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Old 07-20-2012, 03:58 AM
thedoubtfulguest thedoubtfulguest is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Default Not quite sure what to do with these feelings

My wife, L, and I have been together for 5 years. We are both bi and were aware of poly as a concept and had poly friends but considered ourselves mono until about a year ago. We embarked on a relationship with a guy we knew slightly. It lasted for about 4 months and then disintegrated, partly because we didn't really have that much in common and partly because he had slightly odd views about trans folk which made me uncomfortable.

After this, my wife, L, found that her relationship with a male friend, S, (who is bi and poly) was becoming increasingly flirtatious. They have known each other for a few years and are quite good friends but don't get to meet up often as he doesn't live close by. They agreed to meet up which I thought was great until I was informed that he was coming to stay for a week. I was a bit upset about this as it put me in an awkward position. I didn't feel very comfortable being relegated to the spare bed while L and her new partner occupy 'our bed' next door. So, I went to stay at a friend's house for the duration. I was feeling really wretched about the whole situation and felt my feelings hadn't been taken into account at all. I tried to broach it with her during the week but she didn't seem to understand how hurt I was.

Anyway, we spent only a little time together socialising, all three of us together before he went home. At that point, they were vaguely terming their relationship as 'um ... friends' or 'friends with benefits'. There were no specific plans made to meet again but the general expectation was that they'd see each other at some point and it may or may not be platonic.

Shortly afterwards, L found that she was pregnant. Since I'm FTM, I am obviously not a candidate and the only person she had sex with was her friend. Apparently, "accidents happen". I was not at all impressed.

Much discussion ensued and L was very certain that she wished to continue the pregnancy and her preference was that I take on the role of dad and her friend, S, could be as involved or not as he wished. He said that he thought it best that he adopt the role of retrospective (accidental) sperm donor and that I ought to be considered the father. I felt slightly that I was being pushed into a role without much choice in the matter but I accepted that this was probably the best option of the limited choices available.

Many weeks have now passed and L is starting to have a bump. I've been to all her appointments and had the priviledge of seeing this tiny human appear on the ultrasound screen. L and her friend, S, are cordial but overtly platonic now. They talk regularly but briefly. He and I talk a lot more now. We've actually gotten to know each other quite well in a way that we never did before.

I have very confusing feelings now. I feel guilty for assuming this parental role that I don't really feel entitled to and sad that maybe I'm depriving him of something amazing despite his assertions that the child would be better off with me as the father. I still feel a bit hurt and resentful about the circumstances of the child's conception. I also feel very attracted to him now we've gotten to know each other. I keep finding myself daydreaming about him. I understand that it's probably some artifact of my complex feelings about the pregnancy and probably some jumbled up product of a jealousy-compersion-smooshing but I still feel stuff. I suppose I'm harbouring some vague fantasy of us all being a big, happy, poly family together. Which is ridiculous, I know.

I just don't quite know what to do with my feelings towards any of the people involved in this whole situation - L, S, the baby.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or if I just wanted to say these things because I've no-one I can talk to about this.
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