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  #21  
Old 07-15-2012, 11:15 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I've been contemplating a lot lately about how difficult it is for me, an extravert, to be with a bf who is a serious introvert.

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Originally Posted by Fiona View Post
I'm at a total loss as to what to do (or not do) and am pretty angry and frustrated about this."
...

What do you do when one of your partners is dating someone you don't like? ...
....

But I don't know how to handle this either.
Just a suggestion:

'Dear Llama, Dear hubs, I know that you want more interactions with me, and you want my happiness to coincide with yours. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit introverted. This does not mean I'm unhappy, it means I need a lot of time to myself. Please quit trying to make me into a version of you, and recognize that I am who am.'

or

'Dear husband, I'm so happy you have a happy OSO relationship. I am not in that relationship, and I need you and her to stop trying to make me be in that relationship. {again with the introvert speech]'

Actually, in another thread I just read, they were talking about boundaries and consequences. Feel free to add some of those.

'Please don't drag me into your relationship. when you do, I will remove myself with a book for an hour.' or whatever.


I was a poly meeting last week, and somebody said the first answer to every question is 'Communication, communication, communication,' and after that you can get into specifics.


Also, a perspective for you, from an extravert: I realized that in the absence of actual info from my introvert, I make up stories. Unfortunately, I make up the worst stories possible. (I've realized that's completely mine to work on) But perhaps they are frustrated because they're unsure what's going on with you when you're distant/or just being alone.
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  #22  
Old 07-16-2012, 09:08 AM
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Extroverts tend to assume introverts are broken, and often try to "fix" us. Perhaps an article on How to Care for Your Introvert (also available in a Wikihow version) might help your husband and metamour realise you don't need fixing.
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  #23  
Old 07-17-2012, 01:37 AM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Thanks, you guys, your words are helpful. Emm, I love that article and have shown it to my husband before. I think there's a lot of other stuff going on here, including me feeling like my life is dictated by other peoples' schedules; it's extremely difficult for me to not only have enough time to myself, but to have hardly any time with my husband and my partner. I get panicky and sad about it all, and I'm sure that I lash out and get disproportionately angry about some things.

Last night, I spent time with my partner (which was negatively influenced by the argument my husband and I had before I left); today, as I left my partner, we got into a difficult discussion and I was late getting home, which meant that my husband was late picking up his girlfriend, and I feel like the fallout from this is going to last for weeks. Sigh. I hate this. It feels like there's always some sort of issue going on that needs to be discussed; I'd just like a bit of a breather from time to time!
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  #24  
Old 07-21-2012, 04:22 AM
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If nothing seems to be getting through to them, you could show your husband and his gf this thread. Maybe seeing other people's perspectives, as well as yours, will help illuminate things for them.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #25  
Old 07-21-2012, 08:53 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Thanks, nycindie, that's a good idea. I don't communicate much with the girlfriend, but I could show it to my husband, and he could show it to her.

I wonder just how much communication I should have with her. As I said, she started out wanting to be very buddy-buddy very quickly; I just don't work that way, and it made me uncomfortable. In addition, she has said and done things that made me very uncomfortable (including making a remark in my presence - and my husband's - about giving my husband a blowjob. Seriously?)

When my husband and I were talking the other day, I said something about not liking her much, and he replied, "Well, she doesn't like you either." That felt weird. I feel like all I've tried to do is limit my interactions with her, and all of sudden she dislikes me? I am friendly with the other person she's currently seeing, and have heard that his wife has issues with her as well. I wish I could think of a way to smooth things over, if only because I think it's hard on my husband that we dislike each other. Sigh.
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  #26  
Old 07-22-2012, 01:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona View Post
I am friendly with the other person she's currently seeing, and have heard that his wife has issues with her as well.
She sounds like a bull in a china shop, unaware of the mess she makes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona View Post
I wish I could think of a way to smooth things over, if only because I think it's hard on my husband that we dislike each other. Sigh.
Is he all caught up in NRE over her? (I forget if you mentioned that) If so, it will be hard to get through. But maybe if you talk to the wife of her other lover, you two may be able to come up with ways to support each other while each of you has issues with her, and deal with her sort of as a cohesive team (???), and then you won't be seeming like haranguing your spouses about her. I dunno, just a thought.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-22-2012 at 02:03 AM.
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  #27  
Old 07-23-2012, 07:28 AM
mercury mercury is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona View Post
What do you do when one of your partners is dating someone you don't like? I don't discount the possibility that we could end up being friendly, but I'm damned if I can see just how that would happen right now. Sigh. My husband is all stressed out by this, and so is my partner (can't blame him, after Girlfriend had that totally inappropriate conversation with him) and so am I. I'm just sick of the whole thing. It's getting to the point where I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it.

