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Old 07-25-2012, 10:07 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"But yeah, obviously we weren't ready. Like I said in the beginning, I thought I was strong enough for this and I totally wasn't."

Be fair to yourself. You thought you were strong enough for poly and, who knows, maybe you would have been if you were treated to a healthy, respectful poly relationship that moved at the pace that had been agreed to! Not being strong enough to respond well in the face of cheating and deception is not the same thing as not being strong enough for poly.
But isn't part of poly knowing how to negotiate? And knowing the difference between a demand and an agreement? I made demands, and she agreed to them, but when she realized she was in too deep, there was no plan in place. If she had come back to me and said, "these guidelines are too strict for me" wait. In fact, she did. When I said she put the pressure back on re: sleeping together, that was her telling me that my boundaries weren't working for her. But I was unwilling to negotiate. I was just. Not. Ready. And this is what happened.

It's funny, people on here will say never break your own boundaries (like you said), but also that there needs to be compromise. I had compromised plenty of my time for this girl and it wasn't all bad. So holding onto the sex part until I felt safe seemed totally fair.

My expectations were that she would honor my boundaries. Not that they would be easy to honor, but that she was invested enough in them to honor them anyway. That she was up for the challenge. That she could put the integrity our relationship ahead of a casual desire. And it sounds like that was asking too much?

Last edited by monogamishSF; 07-25-2012 at 10:11 PM.
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cheating, first time, lying, panic, rebuilding trust

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