relationship as well and then if it develops into something more it is a bonus. I think that is a great outlook. It puts a lot less pressure on "dating" or finding someone to "add to your relationship NOW" and lets you just get to know people until you find the person/people that work with your life.

Something else to keep in mind is the way you phrase things... "Have her std checked" should probably be more like "have us all get updated std tests" because she'll probably want to see your results if you're asking for hers. No offense, but things can lurk in your system for years without symptoms and even if the two of you have been monogamous forever and never had any other sexual partners, there's no way to prove that to her so you being willing to go for the tests too will speak wonders about your sincerity (IMO)

Hubby and I started out swinging... We did full swap, though, with soft only mixed in on occasion. I fell for a playmate/friend, and the rest, as they say, is history. It just didn't make sense for us to be okay with sexual openness if we weren't also open to emotional openness. Not that it's like that for everyone, but for us it worked out well.

I think before stepping into swinging OR poly, it is very important to have an extremely solid relationship with your partner. Some concerns are normal, of course, but if you have this awful fear and/or are convinced that he's going to leave you as soon as he screws someone new or gets a crush or anything like that, you're probably not ready. It is kind of a calculated risk to open up - on the one hand it can turn out wonderful and you may meet the perfect person and live as a triad/vee/whatever configuration for years and years OR it can bring out the worst in people, cause endless drama, and leave you single or with a completely different partner than you started with. I like to think that the latter is an awfully extreme example that only happens when people jump in without any forethought (which you are obviously putting into it by coming to the site and reading up first ).

Things rarely go exactly as we expect them so being ready to compromise, communicate, and deal with things as they arise is crucial.
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2012, 12:06 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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thank you KM, reading your thread is both informative and helpful.

My husband is general the silent type when it comes to the "why" and deep stuff. He will say he loves me and when i ask why to be playful he replies "because your awesome". LOL! I love him but sweety i want details lol. However, that's just who he is. He can finally be opened like a fruit peel and share all the reasons he feels a certain way. But it's not something he just opens up and says on his own.

So, when i first had the ideal of what i wanted for us i was scared. I would discuss it and he would say "that's fine sweety". It felt one sided and i got insecure. I started to worry about him being shared with another woman if he wasnt even sharing his feelings about the idea. Everything i said was fine with him...which struck me as odd. Simply because most serious life changing events are supposed to be discussed deeply before you just say "that's fine sweety" lol.

But, we got into deeper discussions and he did finally give me his feelings on the idea. He agrees with me on every standpoint down to wanting to be her friend first. Whether anything happens while we are just friends is not the issue. Because once sex happens there is no such thing as "just friends" anymore. So we would be cautious about self control.

As for the std comment i made. Personally, these military doctors are insane when it comes to that crap. I got tested for STD's a month ago even though i assured the doctor there was no way i could have one because i have only been with my husband for 4 years. But, she tested me anyway. And the Army tested my husband at his last major check up back in February, which i am sure has to do with the Army. They test for things even if you assure there it's not possible. So, my husband and i have both been checked within the last 5 months. And since we have had no other sex partners in 4 years i am certain there is nothing "hidden" or "unerlying" in our bodies. What could possibly lay dormant for 4 years? So yes get her checked. We have proof that we were already checked. No need to again unless we have intercourse with someone else.
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  #18  
Old 07-31-2012, 03:52 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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i got a notification in my email about a reply to this...it even showed me what it said...but its not here on the actual thread to read

to the post not showing up...forgive my vague wording that offended anyone. i was making a summary of a to do list...it was not meant to make the lady sound like a dog.

people treat me like i am not mature if i get offended by someone else's words but if you get offended by my words it somehow doesnt even show up on the thread...just my email...

i am sooo done with this forum. i want my profile deleted.
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  #19  
Old 07-31-2012, 03:53 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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I figured I was wasting my time and deleted it. It seems I was right.
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  #20  
Old 07-31-2012, 03:56 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Op the STD check and etc is a good idea but you are opening your marriage up to another huge threat....

The person who looks good on paper for your hubby and you but then will run a muck through your relationship emotionally. It could be a woman who falls for your husband and he for her and then decides to push you out. Or a woman who falls hard for you... finds out she isn't interested in your hubby and wants you. You fall for her and then hubby feeling left out throws a veto. These things seem to happen a lot in the poly world. Especially when bringing a third party into the marriage bed.
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