I wouldn't ask my husband to break up with her, any more than I would break up with my partner if he asked - we don't work that way. But I don't know how to handle this either.
Since you say that you and your husband aren't the types to make each other break up with other partners, I'd say you have to just not like the person. I guess I wonder why you even have to like the person in the first place? He's the one in a relationship with her, not you. And you're the one in a relationship with your male partner, not your husband. I know that's all easier said than done, but I really do fail to see why there has to be "liking."

Our regular friends sometimes date people who aren't awesome to us. Sometimes we don't like the person. But...usually it's not that big a deal.

I guess i tend to think when a poly person says they "don't like" a husband or wife's mate, that it is coming from jealousy or resentment, even if just a little. I don't want to presume, but you know, it's only natural. The truth is, most men and women in general don't fall into any extreme likable or dislikable category. Most people fall into at least a general "he's alright" category.

To put it in perspective, when I first started dating a guy who was in a polyamorous relationship, I knew his girlfriend already. In fact, I"d known her for two years already (distantly). I never had anything much for or against her except for (just a little) thinking she was kind of a snob. But when I started dating her boyfriend, I have to say...the 'not liking' came out a bit more than it ever had before. Just a little. She and I had so little interaction. I wouldn't say she did anything wrong at all. But I liked her less when we were dating the same guy.

I dunno....I guess I'm just saying that I see SO much "I don't like her" on this board coming from women about their husbands' partners. And there's always some qualification like "And it's not jealousy, it's that...she makes me uneasy."

Or...just something.

I tend to think there'd be absolutely nothing (or very little, anyway) wrong with these women if they weren't dating your husband. If she's "dramatic," it's because you guys are in a dramatic situation that pits your ego and needs against hers. It's not because her personality is just naturally dramatic. Not necessarily. I mean, she probably thinks *you're* dramatic because you guys are experiencing drama with each other.

Last edited by mercury; 07-23-2012 at 07:31 AM.
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  #28  
Old 07-23-2012, 02:14 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mercury View Post
I tend to think there'd be absolutely nothing (or very little, anyway) wrong with these women if they weren't dating your husband. If she's "dramatic," it's because you guys are in a dramatic situation that pits your ego and needs against hers. It's not because her personality is just naturally dramatic.
I don't know...There are lots of women (and a few men) that seem very "dramatic" to me - their lives just seem to go from one crisis to another (not just romantically). Dude's ex-girlfriend (CrazyGirl) is like this. Several times a week she would call with some "damsel in distress" call - someone was in the hospital, someone was arrested, she lost her lisence, she locked herself out of her house, she went on a date and almost got date-raped (6 times in a 3 month period), she lost her friends at a concert and can't get home, etc. etc. Maybe she just has bad luck but it seems to me that some people don't seem to consider the consequences of their actions, fail to consider back-up strategies, and overall frenetically race through life with little regard for Murphy's Law (and their own safety).

Don't get me wrong – it's nice to know that you can call on your partner(s)/ friends(s) in need. Just last week MrS got to play “knight-in-shining armor” when the exhaust on my car decided to half fall off half-way to work. He brought me the other car (and the carjack and bailing wire to hold up the exhaust so he could drive it home) gave me a kiss and sent me on my way. Now what if MrS (or Dude) had not answered the phone, or answered the phone and were busy with something else important? STILL not a crisis. Plan B – call one of the girls at work to come get me, go to work and call a tow truck, make arrangements to rent or borrow a car, go on with my day. No crisis.

Jane(”No-Drama”)Q

In this day and age - if you have a cell phone and a credit card there are very few true crises, most things are just inconvenient.
If you don't need 9-1-1 then it's not really an emergency.
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Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 07-23-2012 at 02:26 PM.
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  #29  
Old 07-23-2012, 03:13 PM
mercury mercury is offline
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JaneQSmythe,

That's all true, there are some people who have a lot of crises in life. But it doesn't really sound like that's the case with the OP's situation. It's more like "I just. don't. like. her."

It's more like they just don't like each other.

I see so much of that on this board. I think women just don't like each other when they're dating the same guy.

Honestly, very few people seem happy with their poly situations. I think most people on this board would love it if they were poly but their partner was only with them. It's kinda crazy! I mean, understandable. But it definitely says something...

The women all hate their husbands' girlfriends. She's dramatic. She's trouble. She's sneaky. She's bossy. She's controlling. She's always something. She's never just the woman your husband is dating who's allowed to be human and have needs and call him and take up his time. It always crosses someone's boundaries.

I'm not saying I wouldn't feel or be the same way if I were poly. Just saying....this is what poly is, and it's freaking sad.
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  #30  
Old 07-23-2012, 03:37 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mercury View Post
I think most people on this board would love it if they were poly but their partner was only with them.
If you look at those with a post count under 20, perhaps. That's where you'll find the ones who came here because they've encountered something new and threatening and who haven't had time to work themselves out yet.

If you think it's all "freaking sad" perhaps you should stop projecting.

Last edited by Emm; 07-23-2012 at 03:40 PM. Reason: Add quote
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