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Old 12-04-2009, 03:38 PM
Riunin Riunin is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6
Default Understanding Poly and Cheating

As before I'm the mono guy in a relationship with a poly girl. We've started to talk about it more openly but it still scares me and hurts me to think about, but that's not the problem, I care enough about her to not protest this, even if its painful to me. I'm having trouble trying to get her to understand how it feels to me so she can be... I dunno gentler about it, more helpful to me I guess. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm a secure person, if this is going to happen I need her support but try as I may I can't get through to her what a relationship is to me, and what I expect from her. We were talking yesterday, she said that she wanted a girlfriend and I said that that was ok, but that I wasn't ready yet and that I didn't know when I would be. She said that there was no one right now, but if she found someone she was going to try to act on it, and that I wouldn't have to meet her. This hurt me a little but I replied that I'd have to meet the girl, that I wouldn't want a threesome or whatever a more typical guy would want, I'm not interested in that, but that I'd have to meet her. I told her if it happened I would probably be jealous and it may effect our relationship. She replied that she just wouldn't tell me then. This is cheating to me, in fact polyamoury is on the verge of cheating for me, but if its done a certain way I think I can survive, with some time. I told her no, that that was not any good at all, that that was cheating in my mind that that was the worst thing I could do, and that while her getting a girlfriend would hurt me, doing it secretly would hurt so much more. I have to meet the girl, I'll probably hate her, demonize her, turn her into an enemy, but I have to meet her and speak to her and have a face. It made me realize though, that this strange community I don't fit with, that on some level I oppose but am willing to get involved in for her a much different than myself. That she can think that cheating is having someone else and leaving me for them. That that is what she thinks I'm afraid of, that that's why it hurts me. It's more than that, the fear of be left is there surely, the fear of chasing her away, the fear of becoming distant and having us change, but there's also the feeling of not being enough, the feeling of betrayal, the loss of time with her that I so treasure, and well I am a guy so also the loss of potential sex. And now there is a fear of deception, of being lied to, of her simply not being able to comprehend how I feel and how she can make it right.

So anyway my question, How does this community see cheating, what is cheating to you, how bad is it, please act like I'm three, because apparently the mindsets are so different that its the only way to express things properly.

And also, if you could help me find the words that will express the way I feel to her, words that will make her understand me I would appreciate it so very much. I honestly hope she doesn't find anyone else, as cruel as it sounds and as bad as it feels, I don't want to give up that time with her, I don't want to have to deal with the stress and the conflict and whatever else it is I so dread. But if it happens it needs to happen a way that I can live with, and I need to get that across.

Thank You
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affairs, cheating, ethics, monogamy, polyamory

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