Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-22-2012, 02:38 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,094
Default

As the married partner in a V-I think it's rude.

I always check with my partners (both of them) before I make date plans-because we have to schedule around work and kids.

HOWEVER, we also ALwAYS solidify a plan together, not just leave it out waiting to the last minute.

Now, it may come up that one of us has free time at hte last minute-and that is fine. But, if it's a romantic date we're planning-that sort of "well if it turns out I'm not busy" attitude would result in that person being left on their own while the others went and did something else.

It's rude.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-22-2012, 05:36 AM
newtoday's Avatar
newtoday newtoday is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 173
Default

WH. I also agree with everyone else. I think it's wrong and rude, too.

If he doesn't already have plans with his wife for that night, why not go ahead and make plans with you? He shouldn't need to clear his schedule with her first. If she had something planned for them, he should already know.

And particularly in your situation, perhaps the only night you have a break from the kids.....

The nest time that happens, make other plans, don't wait around for his answer.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-22-2012, 03:25 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,269
Default

Maybe you should book all your dates through her ....faster and more efficient.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-22-2012, 03:31 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Maybe you should book all your dates through her ....faster and more efficient.
While that may be a practical improvement, I think that it's more the underlying message that is key.

It sounds liked your relationship with him is only something that only respects when he has nothing better to do.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-22-2012, 03:47 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

While I don't see anything wrong with needing to check in with his wife to make sure she didn't make plans for him, I do believe that his approach with you was rude. He should have gotten back to you right away.

Runic Wolf's mother will often make plans with one of us and we expect that the other one was informed as well. Only to realize that we suddenly have "last minute" plans to do something with her, either because she forgot to tell one of us or she expected our son to. Because Runic Wolf does alot of "yes, mom"ing in conversation, he often agrees to stuff without really hearing what it is. So it is important that he or I check in with each other before making outside plans. However, if plans need to change, we tell whoever it is we have plans with, as soon as we find out. It sounds like you need to explain to him that you expect the same courtesy.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-22-2012, 04:11 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,287
Default Can So and So Come Out and Play?

Honestly, just hearing someone say that to me would leave me flaccid. You have to check with your wife/lover/mom/whoever to make sure that you can make a date with me? That would be a huge red flag for me.

1. Set up Google calendar with wife/family
2. Put important scheduling info on there as it comes up
3. Check calendar for open slots for a date, enter date so it doesn't get scheduled over

This way when I'm trying to make plans I don't have to call in to headquarters to check and see if I am allowed
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-22-2012, 05:08 PM
newtoday's Avatar
newtoday newtoday is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 173
Default

It's a respect and acceptance issue.

It's probably not a case of "if i have nothing better to do, then i'll do you." or at least i hope not.

It may very well be that his wife goes ahead and makes plans on behalf of both of them without advising him as such. So he checks to ensure that this hasn't happened. He may have many talents, but I highly doubt psychic ability is one of them.

However, in my opinion, if she hasn't told him of plans that she's made without his input, and she is truly is accepting and respectful of his other relationship, then she should understand if he's gone ahead and made other plans instead and hence either opts to attend alone or reschedule.

Communication is important on all sides.

Make plans, advise the other party immediately. It's really not asking for a lot.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-22-2012, 05:11 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

I hate google calendar. We used it for about a month with Loveleigh, her husband, sisters, and her husband's ex and I hated it. I prefer the one that we have at work with Outlook express, however, it doesn't let you view other people's calendars when you aren't all connected on the same network, so I can't check anyone but my own's when I'm at home.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-22-2012, 07:00 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,287
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I hate google calendar. We used it for about a month with Loveleigh, her husband, sisters, and her husband's ex and I hated it. I prefer the one that we have at work with Outlook express, however, it doesn't let you view other people's calendars when you aren't all connected on the same network, so I can't check anyone but my own's when I'm at home.
What did you "hate" about Google calendar? To date, it is the most user friendly and free calendar sharing program I have encountered.

In any case, web based calendar sharing is no longer a "new" technology and using "it's too hard to coordinate without calling the boss" is not an adult argument. Using any modern living solution that starts with "Microsoft" will likely ensure that the technology is already 5 years old. Google "free shared calendar" or the like and check for other options. Cozi comes to mind, but honestly if you have legit distaste for Google calendar this means that you may well also have problems with other online calendars.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-22-2012, 07:13 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 512
Default

Between work, children's needs, church, and more, I haven't had a chance to get back, and have in fact deleted the reply I started yesterday morning. It became sort of irrelevant in light of the conversation he and I had last night.

There are a few upshots to this.

1) I did indeed make plans with someone else and let him know I did so when I didn't hear back from him promptly.

2) He says he said 'check plans with his wife,' and what he meant was not whether he and I would go out at all, but what she was doing so he'd know if his home was free or if he and I would go out instead.

3) He apologized for not getting back to me promptly and for being unclear. I apologized for misunderstanding him. We talked about things like letting me know.

4) I have pondered the question about other issues, and I think a lot of what I'm feeling has to do with the fact that I have long believed this relationship can only work for me if I don't get too emotionally attached or expect too much. There are too many gulfs between our lifestyles and needs, that I believe will ultimately prevent this relationship from every being very serious on my part; and the past week has been one of growing closer, which throws me off balance and makes me realize I need to make hard decisions and he and I have to talk about some things. Having the question asked here has helped me clarify in my own mind some of the things we need to discuss.

A side note? A tangent? I believe he's a man undergoing huge internal transitions. He's spent years partying and living what looks to me like a life of sheer hedonism. But in the last couple of years, he's starting to think a lot about the legacy he leaves behind and what good he's doing for others.

Thank you for all your answers.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:08 PM.