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Old 07-23-2012, 01:45 AM
darkwillows darkwillows is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 10
Default New to poly and need advice

Hi all,

I apologize if this becomes a long winded disjointed post but the brain fog has hit rather fierce lately.
Ok, my husband and I have been together for going on three years and have been open/swinging for the last year or so. This was a mutually agreed decision and worked out well for awhile.
I wanted to stay in this dynamic since I have a tendency to form emotional relationships rather easily (also, it is hard to separate intense lust from a true emotional connection in the beginning for me as one is tied to the other) and my husband (I'll call him D) was uncomfortable with that. He was worried that I would leave him for another person if I became too attached.
Fast forward through the first relationship that we had with a close guy friend of ours (D is bi and I am straight) who is poly and wasn't currently in a relationship. It worked, everyone was happy for awhile.
Then about 4 months ago, we started to see another couple ( N and K). They had been experiencing serious relationship issues because N is straight mono and K has always been poly. They'd been in a mono relationship for two years and K was going to leave if N wasn't willing to try being poly.
So my husband and I's relationship evolved to poly when my husband realized he had a whopping crush on K and the feeling was definitely mutual.
N and I's relationship never really took off however and it remains just sex, and all on his terms. I am trying to accept this but since I have had a crush on him for years, it's hard. He never opened up and doesn't talk about relationship stuff at all with me and can be distant. From what I have heard from K, that's just how he is, but it's frustrating still.
I think I need to take a step back and evaluate whether it is worth the potential pain and aggravation of continuing to be someone else's first foray into open/poly relationships when they can't even figure out their primary one.
Also, I find myself feeling a tad jealous of my husband and K; it doesn't help that he talks about her all the time and how great the relationship they have is.
I am kinda upset for two reasons 1) my husband didn't want me to form emotional attachements so I respected that, and then he did exactly that to me. 2) I have begun to feel like a third wheel even though D and I are each other's primary.
Any thoughts on how to deal with this? I have talked it through with my husband and he agreed to tone down the K talk and I know I have to have "the conversation" with N to see where this is going, if anywhere. I just feel left out and used a bit I guess.

Last edited by darkwillows; 07-23-2012 at 01:48 AM.
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