Mono Wife - Secondary? What?

[KyleKat]

This discussion is also why a lot of poly families don't like the primary/secondary/tertiary titles. They are confusing and cause a lot of grief.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by KyleKat

This discussion is also why a lot of poly families don't like the primary/secondary/tertiary titles. They are confusing and cause a lot of grief.

if they are misused (and they often are) then I totally agree.

Descriptive rather than prescriptive

[pocketpoly86]

I wanted to clarify why I'm considering a secondary role. First, I'm tired. I'd like to have fewer responsibilities. Second, it turns me on. Ok, I really hate admiting that but done right, it drives me nuts. Third, both of us are attracted to dominate people - who, at least in our experience, demand a more primary role to feel comfortable.

I believe I am ok taking a backseat so long as my needs are met. However, they are not much of the time. And, this past year has been particularly tough (lost a child and another spent 6 months in intensive care). So really, I need a break. I've asked for 30 days on my own to sort things out and get back in touch with me.

I started a blog on this site. I welcome and super appreciate any thoughts/input.

Thanks all for your points!!!

[GalaGirl]

I read your blog entry. Welcome.

From the blog, I gather you guys are still in the process of redefining this next installment of your relationship and what role (if any) Colada will play in it.

You have split up bedrooms and cohabitate and coparent. You both work. He's seeing Colada -- and I get the impression you both are hoping it will end up like that M woman -- a dominant to both of you? But minus the cheat/messy aspects of it? She'd be the hinge in your V or it would be a triad situation?

I've got my own chronic patient stuff and been through eldercare for Dad stuff and while this is not the same as losing a child and being in hospital, I can appreciate the HUGE ding to family life a major health crisis can take and the yearning for a break, and someone to come nurture YOU for a change when you are in recovery from grief or from illness. You have BOTH grief and illness recovery to do.

My response was to def stay closed to just me and DH. You are going the other way -- opening up and hoping that the sister of the most recent ex will better suit the bill despite her unwillingness to meet you. (Odd choice!)

This situation has many serious challenges to overcome to succeed. I don't think you guys are starting out with the best odds ever but I do sincerely wish you well and hope you arrive at the place you need to be at.

GL!
GG

[Mommyinthecloset]

ok makes so much more sence now! I agree that the terminology can be problematic.. when I hear things like primary secondary etc, my brain auto assumes there can only be one primary, but it makes so much more sence now and of course everyone has to find their own way, just nice knowing how things often work for others too, you know

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by KyleKat

There was a discussion on the forums a while back (I'm on my phone so searching for it isn't an option) that discussed the roles of secondaries vs primaries. Basically, what I took away was that a primary was someone you lived with and shared responsibilities such as chores, bills, taking care of any kids, etc. Secondaries, on the other hand, were more like friends or someone you were dating but you weren't super serious with yet. You'll do stuff like to out with them, pay for their meals, whatever, but you wouldn't pay their house or rent payment for them.

That is just some people's general description of the roles, but it isn't really a hard and fast way to determine who is primary and who is secondary. Plenty of secondaries contribute to household bills and chores.

[kdt26417]

Hi pocketpoly86,
I just wanted to welcome you to our forum.

It sounds like you're working on a unique relationship dynamic, and I can see your point about "just wanting a rest from it all" for awhile.

I think you'll find Polyamory.com is a good place to get advice and feedback, although be aware that your blog thread is kind of "sacred ground" and people might hesitate to give you "too much instruction" there. I guess what I'm saying is, be sure to check out other threads and boards, and post there too sometimes.

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.