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Old 07-23-2012, 05:36 AM
anexplorer anexplorer is offline
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Default Exploring Group Relationships

Hi Everyone,

I'm a recently divorced male who has finally gotten around to questioning old assumptions about the nature of various forms of relationships.

It has always been an important part of my nature that I've been able to feel equal amounts of love for multiple people. I've held closely to this as a defining characteristic, but to this point, the principle has played out only in the context of platonic relationships. A number of experiences in the past few years -- and a lifetime of relationship mistakes -- have caused me to think very seriously about what this idea might look like in a committed love relationship. So I'm here to explore.

Commitment itself is very important to me, so my thoughts run specifically along the lines of [closed] group relationships, as opposed to open relationships with multiple individual partners.

And I have to be un-romantically honest in saying that since I just watched my first marriage fall apart much faster than I could have ever imagined, I want to explore not only the dynamics of group relationships, but their feasibility as well. Sometimes it seems difficult enough to find two compatible people -- so three or more must be a miracle.

But love itself is a miracle, isn't it?
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:20 PM
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Yes it is.

Welcome to our forum, anexplorer. I am sure you will find a great range and variety of threads here, both on the dynamics and the feasibility of group relationships. To let you know, I myself am in a "closed poly relationship" (a.k.a. polyfidelity) of three persons (an MFM V).

I hope you find whatever you are seeking, both here and in life out there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-24-2012, 03:38 AM
anexplorer anexplorer is offline
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Aha, that's great news -- I wasn't sure whether I would meet someone in such a situation so quickly. Looks like I definitely came to the right place.
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:32 PM
Lu2k155 Lu2k155 is offline
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Default Optimistically Feaseable? Yes it is...........

Quote:
Originally Posted by anexplorer View Post
Hi Everyone,

I'm a recently divorced male who has finally gotten around to questioning old assumptions about the nature of various forms of relationships.

It has always been an important part of my nature that I've been able to feel equal amounts of love for multiple people. I've held closely to this as a defining characteristic, but to this point, the principle has played out only in the context of platonic relationships. A number of experiences in the past few years -- and a lifetime of relationship mistakes -- have caused me to think very seriously about what this idea might look like in a committed love relationship. So I'm here to explore.

Commitment itself is very important to me, so my thoughts run specifically along the lines of [closed] group relationships, as opposed to open relationships with multiple individual partners.

And I have to be un-romantically honest in saying that since I just watched my first marriage fall apart much faster than I could have ever imagined, I want to explore not only the dynamics of group relationships, but their feasibility as well. Sometimes it seems difficult enough to find two compatible people -- so three or more must be a miracle.

But love itself is a miracle, isn't it?


Hi Anexplorer,

Luv2k155 and I, Desert Rose are both divorce people and have only being married once. Having understood what your talking about with your first marriage;how fast and quick things can come to an end, especially if your focused on making it last, can be mind blowing,(Well at least it was for me). Either way, the feasibility of having a third or fourth is a very good question. Having said that, why didn't the first one work for me.
You've said a very important word, "commitment". The worry of staying disease free is a very strong point.
I am optimistically adventurous in finding out. Having too made many relationship mistakes, I find myself questioning it also. But as I said I optimistically seeking.
I too, having discovered the ability to love many, has made me feel in the beginning some what out of sorts, but by whose standards though? So I find myself seeking answers. Being here on the forum has helped me tremendously. I understand what I want and need to do. I hope that you find what your seeking as well as like minded people who have the same understanding, you've come to the right place.
Along with the mistakes, I have learned a lot from those mistakes of the past, only to be better in the future with my two or three (closed group).
This is the way I look at it, every person is at a point that they are, in time, and every moment is beautiful. Time will tell who is what, where and how. Time to me is very precious and whom I spend it with. So good or bad, the time is and was precious. I will never forget it, on the flip side of that, I have learned and will continue to do better, by growing. You don't want to waste your precious time in a bubble. There's only one way up for me, and that is seeking, learning and loving. Otherwise I would go insane., Got any other suggestions?
The feasibility is this in remarks:, (my advice for myself, which has worked positively), Point one: You know that you are capable of loving more than one. Point Two: there are like minded people who are the same, Point three: Your much wiser now (having had time to examine the past relationship) you kinda know what to do and what not to do as relates to partnership, Point Four: Depending on your situation, you have to ask, is it worth it and does it or will it make you and the others happy?.........Those are the things I asked myself.
I hope I did not go over board here.........mod's and viewing people. Just my take on it.

I hope again you find happiness, we all deserve it.
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Old 07-24-2012, 07:12 PM
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That sounds about right, Desert Rose.
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Old 07-24-2012, 07:26 PM
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Hi there, AE,
I also embraced polyamory after my marriage ended quite abruptly. I am not divorced yet, the procedure has been dragging over the last two years. I don't know how recent it is for you, but it does take some time to process such a huge and shocking change. I read in a book called "Crazy Time" that for the first two years after a divorce or separation, we're a little nuts, still in shock, and processing our grief. This is something that most professionals, such as therapists, counselors, etc., concur on. Oddly enough, it is only recently, as the two-year mark approached for me, that it feels like my fog has lifted.

It has taken me all this time to really figure out what I want from my poly relationships. At first, I started reading about it and thought that I wanted multiple serious, committed boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships, but to remain independent and not live with anyone. Now I still do not want to cohabit with anyone -- that hasn't changed -- but I realized I want to have much more relaxed and casual parameters to my relationships. I want several lover-friends, and to love freely without attachment (attachment as in the worst, most co-dependent sense of the word), but not to have a partner entwined in all aspects of my life. I am very content with the inner work I've done to figure it all out. This does not mean I have not been involved with anyone all this time. I started dating again about four or five months after my husband moved out, but I was still brokenhearted and not very clear about a number of things for quite some time. No one really knows how devastating of an upheaval a divorce can be unless they go through it themselves.

I mention this only as a caution to be on your guard about making life-altering decisions during this time. But you can still explore relationships. Just be true to yourself, honest with your partners, and try to go slowly, one day at a time. Don't rush into a group situation, if you find one, before you're ready.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-24-2012 at 07:29 PM.
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  #7  
Old 07-28-2012, 06:21 PM
anexplorer anexplorer is offline
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[QUOTE]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lu2k155 View Post

So good or bad, the time is and was precious. I will never forget it, on the flip side of that, I have learned and will continue to do better, by growing. You don't want to waste your precious time in a bubble.

Hi Lu2k155,

That's an excellent point. It's one that I'm trying to keep in mind consistently. As much as I'd often like to think that "everything would have been fine" if not for the bad experiences I've had, I realize that I need to embrace what I've started to learn through those negative experiences. And I guess we all have to be patient with this kind of process.

Best Wishes!
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