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Old 07-13-2012, 10:15 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
Poly people get jealous over time.
Very observant and certainly true for me!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:16 PM
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Glitter Glitter is offline
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Brilliant way of putting it, R2F!
Me: 33 F
Married to: Storm 35 M
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Old 07-14-2012, 09:27 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Interesting thread!

Jealousy is a funny one for me. I'm not sure that I actually believe in it. I think jealousy is an umbrella term for whatever the root emotion is (insecurity, usually).

What R2F said about time was incredibly insightful, because time encompasses all those little things that can trigger the jealousy umbrella. A lack of time means that a person can feel, unwanted, rejected, unimportant, envious, etc.

I have found that different things trigger different emotions.

Perhaps I am not yet evolved enough - I would love to be at a stage where I thought "my partner and I are solid; therefore I have no insecurity."

For me, to date, this is not possible.

I trust in my partner and certainly, when we feel strong and in love, my feelings of insecurity almost completely dwindle.

However, I don't think that anything is certain in life. I don't think it's possible to say "I will always love you and be with you". I think it's possible to say "At the moment, I truly believe that I will always love you and be with you". For me, there's a slight difference.

Onto triggers for me...

Envy... this is one that occurs the least for me. When it happens, it can be because my partner is having a great time dating other people when I am not. How do I deal with that? Start hotting up my own dating life ... or simply let it pass if I choose not to date others. Envy of time has also been rare for me. I experienced it for the first time a couple of months ago. I'd been living with my GF and her husband for 3 months in the US. I came back to England in May. She told me that her and husband had a date and had sex a couple of days after I left. I felt my very first moment of envy in over a year; wishing it was me that was still there. I basically let it pass.

Insecurity... this is a more common one, when negative feelings do arise. These days, I am less fearful of my partner leaving me and more fearful of her *attention* leaving our relationship; so that I am stuck in an unhappy situation. This type of 'jealousy' can occur for me when she is in NRE - if she's talking about them a lot, spending a lot of time with them, tells me how hot they are, etc. I deal with it by letting it pass and also talking to her. I always find that talking to her really helps - especially if I precede it by joking "I know this is ridiculous, but I'm feeling a bit of this... can I get it off my chest?"

Possessiveness... my girlfriend jokes that she's possessive and I'm jealous (insecure). She says that her knee-jerk response to me kissing someone is "hey, that's my sexy girlfriend!", whereas mine might be "I wonder if they kiss better than I do?"

I've noticed that I have started to feel more 'possessive' and less 'insecure' recently. She slept with her first person outside of our 1.5yr relationship a couple of days ago and my main response was mild envious possessiveness. A feeling of "he gets to touch her and I don't".

The final one, which is actually the most predominant of all of the 'jealousy' umbrella emotions for me, is anger/unhappiness at being mistreated. I want to feel important to my partner. I want to feel considered. If she does something like making a date with a new person and merely informing me of it, instead of saying "they've asked me out, would you feel ok if I went out with them?", I feel somewhat unimportant in the grander scheme of her life.

Whatever the root cause, yes, I do feel those pangs of the 'jealousy' umbrella. The pangs can be quite strong, or very small, depending on the situation.

All of this being said - these emotions don't consume me or our relationship. I have them, but they are not an every second of the day thing

Your cake analogy is very interesting! In terms of that, I'd say that as long as my slice of cake is what I consider to be satisfying enough, then I am happy to share the rest of the cake.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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Old 07-15-2012, 04:44 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
I know that some day she'll find the monogamous hunka burnin' love that she's looking for. When that day arrives, what she and I have now will be gone. And holy crap do I get jealous of her. Scary jealous. Because I know she is mono and our intimacy is ephemeral. It could end at any moment.

And that's jealousy, because it's fear of losing something I have. There's no one to be envious of. Although I'm sure I'll be quite envious when that dude comes along.

