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  #21  
Old 07-18-2012, 10:55 PM
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Hi,

I am late to the conversation, and perhaps overstepping my bounds, but I won't tell you to seek a different forum, at least not until I have some understanding of what's going on.

The problem that you have with this other woman: Is the problem that you suspect this other woman will take your husband away from you, and have him all to herself? Perhaps this is a "cowgirl" situation? If so, how can you tell that she is bent on taking your husband away?

You mentioned that she was "everything your husband wanted in a woman," and you feared that she was a "better catch than you," and that he would therefore leave you in order to be with her all the time.

Is it possible that some kind of self-insecurity is driving your fears? What can your husband do to reassure you (apart from leaving the other woman)?

Just seeing if I can get to the bottom of the rather perplexing problem.

Respectfully,
Kevin T.
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  #22  
Old 07-19-2012, 03:15 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Kevin,

I thought this thread was dead already until I got the notification that I had an update.

I am a little embarrassed by the whole thread. The truth is, this woman is not a cowgirl, not purposely anyways. My only issue with her is that she is many wonderful things that I am not and I do wonder if one day my dear husband will leave me for her.

He tries to assure me that he loves us both and that he will never leave, but never say never, right?

And to test him, I have tried to shut him out, push him away, offer to leave, but the harder I push him away, the more he comes back, I guess if he wanted her bad enough, he would take me up on those offers, wouldn't he?

And, in soul searching, I am trying to determine why I am suddenly so interested in keeping him; he has even noticed and mentioned that, why so possessive now? I tell him and myself the right thing to believe, that I love him more than anyone ever could but the fact is, maybe it's just because I don't want someone else, particularly her, to have him.

I know that is selfish and immature. But he was mine to start, he should be mine to keep.

Thank you for reaching out, but I am done discussing this.
  #23  
Old 07-19-2012, 04:08 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
I know that is selfish and immature. But he was mine to start, he should be mine to keep.
Last I checked slavery is still illegal, so no - he's not yours, he's never been yours, and he'll never be yours. He may be your husband or your lover or whatever, but he as a person is not YOURS. It is his choice to remain with you. Be thankful for that. Not many men would deal with the crap you've apparently been putting him through, especially when they don't subscribe to the "the one" paradigm.

If you know it's selfish and immature, why don't you work on growing? Become the woman of his dreams if that's what you wish you were. Or do you enjoy being like this? I mean, if you do, go for it, I guess, but you're always going to struggle with relationships with other people if you keep the "it's all about me and what I want and what makes me feel okay" attitude.

Good luck to you.
  #24  
Old 07-19-2012, 05:55 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So for the past 5 yrs you've been open ....and the past year and half he's been with her .....what changed in your life that this became an issue .....why now? Has their been a change in your other relationship(s). Has this effected your other relatioships?

If you get your way does that mean you will dump all your outside relationships and go back to being mono.

Ps...if you got the time take a look at my other questions
  #25  
Old 07-19-2012, 08:26 PM
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Okay, I think I understand the situation a little better. You seem to be concerned that maybe someday your husband will leave you in order to be with her more. That fear is driving what seems to be an intense jealousy. Is there anything else that might be making you feel jealous, or does that about cover it?

Re:
Quote:
"And to test him, I have tried to shut him out, push him away, offer to leave, but the harder I push him away, the more he comes back; I guess if he wanted her bad enough, he would take me up on those offers, wouldn't he?"
Yes, I think so. Surely it is enough to test him a little, and then take him at his word? Can you trust him? Do you trust him? Has he ever done anything to weaken your trust in him? Do you have any grief or trauma that you experienced in your past that might be hurting your ability to trust now?

How intense/extensive is this jealousy that you feel? Can you live with your husband spending some time with her, as long as he doesn't leave you?

