sleeping arrangements

[BohemianMLHR81]

thank you so much for posting this thread. this is exactly what I was referring to in my post about jealousy and the 3rd being the one who is cast aside. I have seen exactly this situation over and over in both the poly and the swinging lifestyles over the last 25 years. I feel for you honey. Everyone is right about speaking up. The wife needs to suck it up a deal with it or you my dear need to exit stage left. One thing to keep in mind they are legal man and wife period. as long as they are married she does have priority over you in every aspect in his life including finances regardless of who loves who. you will NEVER be an equal in their lives. to prove my point if he were to have a fatal accident tomorrow, his wife would collect death benefits you would get nothing and be left out in the wind alone. I wish the entire institution of marriage was done away with. they can make you feel like an equal by getting a king sized bed etc but in the end you are still the 3rd wheel. this fact is something that you have to suck it up and deal with. If you were somone who was more than a sexual partner who out of convienence lived with them then you would share their bed by their choice. as much as I would love to be a part of a triad this is the very thing that makes me skiddish as a single woman.

[BohemianMLHR81]

One other thing that I noticed in all of your posts was there is no mention of the closeness between the wife and you. Everything seems to be centered around the husbands sexual desires of wanting his two women and the wifes jealousy. This leads me to believe that she is only having sexual relations with you to apease his wants. This is exactly the signs that I look for when i meet with a couple. If I do not get vibes from the woman who claims to be bi I am out of there. Dont get me wrong. I have no problem being in a triad with the man being the V if the woman is straight as long as they are both honest about it. But any fool can tell when bisexual desire is being faked for someone elses benefit. jealousy is the main sign that a person is only participating to please someone else. IMO he is also playing the victim. I am sure he is all tore up over the fact that he has two women in his home who are both wanting to sleep beside of him.

[GalaGirl]

To protect the kids from what?

I can't answer for the OP. But sigh... I would imagine things like this... if you realize you are poly AFTER kids come. It's always cleaner to sort it out and BE out to family and friends before kids arrive but that's not everyone's experience.

I've seen friends suffer the push-pull of warring family. They arrived at poly later in life. Some of my poly friends have relatives just IMPLODE at the news and then use the children as guilt trippage. As if the children do not have ears to hear grands or inlaws blasting away. It's rough on the couple, but prekids you could deal, break ties, etc and no little ears are being hurt or used in war.

Post kids? With relatives who megawigginz? It puts the child in the middle of their loved ones -- with kid brains that don't understand all -- "Do I believe mommy/daddy or grannies/grampies? Do I suck? Am I bad? Do people still love me?"

Just awful, and what did the kid do? Nothing. What did the parents do? Nothing but try to have more love in their lives. Terrible.

GG

[Jaynine]

Originally Posted by BohemianMLHR81

One other thing that I noticed in all of your posts was there is no mention of the closeness between the wife and you. Everything seems to be centered around the husbands sexual desires of wanting his two women and the wifes jealousy. This leads me to believe that she is only having sexual relations just to appease him.

I have definately considered this......and I have talked about it to both of them. It has been a major concern for me, BUT only because for a few months she became very closed to me, she was really struggling with the change in her relationship. Id go as far as saying grieving for what she has lost. But she also realises what she has gained in having me to love. When my gf lets herself go, releases herself to love me, she is the most amazing, loving and beautiful person. She was like this at the beginning, that was the main reason I fell for her. She has recently become back to that person and hers and my relationship is really good again. We share alot of time together, we are best friends, and we also share love and sex. She is MY first female lover. I have come a long way in the past year. So unless she is an extremely great actor, I like to hope she is not just in this to appease her hubby and keep him happy.

[Jaynine]

Originally Posted by BohemianMLHR81

But any fool can tell when bisexual desire is being faked for someone elses benefit.

Maybe I am a fool.

[Jaynine]

Originally Posted by BohemianMLHR81

IMO he is also playing the victim. I am sure he is all tore up over the fact that he has two women in his home who are both wanting to sleep beside of him.

I can see how this would seem this way to someone. But living in the situation and listening to the arguments and seeing the aftermaths of the arguments......and seeing the strain and stress on his face and in his behaviour, and making the decision with him that I need to move out and on for my own peace of mind and sanity and self worth..........I can only say from where I stand, but I'd say he is often "all tore up" over the fact that he can't give me what I need, can't be there for me when I need him. I'd say that although to the few men that do know about his relationship, it looks just great....who wouldnt want 2 women loving and wanting him....but the realities of emotions and time commitments and also a family of 4 boys makes it not so rosy at times.

[Jaynine]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I can't answer for the OP. But sigh... I would imagine things like this... if you realize you are poly AFTER kids come. mommy/daddy or grannies/grampies? Do I suck? Am I bad? Do people still love me?"

