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Old 07-20-2012, 09:24 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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YES you have a right to set boundaries, even now. The person you live with also has a right to negotiate things with you that you might not like, but that is up to you to figure out what is OK and work to come to a compromise together.

His behavior you've described? Not OK
You not wanting to have sex with him but having desire for another partner? OK, as long as you are trying to improve your intimacy with him.
Finding healthy ways for him to get his libido massaged that doesn't hurt your relationship? OK
Actively seeking couples counseling to see if you can have a more happy intimate relationship if you both want one - ALWAYS OK
Him acting out because you don't want to have sex with him as often as you do with somebody else, so over-jumping into an "important" relationship with some random FB contact and being an inconsiderate prick about it? Not OK.

So if he wants to get involved with this new person? Sure!!! but you need some boundaries and I'd say if you haven't read Opening up by Tristan Taormino, what are you waiting for? (Plenty of other good recommendations on the book/website sticky) The whole "well I have another partner so I guess you can do whatever you want or it isn't fair" is not necessarily helpful, it neglects the fact that it's not nice to treat people you love badly, either on purpose or because you're acting out because you're hurt.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 07-20-2012 at 06:39 PM.
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Old 07-20-2012, 07:45 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello butterfly137,

All the advice is valuable advice so far. I'll just add that it's my general impression that there's way too little communication going on, especially way too little positive/productive communication. People are bottling things in as long as possible until they explode. When you have an ache or a doubt or a misgiving, you need to tell your partners about it right away. Somebody has to be the first person to start communicating, so do it yourself if C and D won't.

When you do communicate, come from a place of considerate compassion, and have a care not to demean, accuse, or threaten the other person. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. D is in a harsh place because no one wants to feel unwanted, and he feels unwanted.

On the other hand, D should be doing a whole lot different with these feelings. He should be speaking up right away when he wants or needs something, not make you be a mind-reader, and it's absolutely inexcusable for him to kick you out of the house. I'd say that particular behavior needs to stop immediately, or you really should consider a break-up. Tell him it is not okay for him to do that anymore. He's got to find healthier ways to communicate.

C is probably burned out from being the go-between for you and D. This new girlfriend he has is probably his (dysfunctional) way of trying to escape from that pressure. I would advise you to try not to use C as a go-between anymore. Start talking to D directly. Do it in small bits at first if you have to. But get some communication flowing.

If you ever get the chance, do this communicating when things are relatively peaceful, rather than waiting until a crisis has touched down. Be a good listener when the other person tries to say something. Don't interrupt or try to think of a good retort. Use the time as an opportunity to try to understand the other person.

Communication ought to be done with kindness, and if no one else will do it first, then you be the one to set the example. Even if someone barks at you, determine within yourself that you won't allow yourself to go on the defensive (or counter-offensive). It's very important to try to understand the other person.

Regardless, the kicking you out of the house must stop immediately. Set a hard boundary in that area. And yes, you have a right to ask for other things as well. Ask sooner, rather than later, as later it will detonate and hurt all of you (and it already has).

All that, and read the various other posts on this thread with care. A lot of good advice has been given, and good things to think about.

I'm sorry you are caught in such a wrenching situation.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 07-23-2012, 02:28 PM
butterfly137 butterfly137 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Default Thank you, everyone

Thank you to everyone who posted their advice and well wishes. I wanted to let you all know, who cared enough to offer your insight, that after a very intense long weekend of some honest, loving, heart-wrenching communication between the three of us, we have come to a deeper commitment to each other and have a pretty damn solid road map for navigating our relationships, both among the three of us and with outside people.

We're working on expressing our needs, rights, responsibilities, and limits to each other in writing, we've all three started reading Non-Violent Communication (and RE-reading Opening Up -- thank you to whoever suggested it ... one of our favorites that bears repeating)

My heart is full and my hope is restored ... I'm thinking of starting a blog in the Life Stories section so others can learn from us, because what came out of this weeks-long load of crap is truly beautiful.

Thanks again ...
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Old 07-23-2012, 02:59 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by butterfly137 View Post
D and I have been going through a horrible time lately. He's always been very sensitive to the level of sexual desire (low) I feel for him compared to what I feel for C, my boyfriend.
So you treat your husband as if he's less than your bf and wonder why you're having problems? Srsly? Sounds to me as if you're using your husband, though for what, I've no idea.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:19 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Glad to hear things are going better now.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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