I remember the first (so far only) time I went on this one really bad-ass ride at Cedar Point, the Top Thrill Dragster. It shot straight up in the air, and went straight back down, and we are talking a *long* ways up. When I was in the ride, I was just clutching the safety restraint, eyes squeezed shut, hanging on for dear life. This image came back to me when I read about your situation. You seem to be caught in some kind of terrifying ride, and are clutching on to your husband for fear of losing him. Can you loosen your grip just a little, or is the terror too intense?

I am just curious to know what is driving these intense fears you are experiencing. I respect your right to not talk about it, if you don't want to talk about it any further. But if you change your mind and do want to talk about it, I'm listening.

Take some comfort from your husband's reassurances if you can. Sometimes the fear of vulnerability is all it takes to throw us into a defensive posture.

Hope this somehow helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #26  
Old 07-20-2012, 02:04 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
It sounds like this was born out some marital issues....who's idea was this as the solution ? Was this the best idea ? What were the ideas that got rejected ?

Is Wifely duty code for sex? How much was expected....how much different was your desire for sex.?


Also it does have that swinger mentality ....recretional sex ...but feelings and commitments are out of bounds.

I agree with the hooker idea..... Was that ever discussed?

To answer you. We opened our relationship after the proverbial 7 year itch. Sex got boring, I lost interest. Completely. It did start out as swinging, yes, but it changed into more with at least two other women.

Hooker? Would be better than worrying every time he leaves me for her that he won't be coming back. That means she wins and I lose.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So for the past 5 yrs you've been open ....and the past year and half he's been with her .....what changed in your life that this became an issue .....why now? Has their been a change in your other relationship(s). Has this effected your other relatioships?

If you get your way does that mean you will dump all your outside relationships and go back to being mono.

Ps...if you got the time take a look at my other questions
I was seeing someone until several months ago and that ended. I have no other relationships at this time but I am starting to wonder if maybe I should start looking. I need another option if he chooses to stay with her, not move on.

I tried the angle that this wasn't fair to her but he won't listen. He empathizes but swears that she knows what the situation entails. She can decide for herself.

Would I go back to being mono? Maybe, yes, until she's long out of the picture. I will play safe until i know she is gone then i'll reopen our relationship. He can have "friends" again, as will I; it just won't be her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Okay, I think I understand the situation a little better. You seem to be concerned that maybe someday your husband will leave you in order to be with her more. That fear is driving what seems to be an intense jealousy. Is there anything else that might be making you feel jealous, or does that about cover it?

Re:


Yes, I think so. Surely it is enough to test him a little, and then take him at his word? Can you trust him? Do you trust him? Has he ever done anything to weaken your trust in him? Do you have any grief or trauma that you experienced in your past that might be hurting your ability to trust now?

How intense/extensive is this jealousy that you feel? Can you live with your husband spending some time with her, as long as he doesn't leave you?

I remember the first (so far only) time I went on this one really bad-ass ride at Cedar Point, the Top Thrill Dragster. It shot straight up in the air, and went straight back down, and we are talking a *long* ways up. When I was in the ride, I was just clutching the safety restraint, eyes squeezed shut, hanging on for dear life. This image came back to me when I read about your situation. You seem to be caught in some kind of terrifying ride, and are clutching on to your husband for fear of losing him. Can you loosen your grip just a little, or is the terror too intense?

I am just curious to know what is driving these intense fears you are experiencing. I respect your right to not talk about it, if you don't want to talk about it any further. But if you change your mind and do want to talk about it, I'm listening.

Take some comfort from your husband's reassurances if you can. Sometimes the fear of vulnerability is all it takes to throw us into a defensive posture.

Hope this somehow helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
The jealousy and insecurity is really intense. No, he's never done anything to make me question that but his devotion to her and his feelings for her are very strong. I actually agree with him, she is an amazing woman, which is why I am so threatened. Their connection is unbelievable.

