Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-22-2012, 11:14 PM
Courious Courious is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 19
Unhappy We had the talk... it didn't go well

You can read about my story here... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25643

So I had the talk with my hubby and it went okay for the first hour or so and then it just... didn't. I'm not sure where we derailed, but I when he made the comment 'so, you want to do this why? because it's exciting?' with a making fun of me tone that I knew it wasn't going to end well.

I ended up backing off and telling him I'd been thinking about it a lot because I've been writing about it (true, for my novel), and that it wasn't something I felt like I had to do. So I lied. I think. I don't know.

I mean, I know I want to be with more than one person for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to hurt him. And I don't want my 'wants' to tear our family apart (we have 2 kids).

I don't know what to do next. Help.

Maybe I should just tell him who I have a crush on and see how that goes? I mean, I was trying to ease him into it, but maybe he could feel I wasn't being fully open and so he got scared?

He said he doesn't need anyone else... well, for one thing I don't think he's right about that, and for another thing, I do need someone else, even if he doesn't.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-23-2012, 03:33 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Courious View Post
I'm not sure where we derailed, but I when he made the comment 'so, you want to do this why? because it's exciting?' with a making fun of me tone that I knew it wasn't going to end well.
Did you call him on the mocking tone and comment?

Quote:
I ended up backing off and telling him I'd been thinking about it a lot because I've been writing about it (true, for my novel), and that it wasn't something I felt like I had to do. So I lied. I think. I don't know.
Until you take full responsibility for yourself and speak truth, I expect you're going to have problems. Lying about what you want isn't going to do *anybody* any good.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-23-2012, 07:27 PM
Courious Courious is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 19
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Did you call him on the mocking tone and comment?



Until you take full responsibility for yourself and speak truth, I expect you're going to have problems. Lying about what you want isn't going to do *anybody* any good.
I know it. I'll be talking with him again tonight. It's easy to say what needs to happen, but in the thick of it, when it feels like my family is at stake, I got intimidated. He has a way of being passive-aggressive about things sometimes rather than just coming out and saying what he needs and wants. He knows it though, and is working on it.

We talked on the phone a little bit last night (he was at his parents place for a visit) and our talk went pretty well, considering. He knows the convo is still open, and I made sure to mention to him that I love him deeply and am glad we're talking more openly than we ever have. Because to be honest, there's no way I could have even brought up a deep convo about poly a year or so ago.

I am optimistic... he's one of those people who takes a looooooong time to get used to new ideas, but when he does everything is chill. I am thinking he might be mono, but if he really does love me, he will find a way to be okay with me being poly. And maybe when he sees how great it is he'll find someone too

Wish me luck!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-23-2012, 07:40 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,646
Default

What AT said. Also remember you likely blindsided him with this and he will need some time to process everything. Frankly, based on some of the conversations I've read on this board, it sounds like it actually went really well, as a beginning. If he asks a question, answer it, even if the answer is "I don't know, I need to think about that". If you think he is mocking you call him on that. He will have fears and you will have to address those.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Courious View Post
I ended up backing off and telling him I'd been thinking about it a lot because I've been writing about it (true, for my novel), and that it wasn't something I felt like I had to do. So I lied. I think. I don't know.
It may not be something you have to do RIGHT NOW.

Quote:
But I also don't want to hurt him. And I don't want my 'wants' to tear our family apart (we have 2 kids).
I think this is important to tell him the next time you talk.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-23-2012, 09:25 PM
Courious Courious is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 19
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
What AT said. Also remember you likely blindsided him with this and he will need some time to process everything. Frankly, based on some of the conversations I've read on this board, it sounds like it actually went really well, as a beginning. If he asks a question, answer it, even if the answer is "I don't know, I need to think about that". If you think he is mocking you call him on that. He will have fears and you will have to address those.



It may not be something you have to do RIGHT NOW.


I think this is important to tell him the next time you talk.

