Hello - from the 1st wife aka Original

[newpoly1stwife]

I totally agree. I admit I entered this blindly with what I thought poly was, he entered based on what she had suggested to him. Things have gotten out of control in our relationship. I am waiting for him to get home so we can get back on track as trying to talk on the phone with him at her place is not productive. I feel she is definitely a cowgirl (I am just learning about this term) and hopefully when he is away from her and takes a review of the past few days he will see just how she played us both against each other.

We have had problems in the past and I honestly thought things were going so much better, so did our friends and family. Many times in the past few months many people had commented that they had never seen us so happy and relaxed, so when I started to suspect the affair I think I talked myself into thinking I was wrong.

[kdt26417]

Hi Jenn,

Although it's a little late for me to say it, can I just offer you my welcome to the forum.

Re (from Post #1):

"He has had many affairs in the past yet was never receptive of having an open relationship until recently."

It sounds like he has gotten rather comfortable with the "cheating model" of conducting a relationship, and he may not take well to the idea that he needs to not have any outside relationships for awhile while he does some mending of fences with you. However, I do agree with the others that he needs to concentrate on his relationship with you for awhile, not be off having fun with some other woman.

I'd say different if he'd already been conscientious and his relationship with you was good and on solid ground. But if you are feeling like you have no say-so in anything he does, that's a sign (to me) that he's been, well, neglecting you.

I'd still get that couple's counseling if I were you, as long as he's willing to do it. You and he should try to get to the bottom of what has been fueling his pattern of affairs. Is there something about you that he's not happy with? If so, he should put that on the table.

I think your attitude is amazing and patient, and he's lucky to have you. Keep researching on poly, and stick to your guns when it comes to asking for reasonable boundaries. You deserve to be treated like your feelings matter.

I'm glad you're with us here on Polyamory.com. I hope we can be of some help to you along the way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

[newpoly1stwife]

Thank you Kevin.
He is home now and we have been talking a lot. I explained that while polyamory is still what I feel is right for us, right now is not the time. I voiced my concerns that we need to work on us and the other relationship needs to at least be put on hiatus, and I can not agree to any more overnights at this time. He is receptive and we have done a lot of us time and work. We laid out some new house rules and relationship rules. He addressed concerns he had about me that I was unaware of and vice versa. It was painful although not nearly as painful as the past 2 nights had been for me. Neither of us have spoken with the gf at this time, she did send me a text which ended with her asking for us to be friends. I have yet to respond as I have to many emotions and might just say the wrong thing LOL.

That being said I am very glad I found this site, I have found it welcoming, educational, and even though my situation is dysfunctional I have not been made to feel bad for my choices in any area. I want to thank you all for that. Once the garden him and I both let go has been weeded and is fruitful again we may revisit our feelings and change it to an active poly relationship, right now we agree to leave it as a dormant poly relationship, with no more affairs. Its a start and every story has to have one

Originally Posted by kdt26417

Hi Jenn,

Although it's a little late for me to say it, can I just offer you my welcome to the forum.

Re (from Post #1):


It sounds like he has gotten rather comfortable with the "cheating model" of conducting a relationship, and he may not take well to the idea that he needs to not have any outside relationships for awhile while he does some mending of fences with you. However, I do agree with the others that he needs to concentrate on his relationship with you for awhile, not be off having fun with some other woman.

I'd say different if he'd already been conscientious and his relationship with you was good and on solid ground. But if you are feeling like you have no say-so in anything he does, that's a sign (to me) that he's been, well, neglecting you.

I'd still get that couple's counseling if I were you, as long as he's willing to do it. You and he should try to get to the bottom of what has been fueling his pattern of affairs. Is there something about you that he's not happy with? If so, he should put that on the table.

I think your attitude is amazing and patient, and he's lucky to have you. Keep researching on poly, and stick to your guns when it comes to asking for reasonable boundaries. You deserve to be treated like your feelings matter.

I'm glad you're with us here on Polyamory.com. I hope we can be of some help to you along the way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

[kdt26417]

That sounds like a good start to me. Glad to hear he's been receptive about your concerns.

[newpoly1stwife]

Hi all, I had lost my book mark and finally found an email to refind the page.

I set my foot down in regards to the girlfriend, and while that has been a rough road my husband and I are working on us. We still desire a poly relationship but I know it could never be with that woman. Right now my husband says I will probably say that about anyone he gets involved with but I have tried explaining that #1 if we entered it honestly and #2 as a joint agreement and #3 respect was maintained it could work very well. Even with the horrible experience I noted above I still really feel it is the best relationship type for us. So I guess my reason for coming and posting is that I am looking for ideas and suggestions for when we do look in the future. I know each situation is different but are there any basic 'rules or guidelines' we can reference for success.

[snowmelt]

I see a pattern of your husband doing what he wants, and you reluctantly learning to accept it...

...or just plain putting up with it. What is going on with that?


That pattern is mixed thoroughly into your relationship. My guess is its been there your entire relationship. That will have to change to respect and balance before anything poly will work. The girlfriend probably sensed the "I can do anything I want" part of your husband and her innate bad attitude toward "the wife" decided it was a great opportunity to move in on you. That's why I say you both need to be in a place of respect for your marriage and balance. Both of you includes him, btw.

I agree you two are not ready yet.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by newpoly1stwife

I know each situation is different but are there any basic 'rules or guidelines' we can reference for success.

I suggest that you both read "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. Read it together and discuss it. The author also makes some excellent checklists available on her website, which you can find here: http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Also, if you have specific questions, start a new thread and invite your hubs to join and participate. And you can always check out the Golden Nuggets section of this forum for more resources.