I think my husband says what he needs to say to appease me. I've had some mental health issues as of late that I think he says what he is supposed to say to make me feel better. But I have read his emails to her, and they say a different story. He would rather be there. He doesn't say that outright, but deep down, I know it.
  #27  
Old 07-20-2012, 08:24 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"I need another option if he chooses to stay with her, not move on."
Is it possible he can choose to stay with her, *and* choose to stay with you at the same time? In polyamory, we like to say that choosing one person doesn't have to mean "dumping the other." Doesn't mean literally being with both people all the time, just means that time is set aside for both people individually in turn.

Re:
Quote:
"I've had some mental health issues as of late that I think he says what he is supposed to say to make me feel better. But I have read his emails to her, and they say a different story. He would rather be there. He doesn't say that outright, but deep down, I know it."
So you have concerns that he is perhaps not "playing straight" with you.

Let me ask you this: Why does he spend time with you (at all) if he'd rather be with her? What's holding your marriage together?

No offense (nor rhetorical questions) intended, just honestly seeking a gradually better understanding of the situation. Let me know as much as you can of what you believe is happening.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #28  
Old 07-20-2012, 11:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Who ended the relationship ....you or your bf or gf ?

Would we being having this conversation if that relationship was still intact?

Do you realize you said I'll stay mono for a while then " I'll " reopen the relationship.....does he ever get a vote or voice on things? Does he pick out his own close ?

How would you rate the strength of your marriage? 5 yrs ago ...and today?

Are you being treated for your mental health issues ? Is counseling part of that?
  #29  
Old 07-24-2012, 06:11 PM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
So you have concerns that he is perhaps not "playing straight" with you.

Let me ask you this: Why does he spend time with you (at all) if he'd rather be with her? What's holding your marriage together?

No offense (nor rhetorical questions) intended
Yes, perhaps. He didn't tell me that he was in love with her. I stumbled upon that information. Emotional cheating? Why would he lie if there wasn't something for me to worry about?

I'm not saying he doesn't want to be with me. He does make an effort with me. But, deep down, I know that many times, he yearns to be with her and I don't blame him, I see how happy she makes him.

No offense taken. Thank you for your consideration.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Who ended the relationship ....you or your bf or gf ?

Would we being having this conversation if that relationship was still intact?

Do you realize you said I'll stay mono for a while then " I'll " reopen the relationship.....does he ever get a vote or voice on things? Does he pick out his own close ?

How would you rate the strength of your marriage? 5 yrs ago ...and today?

Are you being treated for your mental health issues ? Is counseling part of that?
You sure do ask alot of questions!

I was in a long distance relationship with my bf. He got very distant. We lost touch. I guess he found someone else in his new community. Would we be having this conversation if he was still around? Maybe, maybe not. It's hard to answer that. At least with him, I had another source of support.

He thinks he gets a vote. But he really doesn't. I have a strong fight/flight response to this. Fight - I will pull out all the stops to keep him so that he doesn't leave me for her. Flight. - More like a fake flight - You can leave, I'll understand and forgive you for hurting me, your happiness is the most important. That gets him everytime.

Counselling is a private matter. But yes, I have sought out help.
  #30  
Old 07-24-2012, 07:24 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"I'm not saying he doesn't want to be with me. He does make an effort with me. But, deep down, I know that many times, he yearns to be with her and I don't blame him, I see how happy she makes him."
So he doesn't *always* want to be with her, but you suspect that he doesn't spend *as much* time with her as he feels like spending.

It's possible there's a certain amount of NRE (New Relationship Energy) involved between him and her. NRE takes awhile to wear off, and it can be rather blinding in the beginning. He may be trying to resist the effects of NRE, in which case it's not entirely inappropriate for him to "push himself" when it comes to spending time with you. Later on, the logistics may still be similar, but they may "flow" a little more naturally.

I kind of get the impression that *control* is an important thing for you to have within the relationship. Letting go of a little bit of that control may seem a little scary. But there may be rewards if you can do it.

You have a complex situation and will need to study things from every angle as you go along.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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