Thanks for your feedback. And yes, after thinking about it I realized it didn't go horribly. I mean, we even had some great snuggle time after our initial talk, and have been lovey all weekend (no sex, I'm on my cycle).

Last night when we talked on the phone, he promised to read more of the links I'd sent him about poly. I'm feeling better and better about things as the day wears on. I am actually kind of excited to talk to him tonight.

My new plan is to show him something I wrote about my ideal poly family setup. People have told me I have a way of getting them to feel and experience new things through my writing, so hopefully when he reads what I wrote, about my ideal, some of his fears will be quenched.

I'll keep updating
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-23-2012, 10:25 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default New Concepts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Courious View Post
I am actually kind of excited to talk to him tonight.
I would like to consider myself to be open to new concepts and flexible when it comes to giving them a fair shake. That being said, sometimes if I am hit just right with new ideas I am about as receptive to them as a rattle snake (and just as charming).

As you've said, all told, it sounds like it wasn't a complete breakdown for an initial conversation. He sounds like he got a little catty because of an emotional response but there was minimal damage.

I'm with these other folks though, that you will want to practice at making your needs/desires known in a constructive way. It can be tough and I am certainly not skilled enough to have a clinic or judge anyone else, but improving in that skill should be a fairly high priority. Backing down to avoid a fight in certain circumstances can be a *very* temporary solution - but it is merely a bandaid and is not at all addressing the condition.

Keep us posted, I wish you the best.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-24-2012, 12:26 AM
Courious Courious is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 19
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I would like to consider myself to be open to new concepts and flexible when it comes to giving them a fair shake. That being said, sometimes if I am hit just right with new ideas I am about as receptive to them as a rattle snake (and just as charming).

As you've said, all told, it sounds like it wasn't a complete breakdown for an initial conversation. He sounds like he got a little catty because of an emotional response but there was minimal damage.

I'm with these other folks though, that you will want to practice at making your needs/desires known in a constructive way. It can be tough and I am certainly not skilled enough to have a clinic or judge anyone else, but improving in that skill should be a fairly high priority. Backing down to avoid a fight in certain circumstances can be a *very* temporary solution - but it is merely a bandaid and is not at all addressing the condition.

Keep us posted, I wish you the best.
All good points, thank you. I am, indeed, working on making my needs known. It can be very hard for me, as I was raised in a very restrictive environment.

I've been reading stories on these boards all day to try to sort things out within myself and to keep from thinking too much about our upcoming talk.

We'll see how it goes!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-24-2012, 06:26 PM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Default

It looks like it went much better than my poly talk. My poly talk went terrible, we didn't speak for like 2 days and when we finally spoke, nothing was resolved. In fact it's kind of put us in awkward place, but we're working through it.

I feel that now at least I got it out there, so my partner knows how I feel. I haven't given up on it. I feel that sometimes, things take time to get used to, so when I feel like stirring the pot again, I will bring it up to gauge and see if any progress has been made in the area.

I'm not doing this to become a nuisance or to start fights. I feel that even though my partner may not change, it's important that he knows I'm not going to change either in what I would like our relationship to be.

As futile as it may be, it's probably the only way that I can be true to myself at this point.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-24-2012, 08:29 PM
Courious Courious is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 19
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
It looks like it went much better than my poly talk. My poly talk went terrible, we didn't speak for like 2 days and when we finally spoke, nothing was resolved. In fact it's kind of put us in awkward place, but we're working through it.

I feel that now at least I got it out there, so my partner knows how I feel. I haven't given up on it. I feel that sometimes, things take time to get used to, so when I feel like stirring the pot again, I will bring it up to gauge and see if any progress has been made in the area.

I'm not doing this to become a nuisance or to start fights. I feel that even though my partner may not change, it's important that he knows I'm not going to change either in what I would like our relationship to be.

As futile as it may be, it's probably the only way that I can be true to myself at this point.

You just summed up my internal feelings so accurately. Thank you

And I hope things smooth out for you and I both!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:44 AM.