Exactly! We live in a small country in a small city. With very small minded people around us. Although my 2 older chidren, aged 16 and 18, know (my daughter read my fb messages)! we all realise that for our extended family to find out about why I am here, other than a good friend, they wouldnt understand. And yes, the kids would likely get teased at school. It's hard to know, but we would likely have to shift away. Which wouldnt be fair on my children. I would probably have to leave my 11 year old with his dad, and I dont think I could. So, yes, in a perfect, loving, open world i would love to tell everyone, I would love to show others whom my lovers are and show my affection publicly.

BTW....things are moving on with the sleeping arrangements.....GF trying really hard....they both are. They know what I would like, and I know they are trying to make it better for me. GF is really working on her issues. Her fear all along (once the rosy glow of NRE wore off) is that I am in this just for her hubby. I can understand this fear. But after a year of being together, she is trusting me more and more. Ive come out of a 24 year mono relationship, with a very jealous, prudish hubby, and I sometimes think I am too needy because of this. We all have stuff to work on....lol.....its a WIP!!
Thankyou for all your comments.....any more would be greatly appreciated.

[GalaGirl]

*hug* I don't think you are a fool. I think you are struggling here with people who aren't playing ball with you. Maybe it's too new in PolyLand for all of you at just a year in and you all do not know how. There's nothing wrong with pee wee league. We do not all start in the major leagues. The point is to actually make it to practices and GROW THE SKILLS.

You seem to be showing up for practice while they're playing hookie/avoidy a bit.

Take it to paper, hon. Play ball, people. If you want to be in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP to each other, play ball!

Print your answers in this thread, chop up your sentences. I'm sure you can color in more if you want to type more sentences. Dump on table. Sort in piles.

PROBLEM(S)

1) GF is the slowest speed. Dealing in jealousies and trust stuff now that the sex threesome becomes a full on romance triad + sex that is closeted, cohabitating, and coparenting.

2) You have unmet intimacy needs because you do not have a calendar schedule on the wall. Because you are not out, and have to lay low in day time, and because you have shift work, there needs to be planned time for connection between

• you+ BF
• you + GF
• BF + GF,
• you + BF+ GF fun times
• and then you + BF + GF family meeting (calendar, daily chores, etc)

Organize your choppy sentences in piles like this:

YOUR feelings:
YOUR wants:
YOUR needs:
YOUR limits:
YOUR suggestions for solutions/compromises:


BF feelings:
BF wants:
BF needs:
BF limits:
BF suggestions for solutions/compromises:

GF feelings:
GF wants:
GF needs:
GF limits:
GF suggestions for solutions/compromises:


Once you do that, you can take a peek at where there is missing information. Plan to go GET IT from the people at the horse's mouth!

But do accountability check on the communication subproblems. Is everyone holding up their ends of the sticks? If you were in my world?

People in this polyship have:

• The right to clear communication from partner
• The right to expect support from partner
• The right to be nurtured from partner
• The right to get your needs met from partner
• The right to responsiveness from partner
• The right to constructive feedback from partner

People in this polyship are:

• Responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits
• Responsible for following through on promises
• Responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
• Responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety
• Responsible for emergency preparedness
• Responsible for caring for your own equipment/stuff

This 3 person polyship contains these relationships inside it. Hello, polymath! Are the rights and responsibilities held up high in EACH tier or what? Who is not holding their sticks well? Why? What can the polyship do to help improve that area? What can the INDIVIDUALS do to improve holding their own bag if they dropped a ball somewhere?

• YOU to yourself as part of a polyship (vs some footloose single. What YOU do/do not do and behave like affects the polyship. You seem to get the needs and wants out, but shirk a bit on your hard limits. Get some firm in. You don't even seem to have soft limits well.)
• You to GF
• You to BF
• You to (GF + BF) (<-- you seem to want to respect this to a point where you hurt your own needs. Respect, sure. bend over backward doormat, no)
• You + GF + BF functioning as a triad (<-- reads as weak to me... still only a year in so perhaps growing? polyship infancy? First poly for you? Them?)

• GF to herself (<-- is she owning and working on her trust, jealous stuff to move all rship forward or heel dragging? does she get the nurture support she needs to progress? )
• GF to You
• GF to BF (<-- do they have something going on you do not know that is causing spillover on YOU?)
• GF to (you + BF) <-- she has a prob respecting this when you are trying to have alone time
• GF+BF+YOU

• BF to himself (sounds like he also emotional work avoidy. He gonna address that?)
• BF to You (<-- he kind shirky on boundaries with GF telling her to step off when she cross lines interrupting your times)
• BF to GF (<-- he kinda knuckles to her a lot. Is this enabling her to avoid her personal tier work?)
• BF to (you + GF)
• BF + GF+ You

You can fill in the blanks for yourself. I really don't expect you to post it here in public. But that's how I take it to paper, so to speak. It helps me see what's what in the links in the polyship chain, what is strong, what is weak, what needs beefing up, etc. I colored in what I perceive and I own that I could be wrong, guessing, whatever. It's just example -- for you to move it to what really is.

YOU after all, are the one living this with your polyship peeps.

Hang in there!

HTH!
GG

[Jaynine]

Awesome stuff....thankyou, I will get on to this asap. And I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks so much. J