I was actually thinking about this recently. Mono people get all jealously bent out of shape over sex. But I can't be jealous of sex with my crush, since we have none. Poly people get jealous over time.
Very interesting way of putting that! Now I understand why my bf feels the jealousy he does over me, his mono "secondary", yet he has trouble understanding when I feel that way sometimes....

Last edited by newtoday; 07-15-2012 at 04:44 AM. Reason: Ipad typing!
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
Mono people get all jealously bent out of shape over sex. But I can't be jealous of sex with my crush, since we have none. Poly people get jealous over time.
I'm Mono, but I feel the same way you do. I have zero problem with the physical intimacy between my partner and his OSO, but the time they spend together, or various activities they have time for, just fire up the old jealousy big-time... mainly because I don't have the opportunity to do the same, due to work/kids/etc.
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Old 07-22-2012, 06:28 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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i dont get jealous of physical touch ie sex, i get jealous of emotional touch...does that make any sense?
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:30 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Jealousy is a resentment against a rival-or enemy.

Envy is wanting what someone else has.
The definition of those terms is irritatingly close. A friend once described the difference as:

Jealous = fear of losing something I have/want to someone else (the rival)

Envy = longing for something that someone else has.
One is competition and fear of loss (jealousy) and the other is greed and desire to possess more (envy).

Hell if I can come up with a better split between the two!

Either way, these days I experience both - the fear of losing my significant other to someone else and greed from my desire to experience their joys for myself. Granted my fear of loss is much lessened since my monogamous days but (being honest) they still jump up periodically. I do find that I envy what my partners experience every once in a while. Fortunately as one of the other posters stated this feeling is short lived and it morphs into my joy for their elation pretty quickly.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 07-24-2012, 12:55 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Green Eyed Gremlins.

That is a fine line between envy and jealousy. Envy seems like a "wishing I had what you have" and jealousy seems like a "threatened by/insecure about what might be taken away from me" kind of feeling.

My best example of an envy/jealousy trigger was in the last triad we were in. I fell in love with her, but she did not return that love. She fell deeply in love with my husband instead, and I was pretty envious of him being the sole recipient of that love. When he returned those feelings, it brought up jealousy for me. It was a pretty deadly cocktail, and I found myself in a real emotional shitstorm there.

For me, they are both challenging to deconstruct, but I think the main thing is to not give into them. They are legitimate feelings, and bring up a lot of valid issues, but in the end they are just feelings and for me, that was a pretty important realization. Taking those emotions and deciding to allow them to be the trigger for positive steps to manage them can be very empowering - seeds of jealousy/envy can result in some pretty beautiful personal growth!
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Old 07-24-2012, 01:05 AM
Nathan Nathan is offline
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Originally Posted by thenewgirl79 View Post
i dont get jealous of physical touch ie sex, i get jealous of emotional touch...does that make any sense?
It makes sense to me, no doubt about it. I dont believe that I'm the jealous type, I would not have entered into my relationship if I was. However, any fleeting moments of jealousy I do have are far to brief to matter. These moments have come about only recently. This is because my girl and her lover have allowed me to see them being intimate together, and I have seen with my own eyes how special their sexual chemistry and connection truly is. Also, they have their set nights together, these nights have increased recently, and I have now also given my consent for her lover to come to our house when the urge takes them, even if it's not one of their nights together, my girl also goes to his, and his wifes place at times. So I guess a tiny fleeting glimpse of jealousy comes when I see him giving my girl pleasure to a degree that I cannot, it is very brief though, and it is far outweighed by seeing the joy on her face, and to see her taken to a place that only he can take her to. What is most important to me is that she is 100% happy, and she is.

I have a great deal of confidence in the love we share, the emotional touch as you call it. I think I would be jealous if I could see that she shared stronger bonds of affection with him. I dont see that, although I know that she loves him. Could I cope if she did love him more????????

Yes I think that I could.
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Old 07-25-2012, 12:19 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Nathan... you're great lol. Honestly. Every time I read your posts I'm like "Yes! YES!"

Just wanted to let you know.
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communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

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