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Old 07-20-2012, 02:00 AM
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ladyintricate ladyintricate is offline
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Default Hello Again!

Hello lovely poly and mono people! You were with me for my rocky introduction to polyamory and I have been thinking for a while now that I really need to come back and post an update.

For those who do not have a clue who I am (and I don’t blame you, it has been more than a year, after all!), please check out this thread from then:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...=ladyintricate

Anyways, I will try to keep this relatively brief,but it has been more than a year and a LOT emotionally has happened in my life. I was on here after I found out that my husband was having a secret sexual relationship with a woman because he was in love with her and had just realized he was poly (that is the SUPER abbreviated version, but stay with me). I was devastated at the time by the betrayal of my husband and of the woman,”A” who had started to become my friend.

I will not say that everything is completely roses now. There are still some trust issues between my husband and I (lingering feelings of insecurity),but for the most part we have worked through it and we are still married (happily so)!

In fact, I am in many ways happier than I have ever been because we have made our peace with A and her fiancé, J, and in fact after about 9 months of working on being friends with them, the 4 of us are all very close friends and see each other every weekend. Iwant to make it clear that we have only gotten to this point through complete honesty (there was some yelling by me at one point…) and open communication. It was a rocky road.

However, after 9 months of the 4 of us successfully working on being friends and building trust, both J (also a mono) and I realized that we love each other. So, as crazy as this sounds to me in the context of how this all started and where I was backthen, the 4 of us are in a polyfidelity romantic/sexual relationship.

I have learned so much about myself over the last year. I don’t really think of myself as poly, still… because I love two very specific men and a specific lady…but maybe I need to change that self perception of myself over time gradually (I do know the definition of polyamory after all, and I truly love more than one person)…

Regardless of labels, though, we are all happy and I feel like my life and theirs has been very much enriched by this relationship.

They are my best friends (as is my husband) and I love when we all get to spend time together, as well as when we spend time together one on one.

Also, I came to realize that (at least in relation to A) I can be attracted to women as well as men. She was always openly bi-sexual, but I was definitely not. So many surprises in life if you open your eyes to possibilities.

I wanted to update you all because you were so supportive and truly helpful in my time of need. I remember reading others’ stories on here during that time about how many mono’s end up being poly after a similar situation as mine. I thought that was crazy and there was no way I would be able to ever even look at A again, let alone let her be alone with my husband. All that has now changed with patience, communication, and love.

I am glad that my husband is able to be himself and love more than one woman, but I have to admit that I am glad he is ok with a closed relationship for the 4 of us, because I don’t know that I could handle having a completely open marriage, but I feel like I am thriving having more people to love (three!).

The funny thing lately is that I have been feeling a little bad for my husband due to his having a romantic relationship with only 2 people in this 4-some, while myself and A get to have 3 romantic relationships! How funny to me that my current self (in comparison to my past self before any of this happened) would even be thinking that at all!

Anyways, much love!
Ladyintricate (Jess)
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Old 07-20-2012, 04:51 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Jess,

Thank you for coming back and giving an update - so many folks post their problems, get into a discussion, then just disappear, and we never know how things worked out.

There are always going to be things to work on - especially when the start of the poly journey was cheating. We came into poly from a similar place, and have also been able to make it work. Good to see another success story that is real.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyintricate View Post
I have learned so much about myself over the last year. I don’t really think of myself as poly, still… because I love two very specific men and a specific lady…but maybe I need to change that self perception of myself over time gradually (I do know the definition of polyamory after all, and I truly love more than one person)…
Well, you are in a loving relationship with more than one person, built now on a foundation of openness and honesty. I think most people would consider to be poly.

As for the whole "specific" thing - that just show that you are discerning and have standards

Continuing good luck and happiness to you and your group!
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Old 07-20-2012, 09:20 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Jess,

Your story is encouraging, as it shows things can and do work out okay, even with a rocky start. Not to say all stories have a happy ending, but I'm glad that yours has taken such a happy turn.

Thanks for sharing your update.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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